A Baker’s Dozen Holiday Shorts

My landlord is renting the parking spot out in front of my apartment. I don’t own a car but I was thinking of being proactive and getting it in case someone gets me a Lexus for Christmas

The red sweats were wrinkled on the floor while the green shirt had a gravy stain so they were perfect running clothes as dirty clothes would just get dirtier. Little did I know, I was festively running in the park dressed like Christmas

With Winter starting upon us, call me if you need help “recycling” old Octoberfest or Pumpkin ales to clear refrigerator space for Winter stouts and Christmas ales

My office supply room is holding an incredible Black Friday sale, everything is 100% off! Who wants a stapler or highlighters for Christmas??

Posting "Merry Christmas" on my blog is awesome. I get credit for wishing a happy holiday to millions of my imaginary followers with just the click of a button...... I must rest now

Just remember, if you invested in Candy Cane, Mistletoe or Champagne stocks/bonds, sell, sell, sell! They’re peaking now but will likely plummet in value after the holiday

I may invest the money from the first 8 years instead of getting my nephew a gift. Then with the future lump sum, I’ll buy him a dirt bike for Christmas and become the best uncle ever!

I can’t wait until the holiday season is over, I am so tired of singing Christmas songs in the shower

I drank so much champagne New Years Eve that I was pissing bubbles the next morning

It’s that time of year where I get to try again the New Year’s resolution of drinking no other liquid besides alcohol for an entire year without dying

What’s the opposite of New Year’s Resolutions called? Like something you did that was so awesome this year that’s it’s impossible to improve or were doing so well that you should tone it down because it was embarrassing others. New Years Anti-lution’s?

Sometimes the boss lets us leave a few hours early the day before a holiday weekend. This Christmas I’m hoping for this Friday, we’re let out Wednesday

Maybe I should start my own religion where I just push the same holidays a week later. Now that Christmas is over, the grocery stores and pharmacy are practically giving candy canes, ornaments and garland away

Nobody Posts Blogs on Christmas

Although I would love to be sipping whiskey and penning an amazing memoir, that is not what Christmas is about. It’s time to be around family and cherished ones as you reminisce together about the past. That is why I am off to spend time with loved ones rather then writing something new and invigorating.

Despite my abandoning the blog for the holiday, I do not want to leave an impression as a Grinch and offer nothing on this sacred day. I am going to leave everyone with a “classic” Road to Absolute Zero entry. To set the mood, I have reformatted the font into gentle italics.

Please don’t think of it as a rerun and a copout by me. Instead when you grab your cup of egg nog and are cozy around the fireplace with family members that are dear to you, reread this blog once again and share the fond memories from when it was initially read. In the spirit of holiday blockbuster movies please enjoy again, The 4 Categories of Movie Previews. Have a Merry Christmas


The 4 Categories of Movie Previews
When watching television, it’s common to see advertisements for upcoming movies. The intention is to persuade you to get off the couch and head to the cinema. The producers will resort to any measures necessary to have that accomplished. That includes spoiling the best parts and if they don’t receive positive feedback from real critics, they’ll just quote favorable reviews from random people who saw an advanced screening. A movie studio ranks a films success on how much money it rakes in rather than the number of stars it gets.


With that being the case, I have developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether or not I am going to enjoy the movie. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything contained in it, is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit to the film or if the preview is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Now after some experimenting, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place movies from solely viewing a preview and have explained them below.


Sure Bet - This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, brash violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a Space Mesopotamia and the dignified cast did not come from a reality show. I’ll bet my namesake on the superiority of the film and rally a crowd to join me to at the theater. I am already expecting pats on the back after the viewing for selecting it. I’ll do so much bragging that this flick is going to be awesome that even if it the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending that it was amazing. I have put this movie on too high on a pedestal to ever admit it was anything less than great.


Metro-sexual - This movie can swing either way. The preview showed some moments of potential but also doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but also have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith in the picture I wouldn’t risk my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they would shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in unexpected free time like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers my expectations because it wasn’t my idea or it’s in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s great, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my choice or I am sure it was better than filing audit reports in the supply room.


Ten Seconder - Somewhere in a magazine I read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not me. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory.


Sore Fist - Instead of only being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid and my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project ever got financed and I am certain I could film something superior using a hand puppet or a vacuum as the star character. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch jokes. I’m so incensed, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and wait outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear future consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the plaintiff was encouraging the director to make a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.

Pete’s Out of this World Birthday Extravaganza

I admit that laziness would prevail if I attempted to throw myself an actual birthday celebration but I’m no robot. I have emotions and if you prick me, I shall bleed. I crave for attention but I have accepted my failings at essential hosting tasks like researching gazebo rental times, providing accurate directions to destinations and mopping up from keg stands. Instead, I’m capitalizing on my strengths of nonsense writing and temporary enthusiasm to fabricate an internet spectacular!

Besides this great idea minimizing effort, holding an intangible fiesta allows freedom to invite everyone. Online profiles of family members, business colleagues and people who increase blog count can all mingle together in internet harmony. If you have “concrete” plans December 17th, dwell in a different hemisphere or exist solely in the cyber world, you still can join.

The beauty of this is it being low maintenance all around. I just want invitees to press “attend” so I’m convinced that if I planned a physical party, thousands of guests would show. You get to omit all future party obligations such as worrying I may win the lottery scratch offs you bought me, dancing the electric slide and putting on pants. Its win win as responders get credit for bringing me joy by merely lifting a finger and I safely assume that I’m still popular and handsome.

Alright, let me wrap this up. I believe reading is a chore so it would be hypocritical of me if this got too lengthy. Thank you in advance and I am looking forward to hypothetically drinking a beer with you!

PS I’ve titled the picture “Cake in outer space on office loose leaf notebook canvas”

Another Art Gallery

This is titled "Returning home from running later and impressing friends by downing a bottle of vodka"

"Pete's Weekday Graph of Happiness" on yellow notepad

"I Turkey Sandwiches"

This is titled "Now it's official, Snapple has made it a fact"

This is named "Directions to my Office" on paper towel canvas

Road to Absolute Zero

Alright, as of yet nobody has “directly” asked me why I named my blog Road to Absolute Zero, but I’m positive everyone is dying to know. Instead of continuing to be a tease, I have decided to spill the beans.

The origin began by combining two of my obsessions. The first being the fabulous Talking Heads song “Road to Nowhere.” Not only is it a catchy tune, it emphasizes how life is not planned and that we’re all…… well that we are on a road to nowhere.

The second element derived from high school Earth Science class. That’s when I began clashing against the properties of the Mother Nature. I insisted having the keen eyesight to spot the bulge at center of the earth and that walking on the northern side of the street provided a bigger chill because it was further from the equator.

The last and one relevant to this story was my fascination about Absolute Zero. Scientists have come close to reaching the theoretical point where motion in molecules ceases to exist but I claimed to have halted their movement in an igloo created in my basement. Of course my argument was ludicrous, so I had to take my boasting to the highest level in order to be convincing.

Let’s now fast forward ahead many moons to when I was an adult. A time when I was a starving freelance nonsense essay writer and my Olympic gymnast girlfriend took an infinite break from me for training purposes. Okay fine, she was an average looking paralegal and we were both laid off at the same dead-end office job. Damn conscious making me feel guilty for fudging minor details. I mean the main part about not working and an eligible bachelor was still established.

Anyway, being unemployed and single had me sensing I reached rock bottom or as I renamed it, absolute zero. I was a jobless loser with a future of dying penniless and alone. There was no possible way that things could get worse.

Well the following week while tossing back a few “books” during a “networking event” at the local “library”, I lost my wallet and heard from a colleague that my ex-girlfriend was now engaged to a man nicknamed Handbone. That’s when I shook my finger in disbelief and thought “Life, you win. I thought it was impossible to sink any lower, but you proved me wrong. I promise to never doubt you again.”

So that is the evolution of The Road to Absolute Zero. It’s about moving forward on the road of life and taking the discouragements in stride. It’s not the end of the world or “Absolute Zero” if something detrimental happens and sulking about it only tempts fate to torture you again.

I won’t say it’s an optimistic “glass is half full” point of view. I am far from positive and those people with an uncanny knack of keeping everything upbeat are annoying. Nobody wants to listen to things like, “Well the grass really needed the rain” or “With the cable out, I had an opportunity to catch up on chores.”

I consider my outlook as “the glass is half empty but there’s plenty of water left to enjoy.” I have accepted that I am going to get knocked down frequently but I have to brush myself off and keep traveling onward. Make my own paradise out of what I have because complaining about my water level only helps to evaporates it further.

Top Bakers Dozen Hurricane Facts*

*Not really facts at all, probably on the side of opinion and me just saying stuff. Also, now in my later blogger stage, I am too lazy to number, but I promise there are 13


-Well I guess it could have been worse, the hurricane could’ve had a gun

-I think that bastard hurricane stole some of my socks, I’m finding all this mismatched pairs now

-Probably wasn’t the right day to hang my clothes out to dry

-During the day on the stoop of my apartment I conducted a Wind Chimes orchestra. It was mostly covers but a few originals

-There is tree shit (leaves) everywhere

-I think I may have out hurricanned the hurricane, was so hungover the day after

-Was walking around town and only saw one tree that was turned over but I think it was ruled a suicide, not from the winds

-I have instituted natural disaster lingo by adding hurricane or emergency in front of everything I do. For example, I just woke from a Hurricane nap and now am having a hurricane sandwich with an emergency beer

-Well if the world ends with this hurricane, the pearly gates of heaven better not have a breathalyzer test because I won’t pass

-Hurricane panic is setting in, I stopped at Duane Reade during my lunch break for supplies and they were sold out of kites and windsocks

-Valentine’s Day is to greeting cards is like a hurricane is to grocery stores, it’s a made up event by the industry to raise sales

-An earthquake, a hurricane on the way and a new Bangles album dropping soon? I am already lacking motivation to get this compliance project done, signs that the end of the world is nearing is not helping

-Is alcohol consumed during a natural disaster a tax writeoff? I am just trying to prepare for next April

A Short Puppy Tale

A few weeks ago while strolling through the park I passed a gated area reserved for canines. Inside, one of the larger dogs was jumping all over a smaller one. As I was observing, I overheard their owners chatting. The one with the larger hound explained “Oh, no need to worry, that’s just how Ruford plays.”

The other owner accepted the justification and seemed unfazed as her tiny mutt was ravaged.

Eventually Ruford grew tired of pounding on his playmate and the parties separated. Owners and pets headed home and it was just another day in the park.

intermission………

Later that evening, my mother stopped by my apartment which is on the 23rd floor of a high rise building. After deciding we were too hungry to rely on my culinary skills, we headed out for dinner.

As we rode the elevator down my building, to my pleasant surprise, it stopped to pickup an attractive female. Out of instinct I leaped from the corner and pounced on her. As she developed a look of fear in her eyes, my mother stepped in and calmly said “Don’t worry, it’s only my son, he’s just playing.”