Sorry, You Can’t Read, This Blog is Sold Out

I’m presuming your first thought was, “Nobody can tell me what I can’t read” and then proceeded to read this despite not having permission. No one ever wants to be denied access and that includes opportunities that would be avoided if they were readily available. The mind cannot always process that something you can’t have may also be something you don’t want.

I became aware of this conundrum when I turned down an extra ticket to a concert a colleague offered. The show was too expensive, the original drummer was in rehab or it was on my yoga night. I don’t recall the exact excuse behind refusing but one of those sounds reasonable. Obviously, it wasn’t because I was set to receive a Pulitzer Prize that evening.

Anyway, later on I heard on the radio that the performance had sold out. After discovering that the option of going was no longer in my control, I became devastated. It hit me that I was the number one fan of “Band Theta” and I was adamant on being there.

Unfortunately, the ticket trickled down the pecking order to some female. I tried bribing my friend with free rounds of alcohol to retake me instead and I insisted there was no way she was a bigger fan then I just realized I was and. Alas, my efforts to persuade him proved fruitless because what it really boiled down to was her having nicer legs.

As I sat on my bed concert night in dismay, I reflected upon the experience. Maybe it wasn’t my own desire to see “Band Theta” but it was falsely created in response to being unable to go. Demand for a product can be more essential then the quality of it. Finding out the concert was sold out did not improve the band’s music but for some reason it increased my craving for it.

With that wisdom, I had to find a way to take advantage of this phenomenon. I began pondering about how easily accessible a diner was. Given that it’s available 24 hours, there is never a mad dash to arrive. That leads to casually meandering around and leaving opportunities to wander off course.

Say a person wakes with a passion for waffles at the diner. Since they have infinite time, it’s common to end up getting distracted. They try to squeeze in a load of laundry to clean their favorite green shirt, read new catalogues from the mail while waiting for the dryer and before long they are at the department store shopping for discounted golf clubs.

Although enjoying breakfast at the diner was the original priority, there were no enforced parameters. Now the person has already eaten at the mall food court and has focused their attention on finding a tee time. The waffle plan was placed on the backburner and who knows when it will be spatula-ed off. The sappy diner never plays hard to get and is treated like a floor mat. Over convenience can be a restaurant’s worst enemy.

My proposal is to introduce an eatery that has restricted hours. Maybe not even hours, just minutes. If you don’t have a reservation or show during the allotted time at Pete’s 47 Minutes of Heaven Cafe, then you blew it. That won’t even account for the random days I shut the doors for private parties or to just to sit in the window mocking patrons.

This isn’t an easy rebound restaurant that’s wrapped around your finger. It’s a challenge, so when you arise in the morning, all of your attention is centered on arriving in the limited time frame. I’ll bet that people at my establishment missed board meetings, went with just deodorant instead of showering or recklessly weaved across 3 lanes of traffic to get there.

Now for the customers who are punctual, their adrenaline is pumping. This artificial sense of excitement has their mouth watering for any food. My pedestrian potatoes, mediocre meatloaf and floor wine have transformed into fantastic garlic roasted fritters, tender aged prime rib and table wine. The most difficult customers are ones that are grouchy, but at Pete’s 47 Minutes of Heaven Café everyone is so drunk off a sense of proudness for showing, how the food tastes is meaningless.

Twisting the hours of supply so tightly has demand overflowing in my favor. I have found a way to intertwine two simple things, limited working hours and serving average produce. This foolproof plan is a lazy man’s dream.

Alright, let me calm down because it’s unlikely my restaurant will launch. This entrepreneur considers making cereal, freezing ice and conducting the deli worker through making my sandwich as forms of cooking. Also, I have been oblivious to my lack of capital or have a prospectus worthy enough to get a loan financed.

Besides, I am more of an idea man. Creating a dream world scenario that has a low percentage of success is my strength. Anything towards making the design a reality shifts towards a weakness. If I brainstorm a get rich quick scheme, while putting the plan in motion, I devise ways to make that process easier. It’s a never ending cycle so I am better off on the couch instead of weakening the structure of the absurd idea until it collapses.

The morale of this story still remains. If the girl with the poor personality never returns your call, ballroom dancing class is filled or the limited edition presidential coin offer expired, don’t get upset. If you had them, you would be finding ways to escape or to dispose of them. You should have just listened that this essay was sold out. You could’ve been off doing something rewarding, like a puzzle or taking a nap. I am sure you’d rather pieced together an accomplishment or feel refreshed now.

I Wish This Essay Was Worth a Billion Dollars

My personal stance is that wishing, hoping or sacrificing a live chicken is irrelevant to swaying an outcome in any favor. I am no different than anyone else as I’m prone to praying for things to turn my way but channeling willpower towards a desired result is useless. Back when the NY Giants won the Superbowl, I wished as mightily as my heart could handle for that victory but despite my efforts, the team never recognized my fortitude at the championship parade or awarded me a ring.

In playing devil’s advocate, I have been wrong before on assumptions that I considered a sure bet. I would have gambled my first born on Goliath winning as I heard the tale. I was also certain about a romantic connection with a stripper once, but alas my remarks weren’t as witty as my wallet emptied and she went on to see other people. It goes against my better judgment, but perhaps there is a slim chance that wishing can aid a circumstance to my preference.

Since there’s an ounce of doubt, I’m preparing a backup plan in case the unexpected occurs. Maybe there is some sort of Wish Genie floating around and granting rare wishes. It’s human nature to crave simple pleasures like the grass mowing itself or there’s ice already made in the freezer but I better look at the bigger picture. On the tiniest odds that there is a supernatural force scarcely authorizing wishes, then it’s asinine to waste any on something insignificant.

Could you imagine if I was given one shining moment of fulfillment and I used it for pre-made frozen water? I would have been blessed with anything in the universe and what I fancied was cubes to cool down a glass of lemonade in the middle of winter. Eternal riches were within my grasp but an impulsive urge let them melt away.

Well as of now, all of my wishes will have a permanent effect. I still won’t believe they will be answered, but “genie forbid” I am wrong, they’re not going to be squandered away on a temporary happiness. Say I’m at motor vehicle, rather than hoping for a short wait on line or that all the customers ahead of me to disintegrate, I’ll wish to be the Emperor of France.

That fruition treats my impatience, avoids crumbling innocent bystanders into dust and has me chauffeured around from castle to castle drinking fine wine in the back of a limo. I’ve revamped curing a minor nuisance into living comfortably as a foreign aristocrat. A position as a figurehead of an elite European country solves my current hassle and improves my life for the long term.

So my advice to everyone is, if you are sitting in your office cubicle around 3pm and are desperately wishing for the 5pm whistle, please reassess. That’s skipping a measly two hours and you still have to return tomorrow. What if 3pm was the instant when your one wish was destined to prosper and it was blown on magically teleporting outside the office a couple hours into the future? On your commute the following morning, I guarantee you’ll be biting your lip in frustration that you’re not flying to superhero headquarters or constructing a play fort from an excess of gold bars.

A smart man is always investing into the future. Wishing a bit more would squeeze out of the toothpaste tube before heading to bed is fruitless by dawn. Shoot for the stars or risk settling for the booby prize is my motto. I am fairly certain this essay will not net me a billion dollars but on the microscopic chance this wish is bestowed upon me by a higher being, I’ll be awfully glad this piece wasn’t named “I Wish I Could Trade This Essay for a Ham Sandwich.”

The Top Dozen “So I Think’s”

Alright, well I am probably not fooling anyone anymore as this is just another lame list of unrelated comments tied together because they all start with “so”. I am not going to defend my actions but I will not put them to a halt either. I did have extreme desire to post a romantic tale that concluded with a tearjerker decision where the lead male had to sacrifice the love of his life for the betterment of humanity. To my usual regret, I created emotionless cardboard characters with no chemistry between them so I just had them eaten by sharks.

After abruptly dragging the main couple off to sea for no clear or explained reason midway through the love story, I still had another half to write. That part consisted of me apologizing and offering free gifts and coupons for tolerating this. Since I cannot afford providing gift certificates, Tupperware sets or ski trips as prizes for suffering though my literary work, I scrapped that story and I now proudly-er then that present, the Top Dozen “So I Think’s”



I- so I think, that I am unreliably reliable, I mean I usually show up for all my appointments, just nobody knows when

II- so I think, that I got scammed because I bought a bag of reduced fat chips and think they tasted identical to the regular fat ones, there was just a lesser amount in the bag

III- so I think, that it's great when using “just hope it goes away” approach to problem solving or rashes and it's successful

IV- so I think, that one of my strengths is when people say "Never mind Pete, just forget I asked" or "Don’t worry about it, it’s not your problem" I am great at never minding and not worrying

V- so I think, that I would be a fantastic elevator standup comic in a medium rise building, I have about 7 floors of material before I repeat or get annoying

VI- so I think, that the key to becoming a millionaire is to begin acting like a millionaire and then work your way backwards to find out how you got there

VII- so I like to think, that I am invisible to people who are wearing sunglasses. There is no basis to this theory but it amuses me

VIII- so I think, that I am going to skip his first 7 years since he’ll never remember and then on that 8th Christmas with the money saved, get my nephew a dirt bike, then I'll best uncle ever

IX- so I think, that I subconsciously cross the street safer as the week continues, I’ll be damned if I make all the way to Friday and don't get to enjoy the weekend

X- so I think, that the "I'll show them by killing myself" theory will work great and make the strongest of people feel guilty, but you only get to do it once, what if someone else pisses you off?

XI- so I think, that everyone has one “personal superpower” and mine is the remarkable ability to fall asleep whenever I want. I just need to figure out how that can aid mankind

XII- so I think, that anyone saying the phrase "I am not stupid" is stupid, because non-stupid people normally don't have to defend themselves