Although it would be meaningful to pen an essay warning about global warming, tackling the troubled economy or requesting donations for the “Running Against Scissors 5K” charity run I’m doing but meaning is not where I excel. Attempting significance would lead to suffering for me, anyone who reads and the millions I pretend who read. Since that’s pointless, at least let me entertain myself by composing a piece exaggerating an inconsequential encounter I had years back and then twisting an obtuse moral out of it that rationalizes being lazy.
To set the scene, I was entering my apartment lobby carrying
a bag of clean laundry when I heard the ding of the elevator. I sped up my walk hoping that the person
waiting would hear my footsteps and be compassionate enough to hold the
door. Fortune was on my side and to
further my delight the young lady even offered to press the button of my floor
since my hands were occupied.
While replying “23 please”, I noticed that floor 27 was
already lit so after a short pause I continued with “And 24, 25 and 26 as
well.”
A laugh was then shared after she realized my light hearted
attempt for her to unnecessarily stop at 3 floors. This breaking of the ice led to more chatter
and I used laundry as the topic of conversation. I explained how all my clothes were sparkling
and I now had a full wardrobe at my command tomorrow. Even outfits I had
forgotten so it was almost as if I was returning home from a shopping
spree.
After listening she replied “Thou art the handsomest and wittiest
gentleman that dwells upon this kingdom and as not a combination of thee two.
Hence thou art the apex in both categories.”
Okay, I confess that I’m unsure of the exact verbatim she
used because I was too busy basking in the glow of being incredibly amusing to
actually listen. Clearly I inserted some
Shakespearian English and consulted a thesaurus because nobody would’ve spoken
“apex” in that context. Although I do
admit my interpretation isn’t word for word, I assure its merit lies within the
same ballpark.
Anyway, as my momentum slowed and the subject of laundry
drew thin, luck was on my side. The elevator door gradually opened at my
destination and I exited with a smile speaking “Have a lovely afternoon.”
As I strutted into the sunset of the hallway while my shadow
was gently crushed by the elevator doors, I was positive there was now a person
who felt that every word I shared was worth the price of gold. I was content
with what conspired and put our relationship to rest.
Fate on the other hand had a plan of its own. Later that evening as I headed out for a trip
to the grocery store, I bumped into the same female on the subway. This encore gathering was not supposed to be
in the cards. It caught me off guard and
I felt intense pressure to not only replicate what happened earlier, but to
trump it.
My childish idea of avoiding the situation by staring at the emergency procedures
sign quickly failed and we made eye contact. My next thought by default was to open my mouth
and pray something witty would come out.
Unfortunately, silent separated lips changed the scene to
awkward. In panic, my mind scurried
through pathetic salvation options only to dismiss them…..
Compliment
her shoes? No those shoes are average at best and with
those sporty laces, they
could be considered sneakers.
Mention
the weather? No that is too generic and there’s nothing
noteworthy about partly
cloudy.
Offer
a hand shake? No that’s stupid, it’s not a business meeting
and the subway is
unsanitary
Revert
to the laundry joke and say you have on your favorite shirt?
No, you’re wearing
a shirt you hate because you didn't want
something favored buried this early in
the laundry cycle.
That’s when the white flag was waved and I began doubting my
assessment of the original meeting. Was
I merely imagining how charming I was? I had to escape but my mind only offered
questionable exit strategies……..
Close
your eyes? Fake a heart attack? Scramble under the seats
looking for a marble?
Jump off at the next stop despite the grocery
store there having mostly rotten
vegetables? Yell we need to see
other people?
Well, what ended up happening was at the next stop I rode a
wave of entering people to the opposite side of the subway car. After being a comfortable distance away I
reflected back in dismay as to what occurred.
Not only had my mythical stature vanished, she probably pondered why I was allowed to roam free without adult supervision.
I began the day charismatically but
by nightfall it was balanced out by behaving like a social misfit. Life is fair. The higher you climb, the further you fall so
it's best to just to lounge around in middle ground. Sure I could get up off
the couch and try to do some pleasant deeds to make the world a better place
but ultimately they’ll be canceled out.
Let’s say I plant a tree or help an old lady cross the street. Eventually the tree will kidnap an innocent child’s
kitten or kite and the old lady will attempt to rob a bank on the other side of
the highway. The overall benefit to
society will be exactly the same as if I continue to do nothing. Without further regret or hesitation, let me proceed to an
afternoon of relaxing.
