I- When the boss is out, only accomplish the bare minimum. Management will feel a sense of worthlessness if productivity occurs when they are not around to motivate. The last thing you want is a superior feeling irrelevant
II- Consistency is more important that timeliness. Showing up sporadically late to work proves unreliability. Always arriving late lets fellow employees prepare to not rely on you for a morning crisis
III- Never start a new job at your maximum capability. Setting the bar low makes it easier to show improvement throughout the course of employment. Example, Manager says “I am so proud of Pete, his odor is less potent and he hasn't visited the nurse for stapling his finger in weeks, a raise is in his near future”
IV- Always have two tasks on your plate that need to be completed. If a coworker asks why one isn't finished, you can reply you were working on the other. The other one is always more urgent
V- The first time you get sick during employment, don’t call out. Arriving ill proves initial toughness so that when you falsely call out in the future for amusement park and ski trips, nobody will question your health
VI- If you wake up in someone else’s bed or in the gutter after staying out all night and need to head straight to the office, don’t worry about your pants. Unless have on clown pants, nobody in the office will notice a repeat performance. Focus on changing your shirt and if you are still nervous about your appearance, add a fake accent
VII- This is more for the cold weather but skipping a coat makes it much easier to sneak into the office late. Nobody will think you were idiotic enough to travel in absolute zero conditions without one. Everyone will just assume you were already there
VIII- Agreeing to unfeasible deadlines and offering false promises is a much more mature way of temporarily solving office disputes as opposed to hiding in the bathroom stall
IX- When you get confirmation that you send a successful fax, point up to Jesus. This shows gratefulness about your job and everyone appreciates someone that looks thankful
X- If you are covering for an absentee coworker make sure you take a separate lunch for both you and them. Ordinarily that person would have taken a break and that company time should never be compromised
XI- While in the office, always be a constant professional. Only be seen drinking virgin bloody marys in the morning and non-alcoholic beer in the afternoon. Save the real alcohol for post work, smoke breaks and from a flask while in the bathroom hiding from problems and phone calls
XII- The supply room is an economical way to get all your holiday shopping done. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a red stapler or Valentine’s Day like writing “I love you” on a post-it and sticking it on your lover’s forehead as they sleep
