Although I would love to be sipping whiskey and penning an amazing memoir, that is not what Christmas is about. It’s time to be around family and cherished ones as you reminisce together about the past. That is why I am off to spend time with loved ones rather then writing something new and invigorating.
Despite my abandoning the blog for the holiday, I do not want to leave an impression as a Grinch and offer nothing on this sacred day. I am going to leave everyone with a “classic” Road to Absolute Zero entry. To set the mood, I have reformatted the font into gentle italics.
Please don’t think of it as a rerun and a copout by me. Instead when you grab your cup of egg nog and are cozy around the fireplace with family members that are dear to you, reread this blog once again and share the fond memories from when it was initially read. In the spirit of holiday blockbuster movies please enjoy again, The 4 Categories of Movie Previews. Have a Merry Christmas
The 4 Categories of Movie Previews
When watching television, it’s common to see advertisements for upcoming movies. The intention is to persuade you to get off the couch and head to the cinema. The producers will resort to any measures necessary to have that accomplished. That includes spoiling the best parts and if they don’t receive positive feedback from real critics, they’ll just quote favorable reviews from random people who saw an advanced screening. A movie studio ranks a films success on how much money it rakes in rather than the number of stars it gets.
With that being the case, I have developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether or not I am going to enjoy the movie. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything contained in it, is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit to the film or if the preview is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Now after some experimenting, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place movies from solely viewing a preview and have explained them below.
Sure Bet - This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, brash violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a Space Mesopotamia and the dignified cast did not come from a reality show. I’ll bet my namesake on the superiority of the film and rally a crowd to join me to at the theater. I am already expecting pats on the back after the viewing for selecting it. I’ll do so much bragging that this flick is going to be awesome that even if it the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending that it was amazing. I have put this movie on too high on a pedestal to ever admit it was anything less than great.
Metro-sexual - This movie can swing either way. The preview showed some moments of potential but also doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but also have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith in the picture I wouldn’t risk my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they would shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in unexpected free time like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers my expectations because it wasn’t my idea or it’s in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s great, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my choice or I am sure it was better than filing audit reports in the supply room.
Ten Seconder - Somewhere in a magazine I read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not me. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory.
Sore Fist - Instead of only being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid and my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project ever got financed and I am certain I could film something superior using a hand puppet or a vacuum as the star character. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch jokes. I’m so incensed, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and wait outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear future consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the plaintiff was encouraging the director to make a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.
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