-If I was a pilot and air traffic control forced me to
circle the airport until a runway was available, I’d order one of the flight
attendants to cut the fuel line. Then they’d let me land
-If I was a soccer coach and my team was losing, I’d pull the goalie regardless of how much time was left. It doesn't matter if you lose 1 to 0 or a Million to 0, you still lose
-If I was a lawyer and needed to discredit the character of a witness on the stand, I’d claim they hated cake. Only someone evil would despise cake
-If I was a professor, I’d end all my classes by walking out and repeating “If anyone has any questions, I am sure they are great ones”
-If I was gay, my Halloween costume would be ‘straight male’ and I’d go around wearing relaxed fit jeans saying things like, “See that game last night?”, "That's what she said" and “I’d do her”
-If I was running for president, I’d spend my campaign budget on providing everyone in America with a free donut. That would loosen everyone to my abstract policies of converting the nations monetary system to Sam Adams Oktoberfest during the month of October and making it mandatory for all employers to make Monday a paid vacation day if it rained both days of the weekend
-If I was a soccer coach and my team was losing, I’d pull the goalie regardless of how much time was left. It doesn't matter if you lose 1 to 0 or a Million to 0, you still lose
-If I was a lawyer and needed to discredit the character of a witness on the stand, I’d claim they hated cake. Only someone evil would despise cake
-If I was a professor, I’d end all my classes by walking out and repeating “If anyone has any questions, I am sure they are great ones”
-If I was gay, my Halloween costume would be ‘straight male’ and I’d go around wearing relaxed fit jeans saying things like, “See that game last night?”, "That's what she said" and “I’d do her”
-If I was running for president, I’d spend my campaign budget on providing everyone in America with a free donut. That would loosen everyone to my abstract policies of converting the nations monetary system to Sam Adams Oktoberfest during the month of October and making it mandatory for all employers to make Monday a paid vacation day if it rained both days of the weekend
-If I was a store owner, I’d hold “3 for the price of 10” sales. Then my profits would soar
-If I was a NYC murderer, my spree would
be by annoying people to death. I'd carry a bike on the subway during rush
hour, hold up airport security lines by trying to smuggle snow globes and
fiddle with my iPhone while slowly crossing intersections
-If I was a comedian, I’d be an
elevator standup comic in a medium rise office building. I have about nine
floors worth of quality material before I start repeating or become annoying
-If I were an Olympics judge, I’d
miss something like a gymnast pommel horsing because I was too busy texting or
sexting. Then I’d have to whisper to the
judge next to me “Let me copy your scores”
-If I was a waiter and assumed in
advance that a party was going to tip poorly, I’d spit in their food. If I was wrong and they ended up tipping well, I’d offer a coupon for a free meal
out of guilt. When they returned I’d spit in their food again because obviously
they like that
-If I was to marry a lady with the
last name Lee, I’d let her carry the family name instead. Then I’d choose names
for our boys like Diabolical, Erroneous and Fearless and Waver, Cost and
Pleasant for the girls
