I Think We Should See Other Paragraphs

For situations where the probability of the outcome is likely to be unfavorable I have created a new one step ahead process. Rather than patiently waiting to lose, switch to being the aggressor. This eliminates clutching on to a small hope which painfully disintegrates into disappointment.

Alright, well now is probably a wise spot to give an example of what I’m writing about. Let's say I notice a famous actress at the Laundromat that’s clearly out of my league but think to myself, boy I wish I could “marry her.” She’s also a foot taller, reading poetry and sporting a wedding ring the size of an unpeeled orange. Those things prove inconsequential as my brain peps me up by mentioning,

“You look stunning in heels, poems aren’t your forte but you enjoy the occasional dirty limerick and her ring is only on to repel weirdoes, not someone of your stature. Toss a sock nearby and while fetching it say, wouldn’t it be a great story to tell our future kids that we met doing laundry?”

Well this encounter was doomed for the start and got the snobbish reply “How about I tell my billionaire husband I met a ‘sock-hole’ doing laundry?” Thus I end up heartbroken and watch my clothes spin as I peel an orange in my misery. Now I am depressed over a situation that had a zero percent chance of success.

What I am proposing is to take the initiative and prevent the unwanted result before it occurs. This time after strolling over to regain the sock, I’ll peer into her laundry basket with discontent and say “Listen, I don’t think our clothes are the right match, I am going to start seeing other people.” Now as I am strutting away, my imagination has me believing she is devastated and that I turned down the advances of a celebrity. Our relationship was doomed to end abruptly, but using the latter one allowed it to be on my terms.

This tactic isn’t only applicable in the romance realm. Once I recall bombing on an interview for my dream position as Lord Essayist. At first I latched onto a fragment of hope that the employer could see my winning personality shine through my idiotic words. Maybe I’m overreacting and my response wasn’t that bad when asked to provide an example about excelling on a special project. There has to be some hidden positives in my reply of…

"There was an instance while working late, I had to accomplish this monumental task with a tight deadline and minimal budget, to cover for an incompetent worker, who quit the day prior to join the circus and on his departure spitefully poisoned the files necessary for the assignment. Since the client waiting for the research report was an impatient dictator, I knew time was against me. Fighting through a hangover with shear determination, I was able to cure the damaged documents and save a kitten from falling into the paper shredder. My boss was so impressed that he is still raving how both the company avoided the wrath of a tyrant and can still say it never murdered any cute animals because of me...........alright I give up, none of that happened. I spoke a few generic statements at first hoping to stall time to contrive a pertinent example but obviously I just spiraled into a far fetched tale. I do swear that if this interview was again tomorrow, I would have a well rehearsed answer to that question."

After reevaluating I decided there was no saving the situation. My shot was already botched by arriving late and mumbling nonsense to my possible manager so it was pointless to sulk about it. Instead, it’s smarter to be proactive and mail out a professional rejection memo to the company on official Pete Lopez letterhead.


“Dear Firm Z,

Thank you for taking time out of your precious day to meet with me. Unfortunately I just don't think your corporation is the right fit. I have come to the conclusion that it’s within my best interest to see other employers. I will keep your company’s information on file for at least a year and if some unrealistic scenario comes along where I reconsider employment, I shall contact you. Best of luck in all your corporate adventures and I’m sure you’ll find someone excited to work for you and takes the position seriously.

Warm Regards
Pete Lopez”

To recap everything, I didn’t meet my sugar momma while doing laundry and I’m still writing essays as a peasant, but in my eyes, I was always the winner. My warped vision has the actress pleading that she can change wardrobes and Firm Z is literally holding a wealthy offer incase I ever reassess. Maybe I am right or maybe I am wrong but my beliefs tuck me in and allow me to get a great night sleep. Sweet dreams.

PS famous celebrities probably don't do their own laundry, just roll with it

The 4 Categories of Movie Previews

When watching television, it’s common to see advertisements for upcoming movies. The intention is to persuade you to get off the couch and head to the cinema. The producers will resort to any measures necessary to have that accomplished. That includes spoiling the best parts and if they don’t receive positive feedback from real critics, they’ll just quote favorable reviews from random people who saw an advanced screening. A movie studio ranks a films success on how much money it rakes in rather than the number of stars it gets.


With that being the case, I have developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether or not I am going to enjoy the movie. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything contained in it, is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit to the film or if the preview is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Now after some experimenting, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place movies from solely viewing a preview and have explained them below.


Sure Bet - This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, brash violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a Space Mesopotamia and the dignified cast did not come from a reality show. I’ll bet my namesake on the superiority of the film and rally a crowd to join me to at the theater. I am already expecting pats on the back after the viewing for selecting it. I’ll do so much bragging that this flick is going to be awesome that even if it the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending that it was amazing. I have put this movie on too high on a pedestal to ever admit it was anything less than great.


Metro-sexual - This movie can swing either way. The preview showed some moments of potential but also doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but also have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith in the picture I wouldn’t risk my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they would shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in unexpected free time like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers my expectations because it wasn’t my idea or it’s in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s great, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my choice or I am sure it was better than filing audit reports in the supply room.


Ten Seconder - Somewhere in a magazine I read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not me. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory.


Sore Fist - Instead of only being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid and my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project ever got financed and I am certain I could film something superior using a hand puppet or a vacuum as the star character. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch jokes. I’m so incensed, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and wait outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear future consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the plaintiff was encouraging the director to make a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.