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Saturday, June 9, 2012

Life Evens Out



Although it would be meaningful to pen an essay warning about global warming, tackling the troubled economy or requesting donations for the “Running Against Scissors 5K” charity run I’m doing but meaning is not where I excel.  Attempting significance would lead to suffering for me, anyone who reads and the millions I pretend who read.  Since that’s pointless, at least let me entertain myself by composing a piece exaggerating an inconsequential encounter I had years back and then twisting an obtuse moral out of it that rationalizes being lazy.

To set the scene, I was entering my apartment lobby carrying a bag of clean laundry when I heard the ding of the elevator.  I sped up my walk hoping that the person waiting would hear my footsteps and be compassionate enough to hold the door.  Fortune was on my side and to further my delight the young lady even offered to press the button of my floor since my hands were occupied.

While replying “23 please”, I noticed that floor 27 was already lit so after a short pause I continued with “And 24, 25 and 26 as well.” 

A laugh was then shared after she realized my light hearted attempt for her to unnecessarily stop at 3 floors.  This breaking of the ice led to more chatter and I used laundry as the topic of conversation.   I explained how all my clothes were sparkling and I now had a full wardrobe at my command tomorrow. Even outfits I had forgotten so it was almost as if I was returning home from a shopping spree. 

After listening she replied “Thou art the handsomest and wittiest gentleman that dwells upon this kingdom and as not a combination of thee two. Hence thou art the apex in both categories.”

Okay, I confess that I’m unsure of the exact verbatim she used because I was too busy basking in the glow of being incredibly amusing to actually listen.  Clearly I inserted some Shakespearian English and consulted a thesaurus because nobody would’ve spoken “apex” in that context.  Although I do admit my interpretation isn’t word for word, I assure its merit lies within the same ballpark.

Anyway, as my momentum slowed and the subject of laundry drew thin, luck was on my side. The elevator door gradually opened at my destination and I exited with a smile speaking “Have a lovely afternoon.”  

As I strutted into the sunset of the hallway while my shadow was gently crushed by the elevator doors, I was positive there was now a person who felt that every word I shared was worth the price of gold. I was content with what conspired and put our relationship to rest.

Fate on the other hand had a plan of its own.  Later that evening as I headed out for a trip to the grocery store, I bumped into the same female on the subway.  This encore gathering was not supposed to be in the cards.  It caught me off guard and I felt intense pressure to not only replicate what happened earlier, but to trump it. 

My childish idea of avoiding the situation by staring at the emergency procedures sign quickly failed and we made eye contact.  My next thought by default was to open my mouth and pray something witty would come out.

Unfortunately, silent separated lips changed the scene to awkward.  In panic, my mind scurried through pathetic salvation options only to dismiss them….. 

Compliment her shoes? No those shoes are average at best and with
those sporty laces, they could be considered sneakers. 

Mention the weather? No that is too generic and there’s nothing 
noteworthy about partly cloudy. 

Offer a hand shake? No that’s stupid, it’s not a business meeting 
and the subway is unsanitary 

Revert to the laundry joke and say you have on your favorite shirt?
No, you’re wearing a shirt you hate because you didn't want 
something favored buried this early in the laundry cycle. 

That’s when the white flag was waved and I began doubting my assessment of the original meeting.  Was I merely imagining how charming I was? I had to escape but my mind only offered questionable exit strategies……..

Close your eyes? Fake a heart attack? Scramble under the seats
looking for a marble? Jump off at the next stop despite the grocery 
store there having mostly rotten vegetables? Yell we need to see 
other people?

Well, what ended up happening was at the next stop I rode a wave of entering people to the opposite side of the subway car.  After being a comfortable distance away I reflected back in dismay as to what occurred.  Not only had my mythical stature vanished, she probably pondered why I was allowed to roam free without adult supervision.

I began the day charismatically but by nightfall it was balanced out by behaving like a social misfit.  Life is fair.  The higher you climb, the further you fall so it's best to just to lounge around in middle ground. Sure I could get up off the couch and try to do some pleasant deeds to make the world a better place but ultimately they’ll be canceled out.  Let’s say I plant a tree or help an old lady cross the street.  Eventually the tree will kidnap an innocent child’s kitten or kite and the old lady will attempt to rob a bank on the other side of the highway.  The overall benefit to society will be exactly the same as if I continue to do nothing.  Without further regret or hesitation, let me proceed to an afternoon of relaxing.