Let me begin with a tale that was the inspiration for this essay. I was at my local watering hole watching football when I noticed a cute bartender working. Since it was a neighboring place, my presence was there enough to recognize she was fairly new. Out of friendliness laced with an ulterior motive for future free beers, I sparked up a conversation. I introduced myself and questioned “Are you new here?”
In a condensed form, she answered that she’s been serving suds for a few months but due to conflicting auditions for some acting roles, she only accepted a limited number of shifts.
I countered with "Oh, so you are doing some part time acting until your bartending career takes off?"
Alas no amusement was found on her end but naturally I presumed it was being disguised by her fabulous acting skills. The flaw in my premise was it refused to explain why I didn’t receive any beer on the house that evening. I just had to assume that if I stayed a cocktail longer, then that one would have been the one paid for by my charm.
Alright, the above encounter was added after the below part was masterfully constructed. I have no desire to modify the original introduction for this piece to flow. Instead I prefer to announce that it won't which clears me from any responsibility. It's like if there was syrup spilled on a restaurant floor and rather than it being mopped up, a “Warning, Wet Floor” sign was hung. In going forward, please be aware, "Rough Transition Ahead."
The title refers to when you’re at a restaurant and an attractive waitress looks like she is just going through the motions. She is doing a half assed job because of modeling or actress aspirations. Her mind is convinced that this is only temporary and that better things are on the horizon.
I decided that if that gets her through her working day, then the same can be true for me. If I accidentally mail out false documents or my hearts not into giving quality client service, it doesn’t matter because this is only an obligation until I become an essayist. Soon this will all be meaningless and have no impact long term. This gives me a built in excuse to rationalize inferior productivity. I can roam around carefree because in theory I am merely killing time.
This concept actually reminds me of when my dad played lotto when I was growing up. He continually tried for the jackpot but his successes were minimal amounts that were simply rolled into more tickets. As the losing continued, I believed he was throwing money down the drain. Of course I was always cheering for the numbers he picked to match the ones displayed on TV but a child’s patience wears thin.
With my dad’s poor use of the family money, I wanted control forfeited over to me. I am not saying I would have invested it wisely into high yield money markets but it could have been used for baseball cards, candy or whatever other crap I fancied as kid. In my eyes, it was smarter to collect tangible playful substances.
Later as a working adult I realized that striking it rich was only a piece of the lottery puzzle. Occasionally when I feel lucky I will play the numbers of my birthday or dream pant waist size. I’ll also chip into the office pool so I don’t have to fear working solo in an empty office. As I started playing more often, I was able to comprehend what lotto was all about.
Yes the main focus was winning millions, but there's also the hope involved. It can assist me out of bed in the morning or through a rough patch during the day. I'll think, maybe just maybe, this will be my last day in the working world. If perchance I wasn't fortunate in instantly raising to a higher tax bracket, there was always another chance to grasp onto tomorrow.
With my new outlook on life, I returned to the local bar to apologize for being a dream crusher. To my dismay, I found out the bartender/actress had resigned from her beer dispensing occupation. Since she left on short notice, she left behind a note for me to read as follows:
Dearest Pete,
It pains me to stop supplying you with alcohol, but my dream has finally come true. After years and years of trying, my father won the lottery and I will become princess in his glorious beach side castle. I have great happiness in my heart and I hope you someday find yours. As my debt to you has been weighing on my conscious, please use this letter as a token for a free beer you were owed due to your charisma.
Yours Truly,
Nameless Bartender
Fine, she did quit serving at the tavern but the above mentioned note was never received and its existence must be debated. You are free to draw your own conclusion or accept the poetic symmetry of mine. Nonetheless, this essay is over as I have plenty of filing to due at my temporary banking job.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Problem with Lying
The trouble that comes to mind after reading the title is probably a morality principle. Lying is evil and a gateway sin to a life of murder and treason. Honesty however, is the best policy and escorts you to the gates of heaven. Truthfulness is the fabric that holds society together but discussing that any further is about as exciting as a head of lettuce. Instead, I prefer to preach my thoughts on the pros and cons of lying.
I believe there are many benefits of fibbing that are often overlooked. One is to be a hero and rescue an individual from shear humiliation. We all have a friend or coworker that has a great heart, but is annoying to be around. If this person invites you to the opera or a box social, the immediate thought is how to escape without hurting their feelings. Well that is when super lie saves the day. A simple, “Oh, I have baseball tickets that evening” or “Damn, I have open heart surgery that afternoon.”
Now the problem was averted and everyone is still smiling. There is a small chance that the victim will research to find that the baseball team was off that evening or request to see your surgical scar but taking the coward way out is well worth the risk. If it backfires and you never regain speaking terms, it wasn’t really that much of loss. That person was irritating anyway.
Another advantage of an untruth is keeping self-esteem. There are plenty of times when you’re caught chatting with a casual acquaintance and it’s better to salvage dignity as an alternative to spilling the pathetic facts. Let’s say hypothetically I took a two week vacation but nothing significant ensued. Replacing passports, souvenirs and tan lines were the more lackluster refrigerator cleaning*, daylight naps and cable TV movies. Things that aren’t noteworthy and seem like they were a senseless waste time off.
Eventually my meaningless vacation ended and I headed back into the pants and outside world. For my first lunch break, I returned to the local deli nearby my office. As a result of my frequent visits, I became familiar with the staff and we often engaged in small talk. It never escalated to discussing politics or infected rashes but simple stuff like the weather and hating Mondays.
After my elongated absence the staff inquired of my whereabouts. This is when White Knight Lie bailed me from conversing about my uneventful time away. I randomly replied “I was in Carolina visiting some family.”
In actuality, I did not travel there nor do I have any family residing in either Carolina but it did give the illusion that my vacation was well spent. I was praised for being a family man and avoided being teased for my solitary confinement.
Upon exiting with my lunch, I did realize a hole my lie was prone to. Any of the employees could have been raised or familiar with the state. If one proceeded to make a deeper inquiry then my response would have likely been a blank stare. Alas that did not happen and I was safe not knowing that South Carolina’s state bird was the wren. Although I did get lucky, I would have taken the risk regardless because I’m sure the chef would have put less care into preparing my sandwich if he thought I was a hermit.
Well I could carry on with more examples such as “Baby, you don’t look fat in those pants” or “No, this chicken tastes nothing like rubber” but enough viable cases of admirable lying have been shared. In fairness, before concluding I should discuss a drawback I learned from dwelling in false land. It’s not from feeling dirty inside and the lies were eating away at my soul. It’s that if I consistently spit out untruths then I begin doubting the legitimacy of what others say to me. If I’m lying, then I start assuming everyone is lying to me.
My skeptical mind questions every generic offering that others tell me such as “Did so and so really grow these tomatoes in their garden or are they lying and they’re from the market?” The constant untrusting of humanity is disturbing so for selfish reasons I keep lying to a minimum.
To accomplish this, I have instituted a clause that each white lie possesses a 24 hour window where it can be retracted. It’s a reasonable amount of time for someone who has manipulated the truth to recant without fearing consequences. Withdrawing a lie to a person is difficult and if it’s done within a short frame, it shows there was guilt felt about the incident.
As final tip, the above rule only pertains to lies on a small scale. I am trying to change my bad habit of telling people I enjoyed a roasted hen with applewood bacon for dinner when I really had leftover pizza from the floor. If you cheated on your significant other or used “creative” accounting for a tax refund, it may be in your best interest to keep denying it.
Alright, I must cut this essay short. I am off to donate blood followed by reading fairy tales to unfortunate children at the orphanage. Just do me a favor and be around within the next 24 hours, there may be something I need to tell you…... Farewell and lie safely
* refrigerator cleaning is code for finishing the remaining beers in the fridge
I believe there are many benefits of fibbing that are often overlooked. One is to be a hero and rescue an individual from shear humiliation. We all have a friend or coworker that has a great heart, but is annoying to be around. If this person invites you to the opera or a box social, the immediate thought is how to escape without hurting their feelings. Well that is when super lie saves the day. A simple, “Oh, I have baseball tickets that evening” or “Damn, I have open heart surgery that afternoon.”
Now the problem was averted and everyone is still smiling. There is a small chance that the victim will research to find that the baseball team was off that evening or request to see your surgical scar but taking the coward way out is well worth the risk. If it backfires and you never regain speaking terms, it wasn’t really that much of loss. That person was irritating anyway.
Another advantage of an untruth is keeping self-esteem. There are plenty of times when you’re caught chatting with a casual acquaintance and it’s better to salvage dignity as an alternative to spilling the pathetic facts. Let’s say hypothetically I took a two week vacation but nothing significant ensued. Replacing passports, souvenirs and tan lines were the more lackluster refrigerator cleaning*, daylight naps and cable TV movies. Things that aren’t noteworthy and seem like they were a senseless waste time off.
Eventually my meaningless vacation ended and I headed back into the pants and outside world. For my first lunch break, I returned to the local deli nearby my office. As a result of my frequent visits, I became familiar with the staff and we often engaged in small talk. It never escalated to discussing politics or infected rashes but simple stuff like the weather and hating Mondays.
After my elongated absence the staff inquired of my whereabouts. This is when White Knight Lie bailed me from conversing about my uneventful time away. I randomly replied “I was in Carolina visiting some family.”
In actuality, I did not travel there nor do I have any family residing in either Carolina but it did give the illusion that my vacation was well spent. I was praised for being a family man and avoided being teased for my solitary confinement.
Upon exiting with my lunch, I did realize a hole my lie was prone to. Any of the employees could have been raised or familiar with the state. If one proceeded to make a deeper inquiry then my response would have likely been a blank stare. Alas that did not happen and I was safe not knowing that South Carolina’s state bird was the wren. Although I did get lucky, I would have taken the risk regardless because I’m sure the chef would have put less care into preparing my sandwich if he thought I was a hermit.
Well I could carry on with more examples such as “Baby, you don’t look fat in those pants” or “No, this chicken tastes nothing like rubber” but enough viable cases of admirable lying have been shared. In fairness, before concluding I should discuss a drawback I learned from dwelling in false land. It’s not from feeling dirty inside and the lies were eating away at my soul. It’s that if I consistently spit out untruths then I begin doubting the legitimacy of what others say to me. If I’m lying, then I start assuming everyone is lying to me.
My skeptical mind questions every generic offering that others tell me such as “Did so and so really grow these tomatoes in their garden or are they lying and they’re from the market?” The constant untrusting of humanity is disturbing so for selfish reasons I keep lying to a minimum.
To accomplish this, I have instituted a clause that each white lie possesses a 24 hour window where it can be retracted. It’s a reasonable amount of time for someone who has manipulated the truth to recant without fearing consequences. Withdrawing a lie to a person is difficult and if it’s done within a short frame, it shows there was guilt felt about the incident.
As final tip, the above rule only pertains to lies on a small scale. I am trying to change my bad habit of telling people I enjoyed a roasted hen with applewood bacon for dinner when I really had leftover pizza from the floor. If you cheated on your significant other or used “creative” accounting for a tax refund, it may be in your best interest to keep denying it.
Alright, I must cut this essay short. I am off to donate blood followed by reading fairy tales to unfortunate children at the orphanage. Just do me a favor and be around within the next 24 hours, there may be something I need to tell you…... Farewell and lie safely
* refrigerator cleaning is code for finishing the remaining beers in the fridge
Friday, March 18, 2011
I Think We Should See Other Paragraphs
For situations where the probability of the outcome is likely to be unfavorable I have created a new one step ahead process. Rather than patiently waiting to lose, switch to being the aggressor. This eliminates clutching on to a small hope which painfully disintegrates into disappointment.
Alright, well now is probably a wise spot to give an example of what I’m writing about. Let's say I notice a famous actress at the Laundromat that’s clearly out of my league but think to myself, boy I wish I could “marry her.” She’s also a foot taller, reading poetry and sporting a wedding ring the size of an unpeeled orange. Those things prove inconsequential as my brain peps me up by mentioning,
“You look stunning in heels, poems aren’t your forte but you enjoy the occasional dirty limerick and her ring is only on to repel weirdoes, not someone of your stature. Toss a sock nearby and while fetching it say, wouldn’t it be a great story to tell our future kids that we met doing laundry?”
Well this encounter was doomed for the start and got the snobbish reply “How about I tell my billionaire husband I met a ‘sock-hole’ doing laundry?” Thus I end up heartbroken and watch my clothes spin as I peel an orange in my misery. Now I am depressed over a situation that had a zero percent chance of success.
What I am proposing is to take the initiative and prevent the unwanted result before it occurs. This time after strolling over to regain the sock, I’ll peer into her laundry basket with discontent and say “Listen, I don’t think our clothes are the right match, I am going to start seeing other people.” Now as I am strutting away, my imagination has me believing she is devastated and that I turned down the advances of a celebrity. Our relationship was doomed to end abruptly, but using the latter one allowed it to be on my terms.
This tactic isn’t only applicable in the romance realm. Once I recall bombing on an interview for my dream position as Lord Essayist. At first I latched onto a fragment of hope that the employer could see my winning personality shine through my idiotic words. Maybe I’m overreacting and my response wasn’t that bad when asked to provide an example about excelling on a special project. There has to be some hidden positives in my reply of…
"There was an instance while working late, I had to accomplish this monumental task with a tight deadline and minimal budget, to cover for an incompetent worker, who quit the day prior to join the circus and on his departure spitefully poisoned the files necessary for the assignment. Since the client waiting for the research report was an impatient dictator, I knew time was against me. Fighting through a hangover with shear determination, I was able to cure the damaged documents and save a kitten from falling into the paper shredder. My boss was so impressed that he is still raving how both the company avoided the wrath of a tyrant and can still say it never murdered any cute animals because of me...........alright I give up, none of that happened. I spoke a few generic statements at first hoping to stall time to contrive a pertinent example but obviously I just spiraled into a far fetched tale. I do swear that if this interview was again tomorrow, I would have a well rehearsed answer to that question."
After reevaluating I decided there was no saving the situation. My shot was already botched by arriving late and mumbling nonsense to my possible manager so it was pointless to sulk about it. Instead, it’s smarter to be proactive and mail out a professional rejection memo to the company on official Pete Lopez letterhead.
“Dear Firm Z,
Thank you for taking time out of your precious day to meet with me. Unfortunately I just don't think your corporation is the right fit. I have come to the conclusion that it’s within my best interest to see other employers. I will keep your company’s information on file for at least a year and if some unrealistic scenario comes along where I reconsider employment, I shall contact you. Best of luck in all your corporate adventures and I’m sure you’ll find someone excited to work for you and takes the position seriously.
Warm Regards
Pete Lopez”
To recap everything, I didn’t meet my sugar momma while doing laundry and I’m still writing essays as a peasant, but in my eyes, I was always the winner. My warped vision has the actress pleading that she can change wardrobes and Firm Z is literally holding a wealthy offer incase I ever reassess. Maybe I am right or maybe I am wrong but my beliefs tuck me in and allow me to get a great night sleep. Sweet dreams.
PS famous celebrities probably don't do their own laundry, just roll with it
Alright, well now is probably a wise spot to give an example of what I’m writing about. Let's say I notice a famous actress at the Laundromat that’s clearly out of my league but think to myself, boy I wish I could “marry her.” She’s also a foot taller, reading poetry and sporting a wedding ring the size of an unpeeled orange. Those things prove inconsequential as my brain peps me up by mentioning,
“You look stunning in heels, poems aren’t your forte but you enjoy the occasional dirty limerick and her ring is only on to repel weirdoes, not someone of your stature. Toss a sock nearby and while fetching it say, wouldn’t it be a great story to tell our future kids that we met doing laundry?”
Well this encounter was doomed for the start and got the snobbish reply “How about I tell my billionaire husband I met a ‘sock-hole’ doing laundry?” Thus I end up heartbroken and watch my clothes spin as I peel an orange in my misery. Now I am depressed over a situation that had a zero percent chance of success.
What I am proposing is to take the initiative and prevent the unwanted result before it occurs. This time after strolling over to regain the sock, I’ll peer into her laundry basket with discontent and say “Listen, I don’t think our clothes are the right match, I am going to start seeing other people.” Now as I am strutting away, my imagination has me believing she is devastated and that I turned down the advances of a celebrity. Our relationship was doomed to end abruptly, but using the latter one allowed it to be on my terms.
This tactic isn’t only applicable in the romance realm. Once I recall bombing on an interview for my dream position as Lord Essayist. At first I latched onto a fragment of hope that the employer could see my winning personality shine through my idiotic words. Maybe I’m overreacting and my response wasn’t that bad when asked to provide an example about excelling on a special project. There has to be some hidden positives in my reply of…
"There was an instance while working late, I had to accomplish this monumental task with a tight deadline and minimal budget, to cover for an incompetent worker, who quit the day prior to join the circus and on his departure spitefully poisoned the files necessary for the assignment. Since the client waiting for the research report was an impatient dictator, I knew time was against me. Fighting through a hangover with shear determination, I was able to cure the damaged documents and save a kitten from falling into the paper shredder. My boss was so impressed that he is still raving how both the company avoided the wrath of a tyrant and can still say it never murdered any cute animals because of me...........alright I give up, none of that happened. I spoke a few generic statements at first hoping to stall time to contrive a pertinent example but obviously I just spiraled into a far fetched tale. I do swear that if this interview was again tomorrow, I would have a well rehearsed answer to that question."
After reevaluating I decided there was no saving the situation. My shot was already botched by arriving late and mumbling nonsense to my possible manager so it was pointless to sulk about it. Instead, it’s smarter to be proactive and mail out a professional rejection memo to the company on official Pete Lopez letterhead.
“Dear Firm Z,
Thank you for taking time out of your precious day to meet with me. Unfortunately I just don't think your corporation is the right fit. I have come to the conclusion that it’s within my best interest to see other employers. I will keep your company’s information on file for at least a year and if some unrealistic scenario comes along where I reconsider employment, I shall contact you. Best of luck in all your corporate adventures and I’m sure you’ll find someone excited to work for you and takes the position seriously.
Warm Regards
Pete Lopez”
To recap everything, I didn’t meet my sugar momma while doing laundry and I’m still writing essays as a peasant, but in my eyes, I was always the winner. My warped vision has the actress pleading that she can change wardrobes and Firm Z is literally holding a wealthy offer incase I ever reassess. Maybe I am right or maybe I am wrong but my beliefs tuck me in and allow me to get a great night sleep. Sweet dreams.
PS famous celebrities probably don't do their own laundry, just roll with it
Friday, March 4, 2011
The 4 Categories of Movie Previews
When watching television, it’s common to see advertisements for upcoming movies. The intention is to persuade you to get off the couch and head to the cinema. The producers will resort to any measures necessary to have that accomplished. That includes spoiling the best parts and if they don’t receive positive feedback from real critics, they’ll just quote favorable reviews from random people who saw an advanced screening. A movie studio ranks a films success on how much money it rakes in rather than the number of stars it gets.
With that being the case, I have developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether or not I am going to enjoy the movie. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything contained in it, is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit to the film or if the preview is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Now after some experimenting, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place movies from solely viewing a preview and have explained them below.
Sure Bet - This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, brash violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a Space Mesopotamia and the dignified cast did not come from a reality show. I’ll bet my namesake on the superiority of the film and rally a crowd to join me to at the theater. I am already expecting pats on the back after the viewing for selecting it. I’ll do so much bragging that this flick is going to be awesome that even if it the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending that it was amazing. I have put this movie on too high on a pedestal to ever admit it was anything less than great.
Metro-sexual - This movie can swing either way. The preview showed some moments of potential but also doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but also have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith in the picture I wouldn’t risk my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they would shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in unexpected free time like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers my expectations because it wasn’t my idea or it’s in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s great, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my choice or I am sure it was better than filing audit reports in the supply room.
Ten Seconder - Somewhere in a magazine I read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not me. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory.
Sore Fist - Instead of only being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid and my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project ever got financed and I am certain I could film something superior using a hand puppet or a vacuum as the star character. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch jokes. I’m so incensed, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and wait outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear future consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the plaintiff was encouraging the director to make a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.
With that being the case, I have developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether or not I am going to enjoy the movie. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything contained in it, is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit to the film or if the preview is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Now after some experimenting, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place movies from solely viewing a preview and have explained them below.
Sure Bet - This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, brash violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a Space Mesopotamia and the dignified cast did not come from a reality show. I’ll bet my namesake on the superiority of the film and rally a crowd to join me to at the theater. I am already expecting pats on the back after the viewing for selecting it. I’ll do so much bragging that this flick is going to be awesome that even if it the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending that it was amazing. I have put this movie on too high on a pedestal to ever admit it was anything less than great.
Metro-sexual - This movie can swing either way. The preview showed some moments of potential but also doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but also have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith in the picture I wouldn’t risk my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they would shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in unexpected free time like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers my expectations because it wasn’t my idea or it’s in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s great, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my choice or I am sure it was better than filing audit reports in the supply room.
Ten Seconder - Somewhere in a magazine I read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not me. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory.
Sore Fist - Instead of only being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid and my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project ever got financed and I am certain I could film something superior using a hand puppet or a vacuum as the star character. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch jokes. I’m so incensed, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and wait outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear future consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the plaintiff was encouraging the director to make a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sorry, You Can’t Read, This Blog is Sold Out
I’m presuming your first thought was, “Nobody can tell me what I can’t read” and then proceeded to read this despite not having permission. No one ever wants to be denied access and that includes opportunities that would be avoided if they were readily available. The mind cannot always process that something you can’t have may also be something you don’t want.
I became aware of this conundrum when I turned down an extra ticket to a concert a colleague offered. The show was too expensive, the original drummer was in rehab or it was on my yoga night. I don’t recall the exact excuse behind refusing but one of those sounds reasonable. Obviously, it wasn’t because I was set to receive a Pulitzer Prize that evening.
Anyway, later on I heard on the radio that the performance had sold out. After discovering that the option of going was no longer in my control, I became devastated. It hit me that I was the number one fan of “Band Theta” and I was adamant on being there.
Unfortunately, the ticket trickled down the pecking order to some female. I tried bribing my friend with free rounds of alcohol to retake me instead and I insisted there was no way she was a bigger fan then I just realized I was and. Alas, my efforts to persuade him proved fruitless because what it really boiled down to was her having nicer legs.
As I sat on my bed concert night in dismay, I reflected upon the experience. Maybe it wasn’t my own desire to see “Band Theta” but it was falsely created in response to being unable to go. Demand for a product can be more essential then the quality of it. Finding out the concert was sold out did not improve the band’s music but for some reason it increased my craving for it.
With that wisdom, I had to find a way to take advantage of this phenomenon. I began pondering about how easily accessible a diner was. Given that it’s available 24 hours, there is never a mad dash to arrive. That leads to casually meandering around and leaving opportunities to wander off course.
Say a person wakes with a passion for waffles at the diner. Since they have infinite time, it’s common to end up getting distracted. They try to squeeze in a load of laundry to clean their favorite green shirt, read new catalogues from the mail while waiting for the dryer and before long they are at the department store shopping for discounted golf clubs.
Although enjoying breakfast at the diner was the original priority, there were no enforced parameters. Now the person has already eaten at the mall food court and has focused their attention on finding a tee time. The waffle plan was placed on the backburner and who knows when it will be spatula-ed off. The sappy diner never plays hard to get and is treated like a floor mat. Over convenience can be a restaurant’s worst enemy.
My proposal is to introduce an eatery that has restricted hours. Maybe not even hours, just minutes. If you don’t have a reservation or show during the allotted time at Pete’s 47 Minutes of Heaven Cafe, then you blew it. That won’t even account for the random days I shut the doors for private parties or to just to sit in the window mocking patrons.
This isn’t an easy rebound restaurant that’s wrapped around your finger. It’s a challenge, so when you arise in the morning, all of your attention is centered on arriving in the limited time frame. I’ll bet that people at my establishment missed board meetings, went with just deodorant instead of showering or recklessly weaved across 3 lanes of traffic to get there.
Now for the customers who are punctual, their adrenaline is pumping. This artificial sense of excitement has their mouth watering for any food. My pedestrian potatoes, mediocre meatloaf and floor wine have transformed into fantastic garlic roasted fritters, tender aged prime rib and table wine. The most difficult customers are ones that are grouchy, but at Pete’s 47 Minutes of Heaven Café everyone is so drunk off a sense of proudness for showing, how the food tastes is meaningless.
Twisting the hours of supply so tightly has demand overflowing in my favor. I have found a way to intertwine two simple things, limited working hours and serving average produce. This foolproof plan is a lazy man’s dream.
Alright, let me calm down because it’s unlikely my restaurant will launch. This entrepreneur considers making cereal, freezing ice and conducting the deli worker through making my sandwich as forms of cooking. Also, I have been oblivious to my lack of capital or have a prospectus worthy enough to get a loan financed.
Besides, I am more of an idea man. Creating a dream world scenario that has a low percentage of success is my strength. Anything towards making the design a reality shifts towards a weakness. If I brainstorm a get rich quick scheme, while putting the plan in motion, I devise ways to make that process easier. It’s a never ending cycle so I am better off on the couch instead of weakening the structure of the absurd idea until it collapses.
The morale of this story still remains. If the girl with the poor personality never returns your call, ballroom dancing class is filled or the limited edition presidential coin offer expired, don’t get upset. If you had them, you would be finding ways to escape or to dispose of them. You should have just listened that this essay was sold out. You could’ve been off doing something rewarding, like a puzzle or taking a nap. I am sure you’d rather pieced together an accomplishment or feel refreshed now.
I became aware of this conundrum when I turned down an extra ticket to a concert a colleague offered. The show was too expensive, the original drummer was in rehab or it was on my yoga night. I don’t recall the exact excuse behind refusing but one of those sounds reasonable. Obviously, it wasn’t because I was set to receive a Pulitzer Prize that evening.
Anyway, later on I heard on the radio that the performance had sold out. After discovering that the option of going was no longer in my control, I became devastated. It hit me that I was the number one fan of “Band Theta” and I was adamant on being there.
Unfortunately, the ticket trickled down the pecking order to some female. I tried bribing my friend with free rounds of alcohol to retake me instead and I insisted there was no way she was a bigger fan then I just realized I was and. Alas, my efforts to persuade him proved fruitless because what it really boiled down to was her having nicer legs.
As I sat on my bed concert night in dismay, I reflected upon the experience. Maybe it wasn’t my own desire to see “Band Theta” but it was falsely created in response to being unable to go. Demand for a product can be more essential then the quality of it. Finding out the concert was sold out did not improve the band’s music but for some reason it increased my craving for it.
With that wisdom, I had to find a way to take advantage of this phenomenon. I began pondering about how easily accessible a diner was. Given that it’s available 24 hours, there is never a mad dash to arrive. That leads to casually meandering around and leaving opportunities to wander off course.
Say a person wakes with a passion for waffles at the diner. Since they have infinite time, it’s common to end up getting distracted. They try to squeeze in a load of laundry to clean their favorite green shirt, read new catalogues from the mail while waiting for the dryer and before long they are at the department store shopping for discounted golf clubs.
Although enjoying breakfast at the diner was the original priority, there were no enforced parameters. Now the person has already eaten at the mall food court and has focused their attention on finding a tee time. The waffle plan was placed on the backburner and who knows when it will be spatula-ed off. The sappy diner never plays hard to get and is treated like a floor mat. Over convenience can be a restaurant’s worst enemy.
My proposal is to introduce an eatery that has restricted hours. Maybe not even hours, just minutes. If you don’t have a reservation or show during the allotted time at Pete’s 47 Minutes of Heaven Cafe, then you blew it. That won’t even account for the random days I shut the doors for private parties or to just to sit in the window mocking patrons.
This isn’t an easy rebound restaurant that’s wrapped around your finger. It’s a challenge, so when you arise in the morning, all of your attention is centered on arriving in the limited time frame. I’ll bet that people at my establishment missed board meetings, went with just deodorant instead of showering or recklessly weaved across 3 lanes of traffic to get there.
Now for the customers who are punctual, their adrenaline is pumping. This artificial sense of excitement has their mouth watering for any food. My pedestrian potatoes, mediocre meatloaf and floor wine have transformed into fantastic garlic roasted fritters, tender aged prime rib and table wine. The most difficult customers are ones that are grouchy, but at Pete’s 47 Minutes of Heaven Café everyone is so drunk off a sense of proudness for showing, how the food tastes is meaningless.
Twisting the hours of supply so tightly has demand overflowing in my favor. I have found a way to intertwine two simple things, limited working hours and serving average produce. This foolproof plan is a lazy man’s dream.
Alright, let me calm down because it’s unlikely my restaurant will launch. This entrepreneur considers making cereal, freezing ice and conducting the deli worker through making my sandwich as forms of cooking. Also, I have been oblivious to my lack of capital or have a prospectus worthy enough to get a loan financed.
Besides, I am more of an idea man. Creating a dream world scenario that has a low percentage of success is my strength. Anything towards making the design a reality shifts towards a weakness. If I brainstorm a get rich quick scheme, while putting the plan in motion, I devise ways to make that process easier. It’s a never ending cycle so I am better off on the couch instead of weakening the structure of the absurd idea until it collapses.
The morale of this story still remains. If the girl with the poor personality never returns your call, ballroom dancing class is filled or the limited edition presidential coin offer expired, don’t get upset. If you had them, you would be finding ways to escape or to dispose of them. You should have just listened that this essay was sold out. You could’ve been off doing something rewarding, like a puzzle or taking a nap. I am sure you’d rather pieced together an accomplishment or feel refreshed now.
Friday, February 11, 2011
I Wish This Essay Was Worth a Billion Dollars
My personal stance is that wishing, hoping or sacrificing a live chicken is irrelevant to swaying an outcome in any favor. I am no different than anyone else as I’m prone to praying for things to turn my way but channeling willpower towards a desired result is useless. Back when the NY Giants won the Superbowl, I wished as mightily as my heart could handle for that victory but despite my efforts, the team never recognized my fortitude at the championship parade or awarded me a ring.
In playing devil’s advocate, I have been wrong before on assumptions that I considered a sure bet. I would have gambled my first born on Goliath winning as I heard the tale. I was also certain about a romantic connection with a stripper once, but alas my remarks weren’t as witty as my wallet emptied and she went on to see other people. It goes against my better judgment, but perhaps there is a slim chance that wishing can aid a circumstance to my preference.
Since there’s an ounce of doubt, I’m preparing a backup plan in case the unexpected occurs. Maybe there is some sort of Wish Genie floating around and granting rare wishes. It’s human nature to crave simple pleasures like the grass mowing itself or there’s ice already made in the freezer but I better look at the bigger picture. On the tiniest odds that there is a supernatural force scarcely authorizing wishes, then it’s asinine to waste any on something insignificant.
Could you imagine if I was given one shining moment of fulfillment and I used it for pre-made frozen water? I would have been blessed with anything in the universe and what I fancied was cubes to cool down a glass of lemonade in the middle of winter. Eternal riches were within my grasp but an impulsive urge let them melt away.
Well as of now, all of my wishes will have a permanent effect. I still won’t believe they will be answered, but “genie forbid” I am wrong, they’re not going to be squandered away on a temporary happiness. Say I’m at motor vehicle, rather than hoping for a short wait on line or that all the customers ahead of me to disintegrate, I’ll wish to be the Emperor of France.
That fruition treats my impatience, avoids crumbling innocent bystanders into dust and has me chauffeured around from castle to castle drinking fine wine in the back of a limo. I’ve revamped curing a minor nuisance into living comfortably as a foreign aristocrat. A position as a figurehead of an elite European country solves my current hassle and improves my life for the long term.
So my advice to everyone is, if you are sitting in your office cubicle around 3pm and are desperately wishing for the 5pm whistle, please reassess. That’s skipping a measly two hours and you still have to return tomorrow. What if 3pm was the instant when your one wish was destined to prosper and it was blown on magically teleporting outside the office a couple hours into the future? On your commute the following morning, I guarantee you’ll be biting your lip in frustration that you’re not flying to superhero headquarters or constructing a play fort from an excess of gold bars.
A smart man is always investing into the future. Wishing a bit more would squeeze out of the toothpaste tube before heading to bed is fruitless by dawn. Shoot for the stars or risk settling for the booby prize is my motto. I am fairly certain this essay will not net me a billion dollars but on the microscopic chance this wish is bestowed upon me by a higher being, I’ll be awfully glad this piece wasn’t named “I Wish I Could Trade This Essay for a Ham Sandwich.”
In playing devil’s advocate, I have been wrong before on assumptions that I considered a sure bet. I would have gambled my first born on Goliath winning as I heard the tale. I was also certain about a romantic connection with a stripper once, but alas my remarks weren’t as witty as my wallet emptied and she went on to see other people. It goes against my better judgment, but perhaps there is a slim chance that wishing can aid a circumstance to my preference.
Since there’s an ounce of doubt, I’m preparing a backup plan in case the unexpected occurs. Maybe there is some sort of Wish Genie floating around and granting rare wishes. It’s human nature to crave simple pleasures like the grass mowing itself or there’s ice already made in the freezer but I better look at the bigger picture. On the tiniest odds that there is a supernatural force scarcely authorizing wishes, then it’s asinine to waste any on something insignificant.
Could you imagine if I was given one shining moment of fulfillment and I used it for pre-made frozen water? I would have been blessed with anything in the universe and what I fancied was cubes to cool down a glass of lemonade in the middle of winter. Eternal riches were within my grasp but an impulsive urge let them melt away.
Well as of now, all of my wishes will have a permanent effect. I still won’t believe they will be answered, but “genie forbid” I am wrong, they’re not going to be squandered away on a temporary happiness. Say I’m at motor vehicle, rather than hoping for a short wait on line or that all the customers ahead of me to disintegrate, I’ll wish to be the Emperor of France.
That fruition treats my impatience, avoids crumbling innocent bystanders into dust and has me chauffeured around from castle to castle drinking fine wine in the back of a limo. I’ve revamped curing a minor nuisance into living comfortably as a foreign aristocrat. A position as a figurehead of an elite European country solves my current hassle and improves my life for the long term.
So my advice to everyone is, if you are sitting in your office cubicle around 3pm and are desperately wishing for the 5pm whistle, please reassess. That’s skipping a measly two hours and you still have to return tomorrow. What if 3pm was the instant when your one wish was destined to prosper and it was blown on magically teleporting outside the office a couple hours into the future? On your commute the following morning, I guarantee you’ll be biting your lip in frustration that you’re not flying to superhero headquarters or constructing a play fort from an excess of gold bars.
A smart man is always investing into the future. Wishing a bit more would squeeze out of the toothpaste tube before heading to bed is fruitless by dawn. Shoot for the stars or risk settling for the booby prize is my motto. I am fairly certain this essay will not net me a billion dollars but on the microscopic chance this wish is bestowed upon me by a higher being, I’ll be awfully glad this piece wasn’t named “I Wish I Could Trade This Essay for a Ham Sandwich.”
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Top Dozen “So I Think’s”
Alright, well I am probably not fooling anyone anymore as this is just another lame list of unrelated comments tied together because they all start with “so”. I am not going to defend my actions but I will not put them to a halt either. I did have extreme desire to post a romantic tale that concluded with a tearjerker decision where the lead male had to sacrifice the love of his life for the betterment of humanity. To my usual regret, I created emotionless cardboard characters with no chemistry between them so I just had them eaten by sharks.
After abruptly dragging the main couple off to sea for no clear or explained reason midway through the love story, I still had another half to write. That part consisted of me apologizing and offering free gifts and coupons for tolerating this. Since I cannot afford providing gift certificates, Tupperware sets or ski trips as prizes for suffering though my literary work, I scrapped that story and I now proudly-er then that present, the Top Dozen “So I Think’s”
I- so I think, that I am unreliably reliable, I mean I usually show up for all my appointments, just nobody knows when
II- so I think, that I got scammed because I bought a bag of reduced fat chips and think they tasted identical to the regular fat ones, there was just a lesser amount in the bag
III- so I think, that it's great when using “just hope it goes away” approach to problem solving or rashes and it's successful
IV- so I think, that one of my strengths is when people say "Never mind Pete, just forget I asked" or "Don’t worry about it, it’s not your problem" I am great at never minding and not worrying
V- so I think, that I would be a fantastic elevator standup comic in a medium rise building, I have about 7 floors of material before I repeat or get annoying
VI- so I think, that the key to becoming a millionaire is to begin acting like a millionaire and then work your way backwards to find out how you got there
VII- so I like to think, that I am invisible to people who are wearing sunglasses. There is no basis to this theory but it amuses me
VIII- so I think, that I am going to skip his first 7 years since he’ll never remember and then on that 8th Christmas with the money saved, get my nephew a dirt bike, then I'll best uncle ever
IX- so I think, that I subconsciously cross the street safer as the week continues, I’ll be damned if I make all the way to Friday and don't get to enjoy the weekend
X- so I think, that the "I'll show them by killing myself" theory will work great and make the strongest of people feel guilty, but you only get to do it once, what if someone else pisses you off?
XI- so I think, that everyone has one “personal superpower” and mine is the remarkable ability to fall asleep whenever I want. I just need to figure out how that can aid mankind
XII- so I think, that anyone saying the phrase "I am not stupid" is stupid, because non-stupid people normally don't have to defend themselves
After abruptly dragging the main couple off to sea for no clear or explained reason midway through the love story, I still had another half to write. That part consisted of me apologizing and offering free gifts and coupons for tolerating this. Since I cannot afford providing gift certificates, Tupperware sets or ski trips as prizes for suffering though my literary work, I scrapped that story and I now proudly-er then that present, the Top Dozen “So I Think’s”
I- so I think, that I am unreliably reliable, I mean I usually show up for all my appointments, just nobody knows when
II- so I think, that I got scammed because I bought a bag of reduced fat chips and think they tasted identical to the regular fat ones, there was just a lesser amount in the bag
III- so I think, that it's great when using “just hope it goes away” approach to problem solving or rashes and it's successful
IV- so I think, that one of my strengths is when people say "Never mind Pete, just forget I asked" or "Don’t worry about it, it’s not your problem" I am great at never minding and not worrying
V- so I think, that I would be a fantastic elevator standup comic in a medium rise building, I have about 7 floors of material before I repeat or get annoying
VI- so I think, that the key to becoming a millionaire is to begin acting like a millionaire and then work your way backwards to find out how you got there
VII- so I like to think, that I am invisible to people who are wearing sunglasses. There is no basis to this theory but it amuses me
VIII- so I think, that I am going to skip his first 7 years since he’ll never remember and then on that 8th Christmas with the money saved, get my nephew a dirt bike, then I'll best uncle ever
IX- so I think, that I subconsciously cross the street safer as the week continues, I’ll be damned if I make all the way to Friday and don't get to enjoy the weekend
X- so I think, that the "I'll show them by killing myself" theory will work great and make the strongest of people feel guilty, but you only get to do it once, what if someone else pisses you off?
XI- so I think, that everyone has one “personal superpower” and mine is the remarkable ability to fall asleep whenever I want. I just need to figure out how that can aid mankind
XII- so I think, that anyone saying the phrase "I am not stupid" is stupid, because non-stupid people normally don't have to defend themselves
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