Since my last list of "so I saids" was so successful (in my mind), I thought let me do a list of "so I tolds." They are inferior to the last batch cause I kind of feel announcing who they are intended to diminishes the statement. Anyway, let me close this introduction because it's never an idea to tell an audience that what they are about to read sucks more than the previous. As a final note, any of this list that makes me look irresponsible is highly exaggerated and you are better off thinking the opposite is true
I- so I told my barber, I had no idea there was a big pimple on the back of my neck, I felt nothing when you repeatedly mowed over it with the razor
II- so I told my accountant, I write a blog that has 5 followers, please list my laptop, paper and my author writing robe as tax write offs
III- so I told my ex-girlfriend, when I said I think we should see other people I meant just me, you should still be in remorse
IV- so I told my boyfriend, I am not gay, I just make believe you have a female penis
VI- so I told my mugger, all I have is a hundred, the least you can do is give me some change back
VII- so I told my toaster, for the millionth time, it's not a smart idea for us to shower together
VIII- so I told my class, if anyone has any questions, I am sure they are great ones. Farewell
IX- so I told my bartender, when you're calling me a cab home then you might as well call my boss too cause I ain't making to work tomorrow
X- so I told my dentist, I'd rather be at the dentist then here
XI- so I told my guest, of course the bathroom appears dirty, I haven't cleaned it in months
XII- so I told my roommate, be careful when you get home, I have frozen the hallway and am holding a curling tournament
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Anybody but Me (Part 1 in a possible series)
After many successful/unread pieces available in my repertoire, I am beginning to feel a bit self-centered. The dominant personality discussed in my literature always seems to be me. I am the snobbish critic, the swashbuckling prince, the seductive mistress or whatever else costume I care to dress. I never build up or mention characters such as Steve, Waverly Lane or Lance the Viking. Although I am convinced that my adventures are noteworthy, I fear developing a reputation as an egotistical writer hogging all of the attention.
To prevent the impression of the Earth orbiting around me, from this word forward, I will shed my narcissistic ways and steer away from writing about the nonsense that circles around in my head. Instead I will develop other individuals that engulf integral parts of my work so that there’s less “I” and more “he, she and plants.” Guys wearing caps, females in sundresses and flamboyant foliage will converse about hot topic issues like political campaigns, religious beliefs and the decline in clowns. I mean, earlier today I had an interaction with a notorious Subway sandwich employee sporting a badge with Eric on it. Let me narrate a tale about the epic battle of wits we shared.
From an end of the line position, I deducted that his sporadic facial hair put him at the age of a high school student and that his hair net imprisoned a wild amount of blonde locks. Most of his uniform was shielded by a black baggy cloak which was perfect for concealing a spellbook or orb. As a whole, he gave off an aura of confidence as I observed him handling meat and laying down cheese squares.
Alright, now that I have unraveled enough traits of this evil young man to construct a portrait, let me carry on with how the altercation took place. While I was patiently waiting on line, my mind hosted a tournament between eligible deli meats. As Eric put on a fresh pair of magic (mostly plastic) gloves, he inquired “What would you like Sir?”
His voice awakened me from internal sandwich combat. With a thrilling slay of Turkey, Ham won the trophy and the heart of the king so to the best of my knowledge, I responded “Ham please.”
That is when things started to go awry and Eric the Sorcerer began his mind play. He spun around to make my order but it appeared that the meat that he was spreading on my bread was chicken. In a fit of confusion, my brain started questioning me with “Did I order chicken by mistake? Did he mishear hen rather than ham? Maybe my subconscious secretly prefers poultry?”
It took a few moments, but I regrouped and realized that honey glazed pig meat was what I craved. This was just a fowl ploy by Eric to get me to eat what he commanded. After recognizing his attempt at wizardry, I chuckled about how he was no match against my superior willpower. I began reminiscing about how once a colleague tried to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge. I mean sure, he was offering it at quite a discount, but c’mon, I have no space for a bridge in my apartment.
In the meantime, Eric had shifted to the toppings section and was eager to proceed. That is why I was caught off guard when he questioned “Would you like lettuce on your chicken sandwich?”
Acting on instinct alone, I replied “Yes.” Shortly after my induced trance faded, I realized that evil was victorious. I had agreed to a vegetable on a sandwich I did not desire. As the shredded lettuce fell like confetti onto my sub, it symbolized a checkmate.
“You have won this fight Eric the Sorcerer” I mumbled in disgust as I turned around shaking my fist in anger. “I will choke down this chicken sandwich, but please be well aware, this war is far from over.”
To prevent the impression of the Earth orbiting around me, from this word forward, I will shed my narcissistic ways and steer away from writing about the nonsense that circles around in my head. Instead I will develop other individuals that engulf integral parts of my work so that there’s less “I” and more “he, she and plants.” Guys wearing caps, females in sundresses and flamboyant foliage will converse about hot topic issues like political campaigns, religious beliefs and the decline in clowns. I mean, earlier today I had an interaction with a notorious Subway sandwich employee sporting a badge with Eric on it. Let me narrate a tale about the epic battle of wits we shared.
From an end of the line position, I deducted that his sporadic facial hair put him at the age of a high school student and that his hair net imprisoned a wild amount of blonde locks. Most of his uniform was shielded by a black baggy cloak which was perfect for concealing a spellbook or orb. As a whole, he gave off an aura of confidence as I observed him handling meat and laying down cheese squares.
Alright, now that I have unraveled enough traits of this evil young man to construct a portrait, let me carry on with how the altercation took place. While I was patiently waiting on line, my mind hosted a tournament between eligible deli meats. As Eric put on a fresh pair of magic (mostly plastic) gloves, he inquired “What would you like Sir?”
His voice awakened me from internal sandwich combat. With a thrilling slay of Turkey, Ham won the trophy and the heart of the king so to the best of my knowledge, I responded “Ham please.”
That is when things started to go awry and Eric the Sorcerer began his mind play. He spun around to make my order but it appeared that the meat that he was spreading on my bread was chicken. In a fit of confusion, my brain started questioning me with “Did I order chicken by mistake? Did he mishear hen rather than ham? Maybe my subconscious secretly prefers poultry?”
It took a few moments, but I regrouped and realized that honey glazed pig meat was what I craved. This was just a fowl ploy by Eric to get me to eat what he commanded. After recognizing his attempt at wizardry, I chuckled about how he was no match against my superior willpower. I began reminiscing about how once a colleague tried to sell me the Brooklyn Bridge. I mean sure, he was offering it at quite a discount, but c’mon, I have no space for a bridge in my apartment.
In the meantime, Eric had shifted to the toppings section and was eager to proceed. That is why I was caught off guard when he questioned “Would you like lettuce on your chicken sandwich?”
Acting on instinct alone, I replied “Yes.” Shortly after my induced trance faded, I realized that evil was victorious. I had agreed to a vegetable on a sandwich I did not desire. As the shredded lettuce fell like confetti onto my sub, it symbolized a checkmate.
“You have won this fight Eric the Sorcerer” I mumbled in disgust as I turned around shaking my fist in anger. “I will choke down this chicken sandwich, but please be well aware, this war is far from over.”
Friday, November 5, 2010
Top dozen "So I Saids"
One of my favorite lines is "so I said let's get out of these wet clothes and slip into a dry martini" I really wish I could claim that I was the one who invented it. In lieu of that, I decided to just create my own following the template of starting a sentence in mid conversation and finishing it. Hopefully one day in the future I will be at the supermarket or park and overhear someone using one of the below.
I- so I said, I had no idea that English was your second language, I just assumed you were retarded
II- so I said, I'll give you 5 bucks if you walk into that guys camouflage backpack and say "sorry man, I didn't see that there"
III- so I said, no thank you Ma'am, a bag is unnecessary. I am just going to drink the beer here in the store
IV- so I said, alright Sir it would be criminal for me to give anyone fashion advice, but if you need to tug your pants up every sidewalk panel, perhaps you should reconsider
V- so I said, I am sorry officer I don't understand the meaning of this ticket. I'm parked fine, it's clearly obvious that the lines were painted crooked
VI- so I said, yeah I know I have never played Parcheesi before but you can't stop me from saying I am undefeated
VII- so I said, I wouldn't say I am having a "bad hair day" it's more of a case of my hair having a "nice personality" today
VIII- so I said, I am very impressed by your proposal and is exactly what I was looking for but the other candidate made a pie graph, so I am going with him
IX- so I said, cheat is such an ugly word, let's just say I was reminding myself how great of a girlfriend you are
X- so I said, if I would have called to warn you I was running late, I would have then relaxed and arrived even later. I respect you too much for that
XI- so I said, turn onto the highway, drive for about 2 songs and then the exit should be on your left
XII- so I said, sure you can count your chickens before they hatch, just don't do it accurately, make it's more of an estimate
I- so I said, I had no idea that English was your second language, I just assumed you were retarded
II- so I said, I'll give you 5 bucks if you walk into that guys camouflage backpack and say "sorry man, I didn't see that there"
III- so I said, no thank you Ma'am, a bag is unnecessary. I am just going to drink the beer here in the store
IV- so I said, alright Sir it would be criminal for me to give anyone fashion advice, but if you need to tug your pants up every sidewalk panel, perhaps you should reconsider
V- so I said, I am sorry officer I don't understand the meaning of this ticket. I'm parked fine, it's clearly obvious that the lines were painted crooked
VI- so I said, yeah I know I have never played Parcheesi before but you can't stop me from saying I am undefeated
VII- so I said, I wouldn't say I am having a "bad hair day" it's more of a case of my hair having a "nice personality" today
VIII- so I said, I am very impressed by your proposal and is exactly what I was looking for but the other candidate made a pie graph, so I am going with him
IX- so I said, cheat is such an ugly word, let's just say I was reminding myself how great of a girlfriend you are
X- so I said, if I would have called to warn you I was running late, I would have then relaxed and arrived even later. I respect you too much for that
XI- so I said, turn onto the highway, drive for about 2 songs and then the exit should be on your left
XII- so I said, sure you can count your chickens before they hatch, just don't do it accurately, make it's more of an estimate
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