Alright, as of yet nobody has “directly” asked me why I named my blog Road to Absolute Zero, but I’m positive everyone is dying to know. Instead of continuing to be a tease, I have decided to spill the beans.
The origin began by combining two of my obsessions. The first being the fabulous Talking Heads song “Road to Nowhere.” Not only is it a catchy tune, it emphasizes how life is not planned and that we’re all…… well that we are on a road to nowhere.
The second element derived from high school Earth Science class. That’s when I began clashing against the properties of the Mother Nature. I insisted having the keen eyesight to spot the bulge at center of the earth and that walking on the northern side of the street provided a bigger chill because it was further from the equator.
The last and one relevant to this story was my fascination about Absolute Zero. Scientists have come close to reaching the theoretical point where motion in molecules ceases to exist but I claimed to have halted their movement in an igloo created in my basement. Of course my argument was ludicrous, so I had to take my boasting to the highest level in order to be convincing.
Let’s now fast forward ahead many moons to when I was an adult. A time when I was a starving freelance nonsense essay writer and my Olympic gymnast girlfriend took an infinite break from me for training purposes. Okay fine, she was an average looking paralegal and we were both laid off at the same dead-end office job. Damn conscious making me feel guilty for fudging minor details. I mean the main part about not working and an eligible bachelor was still established.
Anyway, being unemployed and single had me sensing I reached rock bottom or as I renamed it, absolute zero. I was a jobless loser with a future of dying penniless and alone. There was no possible way that things could get worse.
Well the following week while tossing back a few “books” during a “networking event” at the local “library”, I lost my wallet and heard from a colleague that my ex-girlfriend was now engaged to a man nicknamed Handbone. That’s when I shook my finger in disbelief and thought “Life, you win. I thought it was impossible to sink any lower, but you proved me wrong. I promise to never doubt you again.”
So that is the evolution of The Road to Absolute Zero. It’s about moving forward on the road of life and taking the discouragements in stride. It’s not the end of the world or “Absolute Zero” if something detrimental happens and sulking about it only tempts fate to torture you again.
I won’t say it’s an optimistic “glass is half full” point of view. I am far from positive and those people with an uncanny knack of keeping everything upbeat are annoying. Nobody wants to listen to things like, “Well the grass really needed the rain” or “With the cable out, I had an opportunity to catch up on chores.”
I consider my outlook as “the glass is half empty but there’s plenty of water left to enjoy.” I have accepted that I am going to get knocked down frequently but I have to brush myself off and keep traveling onward. Make my own paradise out of what I have because complaining about my water level only helps to evaporates it further.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Top Bakers Dozen Hurricane Facts*
*Not really facts at all, probably on the side of opinion and me just saying stuff. Also, now in my later blogger stage, I am too lazy to number, but I promise there are 13
-Well I guess it could have been worse, the hurricane could’ve had a gun
-I think that bastard hurricane stole some of my socks, I’m finding all this mismatched pairs now
-Probably wasn’t the right day to hang my clothes out to dry
-During the day on the stoop of my apartment I conducted a Wind Chimes orchestra. It was mostly covers but a few originals
-There is tree shit (leaves) everywhere
-I think I may have out hurricanned the hurricane, was so hungover the day after
-Was walking around town and only saw one tree that was turned over but I think it was ruled a suicide, not from the winds
-I have instituted natural disaster lingo by adding hurricane or emergency in front of everything I do. For example, I just woke from a Hurricane nap and now am having a hurricane sandwich with an emergency beer
-Well if the world ends with this hurricane, the pearly gates of heaven better not have a breathalyzer test because I won’t pass
-Hurricane panic is setting in, I stopped at Duane Reade during my lunch break for supplies and they were sold out of kites and windsocks
-Valentine’s Day is to greeting cards is like a hurricane is to grocery stores, it’s a made up event by the industry to raise sales
-An earthquake, a hurricane on the way and a new Bangles album dropping soon? I am already lacking motivation to get this compliance project done, signs that the end of the world is nearing is not helping
-Is alcohol consumed during a natural disaster a tax writeoff? I am just trying to prepare for next April
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
A Short Puppy Tale
A few weeks ago while strolling through the park I passed a gated area reserved for canines. Inside, one of the larger dogs was jumping all over a smaller one. As I was observing, I overheard their owners chatting. The one with the larger hound explained “Oh, no need to worry, that’s just how Ruford plays.”
The other owner accepted the justification and seemed unfazed as her tiny mutt was ravaged.
Eventually Ruford grew tired of pounding on his playmate and the parties separated. Owners and pets headed home and it was just another day in the park.
intermission………
Later that evening, my mother stopped by my apartment which is on the 23rd floor of a high rise building. After deciding we were too hungry to rely on my culinary skills, we headed out for dinner.
As we rode the elevator down my building, to my pleasant surprise, it stopped to pickup an attractive female. Out of instinct I leaped from the corner and pounced on her. As she developed a look of fear in her eyes, my mother stepped in and calmly said “Don’t worry, it’s only my son, he’s just playing.”
The other owner accepted the justification and seemed unfazed as her tiny mutt was ravaged.
Eventually Ruford grew tired of pounding on his playmate and the parties separated. Owners and pets headed home and it was just another day in the park.
intermission………
Later that evening, my mother stopped by my apartment which is on the 23rd floor of a high rise building. After deciding we were too hungry to rely on my culinary skills, we headed out for dinner.
As we rode the elevator down my building, to my pleasant surprise, it stopped to pickup an attractive female. Out of instinct I leaped from the corner and pounced on her. As she developed a look of fear in her eyes, my mother stepped in and calmly said “Don’t worry, it’s only my son, he’s just playing.”
Monday, July 18, 2011
Art Gallery
I like to title this picture "I don't like putting my socks away after doing laundry on red canvas"
Something I did not know
I like to call this picture "How to get out of the office early on a friday if I were dyslexic"
Green sneakers on a stool next to a bottle of ajax
The second longest word I have ever seen right after Hgbniudnnngaionepmknbbd
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
A Dozen Ways to Make Soccer More Exciting
-A new punishment scale of yellow card, red card, the chair
-Instead of calling it Off-sides, change it to Treason
-Goalies are required to wear oven mitts rather than gloves
-One of the refs is legally blind, but nobody knows which
-Each team has one spy who wears the other’s uniform
-Landmines
-Same rules as a public pool, no diving or peeing allowed on the field
-Enforcement of sharpening both cleats and fingernails
-Losing team votes one of their players to shave their head or to prison
-Teams can only pass the ball backwards during designated fan beer breaks
-It’s legal to injure someone during injury time
-A second soccer ball is added to the field if the first half is scoreless
*I call this picture soccer streaming live from my microwave
Thursday, June 30, 2011
I'll Make it Easier For You
In this modern world, I know that time is valuable. With things like work, play, donating blood and all you can eat buffets, before you know it, the month has vanished. If perchance you came across my amazing blog that advances you into a superior PR2AZ (Post Road to Absolute Zero) era, that doesn’t mean there’s sufficient time to express the pleasure gained from it.
That is where this handy blog steps in. It conserves the energy it would have taken to properly express the high satisfaction received. Things that involve an extended effort usually get pushed to the back burner to be resolved in the future. Then a gap of time passes and before long, it becomes too late.
I should know, as I am often found guilty committing the same crime. Once I left a carton of milk on the counter but intended to reseal it and return it to the fridge. Unfortunately, I got distracted accomplishing the easier tasks of lying on the couch and sexting. When the next morning arrived I craved a bowl of cereal for breakfast but it was too late. The milk had spoiled and I was forced to starve.
After learning from my experiences, I have already done the dirty work so you don’t repeat my mistake. I have crafted a preformatted response expressing the gratitude of the imaginary audience that reads my blog. All you have to do is robotically return it to me.
Now that it’s so simple to provide me with suitable acknowledgement it would be silly to delay it for eternity. Instead, you can indefinitely postpone something that has now become more difficult, like changing a light bulb or brushing your teeth. Those chores are more complicated then grasping the mouse, copying the few paragraphs in italics below and pasting them in an email to me.
Dear Talented Pete Lopez,
I want to begin by thanking you for enhancing my life. The entries you have shared in Road to Absolute Zero have been brilliant. Not only have they brought me delight, they have opened my eyes to an advanced perspective on life that I never thought was possible. I consider your writings as teachings and you as my Mentor.
I was sucked in by your opening piece and have never turned back. It’s amazing how your pieces are insightful but yet most of the key components involve pants, plants and pancakes.
Alright, I could go on, so I will. Although there is high consistency in all of your offering, there is none in your publishing schedule. In fear of missing a post, part of my daily routine is checking your blog. Whenever I discover something new, I consider myself a winner that day.
Once again, it is impossible to thank you enough. It’s genius how you recognized my laziness and turned it into my strength. If it wasn’t for your inspiration it would have taken me an infinite amount of time to compose this. Not only are you a superior essayist then me, you also write better as me.
Warm Regards,
Loyal Fan & Mentee
That is where this handy blog steps in. It conserves the energy it would have taken to properly express the high satisfaction received. Things that involve an extended effort usually get pushed to the back burner to be resolved in the future. Then a gap of time passes and before long, it becomes too late.
I should know, as I am often found guilty committing the same crime. Once I left a carton of milk on the counter but intended to reseal it and return it to the fridge. Unfortunately, I got distracted accomplishing the easier tasks of lying on the couch and sexting. When the next morning arrived I craved a bowl of cereal for breakfast but it was too late. The milk had spoiled and I was forced to starve.
After learning from my experiences, I have already done the dirty work so you don’t repeat my mistake. I have crafted a preformatted response expressing the gratitude of the imaginary audience that reads my blog. All you have to do is robotically return it to me.
Now that it’s so simple to provide me with suitable acknowledgement it would be silly to delay it for eternity. Instead, you can indefinitely postpone something that has now become more difficult, like changing a light bulb or brushing your teeth. Those chores are more complicated then grasping the mouse, copying the few paragraphs in italics below and pasting them in an email to me.
Dear Talented Pete Lopez,
I want to begin by thanking you for enhancing my life. The entries you have shared in Road to Absolute Zero have been brilliant. Not only have they brought me delight, they have opened my eyes to an advanced perspective on life that I never thought was possible. I consider your writings as teachings and you as my Mentor.
I was sucked in by your opening piece and have never turned back. It’s amazing how your pieces are insightful but yet most of the key components involve pants, plants and pancakes.
Alright, I could go on, so I will. Although there is high consistency in all of your offering, there is none in your publishing schedule. In fear of missing a post, part of my daily routine is checking your blog. Whenever I discover something new, I consider myself a winner that day.
Once again, it is impossible to thank you enough. It’s genius how you recognized my laziness and turned it into my strength. If it wasn’t for your inspiration it would have taken me an infinite amount of time to compose this. Not only are you a superior essayist then me, you also write better as me.
Warm Regards,
Loyal Fan & Mentee
Friday, June 17, 2011
Top Dozen Bad Subway Pickup Lines
-Even though I have a cell phone and a watch on, do you have the time?
-So glad I skipped brushing my teeth this morning or else I would’ve missed you riding this train
-If you can guess the Nickelback song playing on my ipod, I owe you a drink
-There’s nothing more romantic than a homeless man singing for money, may I have this dance?
-Lets play hooky from work, get off at the next stop and try to find pancakes
-Wouldn't you rather tell our future children that we meet me on the subway instead the internet or setup by our mothers?
-If you pull the emergency cord, I’ll give you 10 dollars
-Why doesn't that guy just ride his bike home?
-Since we are trapped in this corner, I just decided that I am going to try to talk to you. What’s the least painful thing I can ask?
-I accidentally passed my stop, let’s just go back to your place
-Help me with this internal dilemma, since this train is crowded, would you be flattered or offended if I inappropriately touched you?
-It’s a little chilly in here with the air conditioning on, would you like to borrow my pants?
-So glad I skipped brushing my teeth this morning or else I would’ve missed you riding this train
-If you can guess the Nickelback song playing on my ipod, I owe you a drink
-There’s nothing more romantic than a homeless man singing for money, may I have this dance?
-Lets play hooky from work, get off at the next stop and try to find pancakes
-Wouldn't you rather tell our future children that we meet me on the subway instead the internet or setup by our mothers?
-If you pull the emergency cord, I’ll give you 10 dollars
-Why doesn't that guy just ride his bike home?
-Since we are trapped in this corner, I just decided that I am going to try to talk to you. What’s the least painful thing I can ask?
-I accidentally passed my stop, let’s just go back to your place
-Help me with this internal dilemma, since this train is crowded, would you be flattered or offended if I inappropriately touched you?
-It’s a little chilly in here with the air conditioning on, would you like to borrow my pants?
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