All Out Compliments

If you are going to compliment someone, then my belief is to make it worth while. Sure saying "That’s a pleasant sundress you’re wearing" and "Your eyebrows are looking symmetrical" are nice gestures but it’s difficult to determine the sincerity level. The ulterior motive of the giver could be avoiding awkward conversation silence, buttering up for a favor or filling a mandated compliment quota. They may not think the praise was deserved but want to say something safe. It’s comparable to offering someone cookies. There is no danger in offending a person, unlike if you were distributing fruit.

Speaking for myself, I have given the occasional counterfeit flattery. Once, I noticed a casual friend from afar and it appeared he was wearing a hideous sweater. As he drew closer, my brain repeated "Don't mention the sweater, don't mention the sweater." Unfortunately, the first words that came out of my mouth were, "Wow, that sweater is absolutely amazing! Where did you find it?”

With my overacting, I am sure my colleague sensed that part of the compliment was a fraud. There was no winner in this situation as I felt dirty for lying and he most likely became self conscious about his attire. After that encounter, I decided to supply less compliments but make them more meaningful. If I was cornered into small talk, I’ll stick to generic topics like the weather or geometry.

In order to achieve this, I have come up with two ways to deliver a meaningful compliment. The first requires a time table of a few days. On a day I notice a person wearing something of note or sporting a hip hairstyle, I’ll give them my approval. Nothing dramatic like “That gorgeous smile of yours makes me want to touch you inappropriately” or “I would murder my own mother for that parka you’re wearing.” Just something simple and nice while walking by.

The next step occurs in the future. On a following day, regardless of the person’s appearance, I’ll disagree with an element of it. Again, I won’t get out of control by declaring their socks as repulsive and make fake vomit noises. In a mature fashion, I’ll assure them their look is suitable but I believed their previous presentation was superior. This will successfully cement the prior compliment as valid and significant.

The other option I’ve devised takes place in one setting but is riskier. It starts the same as I compliment a person of choice but they must be surrounded by others. For example, I’ll pass a group of shoppers in a department store and say towards a target “Hello Sweetheart, that blouse brings out the sparkle in your eyes.”

At first this remark likely confuses the lady as to what my intentions are. She’s pondering if I really believe her blue top nicely accents her eyes or was I salesman charming her into buying discounted kitchenware. The flattery is not fully accepted yet because she is unsure as to what my angle is.

That brings me to the difficult part which transforms the mundane compliment into something memorable. I’ll pick one of the neighboring people and insult them. This part is delicate as that last thing I want is to appear cruel. I usually choose a skinny or non-threatening looking patron wearing basic apparel and mention something similar to “And you Stickman, you look ridiculous in those brown slacks.”

Slandering a scrawny man in tan pants is usually a secure move. By no means will I degrade a bodybuilder wearing a tight pink shirt with an orange checkered vest. I’ll leave that gentleman alone and as a general rule, probably never speak to him.

Anyway, now Ms. Blue Blouse can be confident that my compliment was genuine since I wasn’t fishing for anything in return. Albeit, it may have been at expense of an undernourished man but maybe my mocking will strive him to become a fashion model. In fact, I could’ve brightened the lives of two people concurrently.

As you can see, my approach is not to shower people with compliments like confetti on New Year’s. Only offering positives eventually leads to a decline in credibility. To maintain a listenable opinion, it’s necessary to mix in some dislikes even if they’re exaggerated or imaginary.

To offer proof that these methods are successful, I will inform you they have worked reversely on me. People are always telling me that my essays are terrible and I finally discovered the reason isn’t because they are idiots. They are just setting up authenticity to rave about my future ones.

A Sentence to Make Mom Proud

With Mother’s day just passing and my recent obsession to write for Hallmark, I have created my first greeting card. My guess is that you will see this in card stores by next year


Moments after taking my multi nutrient vitamin with a glass of skim milk from a carton that had weeks before expiration because I know to purchase ones from the back of the deli fridge, I was in the bathroom flossing my teeth removing leftover residue from a piece of fruit I’d eaten when I remembered I didn’t resume cleaning under the radiators of my apartment after I took a break to call grandma to see if she got the flowers I sent her, so I rushed out of the lavatory to grab the duster but on the way to the linen closet I spotted my sister at the front door dropping off a thank you note to me for hanging a new spice rack in her kitchen since she believed I wouldn’t be home for a hug because I’m usually at the orphanage reading fairy tales to under privileged children at this hour, however I explained I couldn’t leave because the church was coming by to pick up some clothes I was donating that became loose fitting from the exercise I was doing so I was trapped at home but was going to make the best of the situation by baking the greatest cake ever for my mom, Happy Mothers Day!

Top Dozen Reasons I Shaved My Head

1- In order to swim faster

2- Eliminates tough decisions as to whether to part my hair to the southeast or northwest

3- To prevent my hair from getting tangled in ceiling fans

4- Tired of people worshiping my hair and forgetting my fantastically awesome personality

5- Stops me from negligently using the hair dryer while soaking in the bath tub

6- So I can add barber to my résumé

7- To gain an advantage in cat fights

8- It’s so much easier to get gum out

9- I look ridiculous in hair nets and shower caps

10- Reduces the amount of split ends

11- It validates my campaign of donating shampoo to the homeless

12- To reinvent myself for the spring season