Autumn Blog Season Preview

Now that bathing suits and sundresses have been abandoned for long johns and mittens, I am sure everyone is anxious to get cozy with a brand new Blog Season. Slip into a comfortable pair of dark pants, pour a glass of hot cider and let me provide you with a sneak peak of the upcoming Road to Absolute Zero entries. There is just so much great stuff to be excited for. Let me stop this silly seasonal banter and give you some tantalizing teasers about what the weeks ahead have in store………


Life is Short, Wear Heels
This blog has nothing to do with male cross-dressing or a helpful boost to dust top shelves. Instead, it is my Shakespearean attempt at a poetic metaphor about making the most out of human existence. Life does not stand tall by itself, so sometimes you have to kick it up a notch. There needs to be some peril (aka heels) in living to keep you on your toes. Once in a while you have to add broken glass, flammable goods and a shot of whiskey to see what happens. The blog goes on to explain that the same monotonous flat footed routine will lead to a sole-less existence.


Involuntary Man Slaughter
This suspenseful entry begins with a casual encounter I had with a fellow pedestrian on the streets of New York City. In a moment of lapse, I accidentally pointed him in the opposite direction of where he was seeking. Throughout the remainder of the day, my head formulated a hypothetical chain of unfortunate events that wound up leading to his untimely death. In fear of committing unintentional murder, I frantically rush around the city against the clock. Were my calculations of his fate accurate? Was I able to rescue him seconds before certain doom? Was he perfectly fine? Could he remember who I was?


An Award Winning Essay
This brilliant piece takes an obtuse look at the philosophy “You can do anything that you put your mind to.” It begins with, sure, there’s a chance of success through hard work and dedication, but some failure and depression are destined to happen along the way. Alas, a similar but effortless deduction of that viewpoint can be made as “A mind at rest is full of limitless potential." This means, I can relax on the couch knowing, that the villain preventing me from my goals is simply myself. Perhaps one day I will compose an award winning essay, architect a majestic skyscraper or learn to prepare a balanced meals, but right now I am perfectly content assuming that I could accomplish those things if I chose to put my mind to it.


The Cinderella of Fruit
This touching blog leans toward my sensitive side. I admit, sometimes when I am out at a grocery store shopping for fruit I purposely toss in a few pieces that are slightly bruised or discolored. I just feel so guilty they may have been raised with poor agriculture. Then upon returning home, I place them in a hanging basket beside my fridge and pray those “ugly ducklings”, with the help of my tender love and care will blossom into a “swan”. Do my nurturing attempts end up being fruitful? Or is it a rotten waste of money?


Please Die-Vest
This rant takes a deep look into my strong anti-vest stance. To me, not only is it getting dressed after already being dressed, it is highly insulting to the shirt worn underneath. It would be offensive if you mentioned to a colleague “I enjoy your company but find your face repulsive. I insist you place this bag over it.” The rage carries on and gives a few examples of when a vest is acceptable. One involves a disastrous spaghetti incident during a business lunch. Luckily an emergency vest rushes to the rescue to hide the evidence. Then after listing the practical uses, it assumes people with vests could be covering stains or using an adult bib. Finally, without giving the ending away, it shows ways to expose the vest wearer as a slob.


…so the above is merely a tease to get the mouth watering. There is much much more to this season than raking tree shit (leaves). A cake, an orangutan butler, lead balloons & paint, hot bridesmaids, cold bridesmaids, pleasant druglords, alpine glaciers, a celestial orchestra, the equator, the female penis, talking in 4th person and reduced fat oils are all things stuffed into one great Fall Cornucopia. I am positive this doesn’t have to be reinforced, but stay tuned……….