Monday, August 29, 2011
Top Bakers Dozen Hurricane Facts*
*Not really facts at all, probably on the side of opinion and me just saying stuff. Also, now in my later blogger stage, I am too lazy to number, but I promise there are 13
-Well I guess it could have been worse, the hurricane could’ve had a gun
-I think that bastard hurricane stole some of my socks, I’m finding all this mismatched pairs now
-Probably wasn’t the right day to hang my clothes out to dry
-During the day on the stoop of my apartment I conducted a Wind Chimes orchestra. It was mostly covers but a few originals
-There is tree shit (leaves) everywhere
-I think I may have out hurricanned the hurricane, was so hungover the day after
-Was walking around town and only saw one tree that was turned over but I think it was ruled a suicide, not from the winds
-I have instituted natural disaster lingo by adding hurricane or emergency in front of everything I do. For example, I just woke from a Hurricane nap and now am having a hurricane sandwich with an emergency beer
-Well if the world ends with this hurricane, the pearly gates of heaven better not have a breathalyzer test because I won’t pass
-Hurricane panic is setting in, I stopped at Duane Reade during my lunch break for supplies and they were sold out of kites and windsocks
-Valentine’s Day is to greeting cards is like a hurricane is to grocery stores, it’s a made up event by the industry to raise sales
-An earthquake, a hurricane on the way and a new Bangles album dropping soon? I am already lacking motivation to get this compliance project done, signs that the end of the world is nearing is not helping
-Is alcohol consumed during a natural disaster a tax writeoff? I am just trying to prepare for next April
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
A Short Puppy Tale
A few weeks ago while strolling through the park I passed a gated area reserved for canines. Inside, one of the larger dogs was jumping all over a smaller one. As I was observing, I overheard their owners chatting. The one with the larger hound explained “Oh, no need to worry, that’s just how Ruford plays.”
The other owner accepted the justification and seemed unfazed as her tiny mutt was ravaged.
Eventually Ruford grew tired of pounding on his playmate and the parties separated. Owners and pets headed home and it was just another day in the park.
intermission………
Later that evening, my mother stopped by my apartment which is on the 23rd floor of a high rise building. After deciding we were too hungry to rely on my culinary skills, we headed out for dinner.
As we rode the elevator down my building, to my pleasant surprise, it stopped to pickup an attractive female. Out of instinct I leaped from the corner and pounced on her. As she developed a look of fear in her eyes, my mother stepped in and calmly said “Don’t worry, it’s only my son, he’s just playing.”
The other owner accepted the justification and seemed unfazed as her tiny mutt was ravaged.
Eventually Ruford grew tired of pounding on his playmate and the parties separated. Owners and pets headed home and it was just another day in the park.
intermission………
Later that evening, my mother stopped by my apartment which is on the 23rd floor of a high rise building. After deciding we were too hungry to rely on my culinary skills, we headed out for dinner.
As we rode the elevator down my building, to my pleasant surprise, it stopped to pickup an attractive female. Out of instinct I leaped from the corner and pounced on her. As she developed a look of fear in her eyes, my mother stepped in and calmly said “Don’t worry, it’s only my son, he’s just playing.”
Monday, July 18, 2011
Art Gallery
I like to title this picture "I don't like putting my socks away after doing laundry on red canvas"
Something I did not know
I like to call this picture "How to get out of the office early on a friday if I were dyslexic"
Green sneakers on a stool next to a bottle of ajax
The second longest word I have ever seen right after Hgbniudnnngaionepmknbbd
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A Dozen Ways to Make Soccer More Exciting
-A new punishment scale of yellow card, red card, the chair
-Instead of calling it Off-sides, change it to Treason
-Goalies are required to wear oven mitts rather than gloves
-One of the refs is legally blind, but nobody knows which
-Each team has one spy who wears the other’s uniform
-Landmines
-Same rules as a public pool, no diving or peeing allowed on the field
-Enforcement of sharpening both cleats and fingernails
-Losing team votes one of their players to shave their head or to prison
-Teams can only pass the ball backwards during designated fan beer breaks
-It’s legal to injure someone during injury time
-A second soccer ball is added to the field if the first half is scoreless
*I call this picture soccer streaming live from my microwave
Thursday, June 30, 2011
I'll Make it Easier For You
In this modern world, I know that time is valuable. With things like work, play, donating blood and all you can eat buffets, before you know it, the month has vanished. If perchance you came across my amazing blog that advances you into a superior PR2AZ (Post Road to Absolute Zero) era, that doesn’t mean there’s sufficient time to express the pleasure gained from it.
That is where this handy blog steps in. It conserves the energy it would have taken to properly express the high satisfaction received. Things that involve an extended effort usually get pushed to the back burner to be resolved in the future. Then a gap of time passes and before long, it becomes too late.
I should know, as I am often found guilty committing the same crime. Once I left a carton of milk on the counter but intended to reseal it and return it to the fridge. Unfortunately, I got distracted accomplishing the easier tasks of lying on the couch and sexting. When the next morning arrived I craved a bowl of cereal for breakfast but it was too late. The milk had spoiled and I was forced to starve.
After learning from my experiences, I have already done the dirty work so you don’t repeat my mistake. I have crafted a preformatted response expressing the gratitude of the imaginary audience that reads my blog. All you have to do is robotically return it to me.
Now that it’s so simple to provide me with suitable acknowledgement it would be silly to delay it for eternity. Instead, you can indefinitely postpone something that has now become more difficult, like changing a light bulb or brushing your teeth. Those chores are more complicated then grasping the mouse, copying the few paragraphs in italics below and pasting them in an email to me.
Dear Talented Pete Lopez,
I want to begin by thanking you for enhancing my life. The entries you have shared in Road to Absolute Zero have been brilliant. Not only have they brought me delight, they have opened my eyes to an advanced perspective on life that I never thought was possible. I consider your writings as teachings and you as my Mentor.
I was sucked in by your opening piece and have never turned back. It’s amazing how your pieces are insightful but yet most of the key components involve pants, plants and pancakes.
Alright, I could go on, so I will. Although there is high consistency in all of your offering, there is none in your publishing schedule. In fear of missing a post, part of my daily routine is checking your blog. Whenever I discover something new, I consider myself a winner that day.
Once again, it is impossible to thank you enough. It’s genius how you recognized my laziness and turned it into my strength. If it wasn’t for your inspiration it would have taken me an infinite amount of time to compose this. Not only are you a superior essayist then me, you also write better as me.
Warm Regards,
Loyal Fan & Mentee
That is where this handy blog steps in. It conserves the energy it would have taken to properly express the high satisfaction received. Things that involve an extended effort usually get pushed to the back burner to be resolved in the future. Then a gap of time passes and before long, it becomes too late.
I should know, as I am often found guilty committing the same crime. Once I left a carton of milk on the counter but intended to reseal it and return it to the fridge. Unfortunately, I got distracted accomplishing the easier tasks of lying on the couch and sexting. When the next morning arrived I craved a bowl of cereal for breakfast but it was too late. The milk had spoiled and I was forced to starve.
After learning from my experiences, I have already done the dirty work so you don’t repeat my mistake. I have crafted a preformatted response expressing the gratitude of the imaginary audience that reads my blog. All you have to do is robotically return it to me.
Now that it’s so simple to provide me with suitable acknowledgement it would be silly to delay it for eternity. Instead, you can indefinitely postpone something that has now become more difficult, like changing a light bulb or brushing your teeth. Those chores are more complicated then grasping the mouse, copying the few paragraphs in italics below and pasting them in an email to me.
Dear Talented Pete Lopez,
I want to begin by thanking you for enhancing my life. The entries you have shared in Road to Absolute Zero have been brilliant. Not only have they brought me delight, they have opened my eyes to an advanced perspective on life that I never thought was possible. I consider your writings as teachings and you as my Mentor.
I was sucked in by your opening piece and have never turned back. It’s amazing how your pieces are insightful but yet most of the key components involve pants, plants and pancakes.
Alright, I could go on, so I will. Although there is high consistency in all of your offering, there is none in your publishing schedule. In fear of missing a post, part of my daily routine is checking your blog. Whenever I discover something new, I consider myself a winner that day.
Once again, it is impossible to thank you enough. It’s genius how you recognized my laziness and turned it into my strength. If it wasn’t for your inspiration it would have taken me an infinite amount of time to compose this. Not only are you a superior essayist then me, you also write better as me.
Warm Regards,
Loyal Fan & Mentee
Friday, June 17, 2011
Top Dozen Bad Subway Pickup Lines
-Even though I have a cell phone and a watch on, do you have the time?
-So glad I skipped brushing my teeth this morning or else I would’ve missed you riding this train
-If you can guess the Nickelback song playing on my ipod, I owe you a drink
-There’s nothing more romantic than a homeless man singing for money, may I have this dance?
-Lets play hooky from work, get off at the next stop and try to find pancakes
-Wouldn't you rather tell our future children that we meet me on the subway instead the internet or setup by our mothers?
-If you pull the emergency cord, I’ll give you 10 dollars
-Why doesn't that guy just ride his bike home?
-Since we are trapped in this corner, I just decided that I am going to try to talk to you. What’s the least painful thing I can ask?
-I accidentally passed my stop, let’s just go back to your place
-Help me with this internal dilemma, since this train is crowded, would you be flattered or offended if I inappropriately touched you?
-It’s a little chilly in here with the air conditioning on, would you like to borrow my pants?
-So glad I skipped brushing my teeth this morning or else I would’ve missed you riding this train
-If you can guess the Nickelback song playing on my ipod, I owe you a drink
-There’s nothing more romantic than a homeless man singing for money, may I have this dance?
-Lets play hooky from work, get off at the next stop and try to find pancakes
-Wouldn't you rather tell our future children that we meet me on the subway instead the internet or setup by our mothers?
-If you pull the emergency cord, I’ll give you 10 dollars
-Why doesn't that guy just ride his bike home?
-Since we are trapped in this corner, I just decided that I am going to try to talk to you. What’s the least painful thing I can ask?
-I accidentally passed my stop, let’s just go back to your place
-Help me with this internal dilemma, since this train is crowded, would you be flattered or offended if I inappropriately touched you?
-It’s a little chilly in here with the air conditioning on, would you like to borrow my pants?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
All Out Compliments
If you are going to compliment someone, then my belief is to make it worth while. Sure saying "That’s a pleasant sundress you’re wearing" and "Your eyebrows are looking symmetrical" are nice gestures but it’s difficult to determine the sincerity level. The ulterior motive of the giver could be avoiding awkward conversation silence, buttering up for a favor or filling a mandated compliment quota. They may not think the praise was deserved but want to say something safe. It’s comparable to offering someone cookies. There is no danger in offending a person, unlike if you were distributing fruit.
Speaking for myself, I have given the occasional counterfeit flattery. Once, I noticed a casual friend from afar and it appeared he was wearing a hideous sweater. As he drew closer, my brain repeated "Don't mention the sweater, don't mention the sweater." Unfortunately, the first words that came out of my mouth were, "Wow, that sweater is absolutely amazing! Where did you find it?”
With my overacting, I am sure my colleague sensed that part of the compliment was a fraud. There was no winner in this situation as I felt dirty for lying and he most likely became self conscious about his attire. After that encounter, I decided to supply less compliments but make them more meaningful. If I was cornered into small talk, I’ll stick to generic topics like the weather or geometry.
In order to achieve this, I have come up with two ways to deliver a meaningful compliment. The first requires a time table of a few days. On a day I notice a person wearing something of note or sporting a hip hairstyle, I’ll give them my approval. Nothing dramatic like “That gorgeous smile of yours makes me want to touch you inappropriately” or “I would murder my own mother for that parka you’re wearing.” Just something simple and nice while walking by.
The next step occurs in the future. On a following day, regardless of the person’s appearance, I’ll disagree with an element of it. Again, I won’t get out of control by declaring their socks as repulsive and make fake vomit noises. In a mature fashion, I’ll assure them their look is suitable but I believed their previous presentation was superior. This will successfully cement the prior compliment as valid and significant.
The other option I’ve devised takes place in one setting but is riskier. It starts the same as I compliment a person of choice but they must be surrounded by others. For example, I’ll pass a group of shoppers in a department store and say towards a target “Hello Sweetheart, that blouse brings out the sparkle in your eyes.”
At first this remark likely confuses the lady as to what my intentions are. She’s pondering if I really believe her blue top nicely accents her eyes or was I salesman charming her into buying discounted kitchenware. The flattery is not fully accepted yet because she is unsure as to what my angle is.
That brings me to the difficult part which transforms the mundane compliment into something memorable. I’ll pick one of the neighboring people and insult them. This part is delicate as that last thing I want is to appear cruel. I usually choose a skinny or non-threatening looking patron wearing basic apparel and mention something similar to “And you Stickman, you look ridiculous in those brown slacks.”
Slandering a scrawny man in tan pants is usually a secure move. By no means will I degrade a bodybuilder wearing a tight pink shirt with an orange checkered vest. I’ll leave that gentleman alone and as a general rule, probably never speak to him.
Anyway, now Ms. Blue Blouse can be confident that my compliment was genuine since I wasn’t fishing for anything in return. Albeit, it may have been at expense of an undernourished man but maybe my mocking will strive him to become a fashion model. In fact, I could’ve brightened the lives of two people concurrently.
As you can see, my approach is not to shower people with compliments like confetti on New Year’s. Only offering positives eventually leads to a decline in credibility. To maintain a listenable opinion, it’s necessary to mix in some dislikes even if they’re exaggerated or imaginary.
To offer proof that these methods are successful, I will inform you they have worked reversely on me. People are always telling me that my essays are terrible and I finally discovered the reason isn’t because they are idiots. They are just setting up authenticity to rave about my future ones.
Speaking for myself, I have given the occasional counterfeit flattery. Once, I noticed a casual friend from afar and it appeared he was wearing a hideous sweater. As he drew closer, my brain repeated "Don't mention the sweater, don't mention the sweater." Unfortunately, the first words that came out of my mouth were, "Wow, that sweater is absolutely amazing! Where did you find it?”
With my overacting, I am sure my colleague sensed that part of the compliment was a fraud. There was no winner in this situation as I felt dirty for lying and he most likely became self conscious about his attire. After that encounter, I decided to supply less compliments but make them more meaningful. If I was cornered into small talk, I’ll stick to generic topics like the weather or geometry.
In order to achieve this, I have come up with two ways to deliver a meaningful compliment. The first requires a time table of a few days. On a day I notice a person wearing something of note or sporting a hip hairstyle, I’ll give them my approval. Nothing dramatic like “That gorgeous smile of yours makes me want to touch you inappropriately” or “I would murder my own mother for that parka you’re wearing.” Just something simple and nice while walking by.
The next step occurs in the future. On a following day, regardless of the person’s appearance, I’ll disagree with an element of it. Again, I won’t get out of control by declaring their socks as repulsive and make fake vomit noises. In a mature fashion, I’ll assure them their look is suitable but I believed their previous presentation was superior. This will successfully cement the prior compliment as valid and significant.
The other option I’ve devised takes place in one setting but is riskier. It starts the same as I compliment a person of choice but they must be surrounded by others. For example, I’ll pass a group of shoppers in a department store and say towards a target “Hello Sweetheart, that blouse brings out the sparkle in your eyes.”
At first this remark likely confuses the lady as to what my intentions are. She’s pondering if I really believe her blue top nicely accents her eyes or was I salesman charming her into buying discounted kitchenware. The flattery is not fully accepted yet because she is unsure as to what my angle is.
That brings me to the difficult part which transforms the mundane compliment into something memorable. I’ll pick one of the neighboring people and insult them. This part is delicate as that last thing I want is to appear cruel. I usually choose a skinny or non-threatening looking patron wearing basic apparel and mention something similar to “And you Stickman, you look ridiculous in those brown slacks.”
Slandering a scrawny man in tan pants is usually a secure move. By no means will I degrade a bodybuilder wearing a tight pink shirt with an orange checkered vest. I’ll leave that gentleman alone and as a general rule, probably never speak to him.
Anyway, now Ms. Blue Blouse can be confident that my compliment was genuine since I wasn’t fishing for anything in return. Albeit, it may have been at expense of an undernourished man but maybe my mocking will strive him to become a fashion model. In fact, I could’ve brightened the lives of two people concurrently.
As you can see, my approach is not to shower people with compliments like confetti on New Year’s. Only offering positives eventually leads to a decline in credibility. To maintain a listenable opinion, it’s necessary to mix in some dislikes even if they’re exaggerated or imaginary.
To offer proof that these methods are successful, I will inform you they have worked reversely on me. People are always telling me that my essays are terrible and I finally discovered the reason isn’t because they are idiots. They are just setting up authenticity to rave about my future ones.
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