Let me begin with a tale that was the inspiration for this essay. I was at my local watering hole watching football when I noticed a cute bartender working. Since it was a neighboring place, my presence was there enough to recognize she was fairly new. Out of friendliness laced with an ulterior motive for future free beers, I sparked up a conversation. I introduced myself and questioned “Are you new here?”
In a condensed form, she answered that she’s been serving suds for a few months but due to conflicting auditions for some acting roles, she only accepted a limited number of shifts.
I countered with "Oh, so you are doing some part time acting until your bartending career takes off?"
Alas no amusement was found on her end but naturally I presumed it was being disguised by her fabulous acting skills. The flaw in my premise was it refused to explain why I didn’t receive any beer on the house that evening. I just had to assume that if I stayed a cocktail longer, then that one would have been the one paid for by my charm.
Alright, the above encounter was added after the below part was masterfully constructed. I have no desire to modify the original introduction for this piece to flow. Instead I prefer to announce that it won't which clears me from any responsibility. It's like if there was syrup spilled on a restaurant floor and rather than it being mopped up, a “Warning, Wet Floor” sign was hung. In going forward, please be aware, "Rough Transition Ahead."
The title refers to when you’re at a restaurant and an attractive waitress looks like she is just going through the motions. She is doing a half assed job because of modeling or actress aspirations. Her mind is convinced that this is only temporary and that better things are on the horizon.
I decided that if that gets her through her working day, then the same can be true for me. If I accidentally mail out false documents or my hearts not into giving quality client service, it doesn’t matter because this is only an obligation until I become an essayist. Soon this will all be meaningless and have no impact long term. This gives me a built in excuse to rationalize inferior productivity. I can roam around carefree because in theory I am merely killing time.
This concept actually reminds me of when my dad played lotto when I was growing up. He continually tried for the jackpot but his successes were minimal amounts that were simply rolled into more tickets. As the losing continued, I believed he was throwing money down the drain. Of course I was always cheering for the numbers he picked to match the ones displayed on TV but a child’s patience wears thin.
With my dad’s poor use of the family money, I wanted control forfeited over to me. I am not saying I would have invested it wisely into high yield money markets but it could have been used for baseball cards, candy or whatever other crap I fancied as kid. In my eyes, it was smarter to collect tangible playful substances.
Later as a working adult I realized that striking it rich was only a piece of the lottery puzzle. Occasionally when I feel lucky I will play the numbers of my birthday or dream pant waist size. I’ll also chip into the office pool so I don’t have to fear working solo in an empty office. As I started playing more often, I was able to comprehend what lotto was all about.
Yes the main focus was winning millions, but there's also the hope involved. It can assist me out of bed in the morning or through a rough patch during the day. I'll think, maybe just maybe, this will be my last day in the working world. If perchance I wasn't fortunate in instantly raising to a higher tax bracket, there was always another chance to grasp onto tomorrow.
With my new outlook on life, I returned to the local bar to apologize for being a dream crusher. To my dismay, I found out the bartender/actress had resigned from her beer dispensing occupation. Since she left on short notice, she left behind a note for me to read as follows:
Dearest Pete,
It pains me to stop supplying you with alcohol, but my dream has finally come true. After years and years of trying, my father won the lottery and I will become princess in his glorious beach side castle. I have great happiness in my heart and I hope you someday find yours. As my debt to you has been weighing on my conscious, please use this letter as a token for a free beer you were owed due to your charisma.
Yours Truly,
Nameless Bartender
Fine, she did quit serving at the tavern but the above mentioned note was never received and its existence must be debated. You are free to draw your own conclusion or accept the poetic symmetry of mine. Nonetheless, this essay is over as I have plenty of filing to due at my temporary banking job.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Problem with Lying
The trouble that comes to mind after reading the title is probably a morality principle. Lying is evil and a gateway sin to a life of murder and treason. Honesty however, is the best policy and escorts you to the gates of heaven. Truthfulness is the fabric that holds society together but discussing that any further is about as exciting as a head of lettuce. Instead, I prefer to preach my thoughts on the pros and cons of lying.
I believe there are many benefits of fibbing that are often overlooked. One is to be a hero and rescue an individual from shear humiliation. We all have a friend or coworker that has a great heart, but is annoying to be around. If this person invites you to the opera or a box social, the immediate thought is how to escape without hurting their feelings. Well that is when super lie saves the day. A simple, “Oh, I have baseball tickets that evening” or “Damn, I have open heart surgery that afternoon.”
Now the problem was averted and everyone is still smiling. There is a small chance that the victim will research to find that the baseball team was off that evening or request to see your surgical scar but taking the coward way out is well worth the risk. If it backfires and you never regain speaking terms, it wasn’t really that much of loss. That person was irritating anyway.
Another advantage of an untruth is keeping self-esteem. There are plenty of times when you’re caught chatting with a casual acquaintance and it’s better to salvage dignity as an alternative to spilling the pathetic facts. Let’s say hypothetically I took a two week vacation but nothing significant ensued. Replacing passports, souvenirs and tan lines were the more lackluster refrigerator cleaning*, daylight naps and cable TV movies. Things that aren’t noteworthy and seem like they were a senseless waste time off.
Eventually my meaningless vacation ended and I headed back into the pants and outside world. For my first lunch break, I returned to the local deli nearby my office. As a result of my frequent visits, I became familiar with the staff and we often engaged in small talk. It never escalated to discussing politics or infected rashes but simple stuff like the weather and hating Mondays.
After my elongated absence the staff inquired of my whereabouts. This is when White Knight Lie bailed me from conversing about my uneventful time away. I randomly replied “I was in Carolina visiting some family.”
In actuality, I did not travel there nor do I have any family residing in either Carolina but it did give the illusion that my vacation was well spent. I was praised for being a family man and avoided being teased for my solitary confinement.
Upon exiting with my lunch, I did realize a hole my lie was prone to. Any of the employees could have been raised or familiar with the state. If one proceeded to make a deeper inquiry then my response would have likely been a blank stare. Alas that did not happen and I was safe not knowing that South Carolina’s state bird was the wren. Although I did get lucky, I would have taken the risk regardless because I’m sure the chef would have put less care into preparing my sandwich if he thought I was a hermit.
Well I could carry on with more examples such as “Baby, you don’t look fat in those pants” or “No, this chicken tastes nothing like rubber” but enough viable cases of admirable lying have been shared. In fairness, before concluding I should discuss a drawback I learned from dwelling in false land. It’s not from feeling dirty inside and the lies were eating away at my soul. It’s that if I consistently spit out untruths then I begin doubting the legitimacy of what others say to me. If I’m lying, then I start assuming everyone is lying to me.
My skeptical mind questions every generic offering that others tell me such as “Did so and so really grow these tomatoes in their garden or are they lying and they’re from the market?” The constant untrusting of humanity is disturbing so for selfish reasons I keep lying to a minimum.
To accomplish this, I have instituted a clause that each white lie possesses a 24 hour window where it can be retracted. It’s a reasonable amount of time for someone who has manipulated the truth to recant without fearing consequences. Withdrawing a lie to a person is difficult and if it’s done within a short frame, it shows there was guilt felt about the incident.
As final tip, the above rule only pertains to lies on a small scale. I am trying to change my bad habit of telling people I enjoyed a roasted hen with applewood bacon for dinner when I really had leftover pizza from the floor. If you cheated on your significant other or used “creative” accounting for a tax refund, it may be in your best interest to keep denying it.
Alright, I must cut this essay short. I am off to donate blood followed by reading fairy tales to unfortunate children at the orphanage. Just do me a favor and be around within the next 24 hours, there may be something I need to tell you…... Farewell and lie safely
* refrigerator cleaning is code for finishing the remaining beers in the fridge
I believe there are many benefits of fibbing that are often overlooked. One is to be a hero and rescue an individual from shear humiliation. We all have a friend or coworker that has a great heart, but is annoying to be around. If this person invites you to the opera or a box social, the immediate thought is how to escape without hurting their feelings. Well that is when super lie saves the day. A simple, “Oh, I have baseball tickets that evening” or “Damn, I have open heart surgery that afternoon.”
Now the problem was averted and everyone is still smiling. There is a small chance that the victim will research to find that the baseball team was off that evening or request to see your surgical scar but taking the coward way out is well worth the risk. If it backfires and you never regain speaking terms, it wasn’t really that much of loss. That person was irritating anyway.
Another advantage of an untruth is keeping self-esteem. There are plenty of times when you’re caught chatting with a casual acquaintance and it’s better to salvage dignity as an alternative to spilling the pathetic facts. Let’s say hypothetically I took a two week vacation but nothing significant ensued. Replacing passports, souvenirs and tan lines were the more lackluster refrigerator cleaning*, daylight naps and cable TV movies. Things that aren’t noteworthy and seem like they were a senseless waste time off.
Eventually my meaningless vacation ended and I headed back into the pants and outside world. For my first lunch break, I returned to the local deli nearby my office. As a result of my frequent visits, I became familiar with the staff and we often engaged in small talk. It never escalated to discussing politics or infected rashes but simple stuff like the weather and hating Mondays.
After my elongated absence the staff inquired of my whereabouts. This is when White Knight Lie bailed me from conversing about my uneventful time away. I randomly replied “I was in Carolina visiting some family.”
In actuality, I did not travel there nor do I have any family residing in either Carolina but it did give the illusion that my vacation was well spent. I was praised for being a family man and avoided being teased for my solitary confinement.
Upon exiting with my lunch, I did realize a hole my lie was prone to. Any of the employees could have been raised or familiar with the state. If one proceeded to make a deeper inquiry then my response would have likely been a blank stare. Alas that did not happen and I was safe not knowing that South Carolina’s state bird was the wren. Although I did get lucky, I would have taken the risk regardless because I’m sure the chef would have put less care into preparing my sandwich if he thought I was a hermit.
Well I could carry on with more examples such as “Baby, you don’t look fat in those pants” or “No, this chicken tastes nothing like rubber” but enough viable cases of admirable lying have been shared. In fairness, before concluding I should discuss a drawback I learned from dwelling in false land. It’s not from feeling dirty inside and the lies were eating away at my soul. It’s that if I consistently spit out untruths then I begin doubting the legitimacy of what others say to me. If I’m lying, then I start assuming everyone is lying to me.
My skeptical mind questions every generic offering that others tell me such as “Did so and so really grow these tomatoes in their garden or are they lying and they’re from the market?” The constant untrusting of humanity is disturbing so for selfish reasons I keep lying to a minimum.
To accomplish this, I have instituted a clause that each white lie possesses a 24 hour window where it can be retracted. It’s a reasonable amount of time for someone who has manipulated the truth to recant without fearing consequences. Withdrawing a lie to a person is difficult and if it’s done within a short frame, it shows there was guilt felt about the incident.
As final tip, the above rule only pertains to lies on a small scale. I am trying to change my bad habit of telling people I enjoyed a roasted hen with applewood bacon for dinner when I really had leftover pizza from the floor. If you cheated on your significant other or used “creative” accounting for a tax refund, it may be in your best interest to keep denying it.
Alright, I must cut this essay short. I am off to donate blood followed by reading fairy tales to unfortunate children at the orphanage. Just do me a favor and be around within the next 24 hours, there may be something I need to tell you…... Farewell and lie safely
* refrigerator cleaning is code for finishing the remaining beers in the fridge
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