A Baker’s Dozen Holiday Shorts

My landlord is renting the parking spot out in front of my apartment. I don’t own a car but I was thinking of being proactive and getting it in case someone gets me a Lexus for Christmas

The red sweats were wrinkled on the floor while the green shirt had a gravy stain so they were perfect running clothes as dirty clothes would just get dirtier. Little did I know, I was festively running in the park dressed like Christmas

With Winter starting upon us, call me if you need help “recycling” old Octoberfest or Pumpkin ales to clear refrigerator space for Winter stouts and Christmas ales

My office supply room is holding an incredible Black Friday sale, everything is 100% off! Who wants a stapler or highlighters for Christmas??

Posting "Merry Christmas" on my blog is awesome. I get credit for wishing a happy holiday to millions of my imaginary followers with just the click of a button...... I must rest now

Just remember, if you invested in Candy Cane, Mistletoe or Champagne stocks/bonds, sell, sell, sell! They’re peaking now but will likely plummet in value after the holiday

I may invest the money from the first 8 years instead of getting my nephew a gift. Then with the future lump sum, I’ll buy him a dirt bike for Christmas and become the best uncle ever!

I can’t wait until the holiday season is over, I am so tired of singing Christmas songs in the shower

I drank so much champagne New Years Eve that I was pissing bubbles the next morning

It’s that time of year where I get to try again the New Year’s resolution of drinking no other liquid besides alcohol for an entire year without dying

What’s the opposite of New Year’s Resolutions called? Like something you did that was so awesome this year that’s it’s impossible to improve or were doing so well that you should tone it down because it was embarrassing others. New Years Anti-lution’s?

Sometimes the boss lets us leave a few hours early the day before a holiday weekend. This Christmas I’m hoping for this Friday, we’re let out Wednesday

Maybe I should start my own religion where I just push the same holidays a week later. Now that Christmas is over, the grocery stores and pharmacy are practically giving candy canes, ornaments and garland away

Nobody Posts Blogs on Christmas

Although I would love to be sipping whiskey and penning an amazing memoir, that is not what Christmas is about. It’s time to be around family and cherished ones as you reminisce together about the past. That is why I am off to spend time with loved ones rather then writing something new and invigorating.

Despite my abandoning the blog for the holiday, I do not want to leave an impression as a Grinch and offer nothing on this sacred day. I am going to leave everyone with a “classic” Road to Absolute Zero entry. To set the mood, I have reformatted the font into gentle italics.

Please don’t think of it as a rerun and a copout by me. Instead when you grab your cup of egg nog and are cozy around the fireplace with family members that are dear to you, reread this blog once again and share the fond memories from when it was initially read. In the spirit of holiday blockbuster movies please enjoy again, The 4 Categories of Movie Previews. Have a Merry Christmas


The 4 Categories of Movie Previews
When watching television, it’s common to see advertisements for upcoming movies. The intention is to persuade you to get off the couch and head to the cinema. The producers will resort to any measures necessary to have that accomplished. That includes spoiling the best parts and if they don’t receive positive feedback from real critics, they’ll just quote favorable reviews from random people who saw an advanced screening. A movie studio ranks a films success on how much money it rakes in rather than the number of stars it gets.


With that being the case, I have developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether or not I am going to enjoy the movie. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything contained in it, is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit to the film or if the preview is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Now after some experimenting, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place movies from solely viewing a preview and have explained them below.


Sure Bet - This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, brash violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a Space Mesopotamia and the dignified cast did not come from a reality show. I’ll bet my namesake on the superiority of the film and rally a crowd to join me to at the theater. I am already expecting pats on the back after the viewing for selecting it. I’ll do so much bragging that this flick is going to be awesome that even if it the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending that it was amazing. I have put this movie on too high on a pedestal to ever admit it was anything less than great.


Metro-sexual - This movie can swing either way. The preview showed some moments of potential but also doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but also have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith in the picture I wouldn’t risk my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they would shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in unexpected free time like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers my expectations because it wasn’t my idea or it’s in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s great, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my choice or I am sure it was better than filing audit reports in the supply room.


Ten Seconder - Somewhere in a magazine I read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not me. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory.


Sore Fist - Instead of only being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid and my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project ever got financed and I am certain I could film something superior using a hand puppet or a vacuum as the star character. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch jokes. I’m so incensed, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and wait outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear future consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the plaintiff was encouraging the director to make a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.

Pete’s Out of this World Birthday Extravaganza

I admit that laziness would prevail if I attempted to throw myself an actual birthday celebration but I’m no robot. I have emotions and if you prick me, I shall bleed. I crave for attention but I have accepted my failings at essential hosting tasks like researching gazebo rental times, providing accurate directions to destinations and mopping up from keg stands. Instead, I’m capitalizing on my strengths of nonsense writing and temporary enthusiasm to fabricate an internet spectacular!

Besides this great idea minimizing effort, holding an intangible fiesta allows freedom to invite everyone. Online profiles of family members, business colleagues and people who increase blog count can all mingle together in internet harmony. If you have “concrete” plans December 17th, dwell in a different hemisphere or exist solely in the cyber world, you still can join.

The beauty of this is it being low maintenance all around. I just want invitees to press “attend” so I’m convinced that if I planned a physical party, thousands of guests would show. You get to omit all future party obligations such as worrying I may win the lottery scratch offs you bought me, dancing the electric slide and putting on pants. Its win win as responders get credit for bringing me joy by merely lifting a finger and I safely assume that I’m still popular and handsome.

Alright, let me wrap this up. I believe reading is a chore so it would be hypocritical of me if this got too lengthy. Thank you in advance and I am looking forward to hypothetically drinking a beer with you!

PS I’ve titled the picture “Cake in outer space on office loose leaf notebook canvas”

Another Art Gallery

This is titled "Returning home from running later and impressing friends by downing a bottle of vodka"

"Pete's Weekday Graph of Happiness" on yellow notepad

"I Turkey Sandwiches"

This is titled "Now it's official, Snapple has made it a fact"

This is named "Directions to my Office" on paper towel canvas

Road to Absolute Zero

Alright, as of yet nobody has “directly” asked me why I named my blog Road to Absolute Zero, but I’m positive everyone is dying to know. Instead of continuing to be a tease, I have decided to spill the beans.

The origin began by combining two of my obsessions. The first being the fabulous Talking Heads song “Road to Nowhere.” Not only is it a catchy tune, it emphasizes how life is not planned and that we’re all…… well that we are on a road to nowhere.

The second element derived from high school Earth Science class. That’s when I began clashing against the properties of the Mother Nature. I insisted having the keen eyesight to spot the bulge at center of the earth and that walking on the northern side of the street provided a bigger chill because it was further from the equator.

The last and one relevant to this story was my fascination about Absolute Zero. Scientists have come close to reaching the theoretical point where motion in molecules ceases to exist but I claimed to have halted their movement in an igloo created in my basement. Of course my argument was ludicrous, so I had to take my boasting to the highest level in order to be convincing.

Let’s now fast forward ahead many moons to when I was an adult. A time when I was a starving freelance nonsense essay writer and my Olympic gymnast girlfriend took an infinite break from me for training purposes. Okay fine, she was an average looking paralegal and we were both laid off at the same dead-end office job. Damn conscious making me feel guilty for fudging minor details. I mean the main part about not working and an eligible bachelor was still established.

Anyway, being unemployed and single had me sensing I reached rock bottom or as I renamed it, absolute zero. I was a jobless loser with a future of dying penniless and alone. There was no possible way that things could get worse.

Well the following week while tossing back a few “books” during a “networking event” at the local “library”, I lost my wallet and heard from a colleague that my ex-girlfriend was now engaged to a man nicknamed Handbone. That’s when I shook my finger in disbelief and thought “Life, you win. I thought it was impossible to sink any lower, but you proved me wrong. I promise to never doubt you again.”

So that is the evolution of The Road to Absolute Zero. It’s about moving forward on the road of life and taking the discouragements in stride. It’s not the end of the world or “Absolute Zero” if something detrimental happens and sulking about it only tempts fate to torture you again.

I won’t say it’s an optimistic “glass is half full” point of view. I am far from positive and those people with an uncanny knack of keeping everything upbeat are annoying. Nobody wants to listen to things like, “Well the grass really needed the rain” or “With the cable out, I had an opportunity to catch up on chores.”

I consider my outlook as “the glass is half empty but there’s plenty of water left to enjoy.” I have accepted that I am going to get knocked down frequently but I have to brush myself off and keep traveling onward. Make my own paradise out of what I have because complaining about my water level only helps to evaporates it further.

Top Bakers Dozen Hurricane Facts*

*Not really facts at all, probably on the side of opinion and me just saying stuff. Also, now in my later blogger stage, I am too lazy to number, but I promise there are 13


-Well I guess it could have been worse, the hurricane could’ve had a gun

-I think that bastard hurricane stole some of my socks, I’m finding all this mismatched pairs now

-Probably wasn’t the right day to hang my clothes out to dry

-During the day on the stoop of my apartment I conducted a Wind Chimes orchestra. It was mostly covers but a few originals

-There is tree shit (leaves) everywhere

-I think I may have out hurricanned the hurricane, was so hungover the day after

-Was walking around town and only saw one tree that was turned over but I think it was ruled a suicide, not from the winds

-I have instituted natural disaster lingo by adding hurricane or emergency in front of everything I do. For example, I just woke from a Hurricane nap and now am having a hurricane sandwich with an emergency beer

-Well if the world ends with this hurricane, the pearly gates of heaven better not have a breathalyzer test because I won’t pass

-Hurricane panic is setting in, I stopped at Duane Reade during my lunch break for supplies and they were sold out of kites and windsocks

-Valentine’s Day is to greeting cards is like a hurricane is to grocery stores, it’s a made up event by the industry to raise sales

-An earthquake, a hurricane on the way and a new Bangles album dropping soon? I am already lacking motivation to get this compliance project done, signs that the end of the world is nearing is not helping

-Is alcohol consumed during a natural disaster a tax writeoff? I am just trying to prepare for next April

A Short Puppy Tale

A few weeks ago while strolling through the park I passed a gated area reserved for canines. Inside, one of the larger dogs was jumping all over a smaller one. As I was observing, I overheard their owners chatting. The one with the larger hound explained “Oh, no need to worry, that’s just how Ruford plays.”

The other owner accepted the justification and seemed unfazed as her tiny mutt was ravaged.

Eventually Ruford grew tired of pounding on his playmate and the parties separated. Owners and pets headed home and it was just another day in the park.

intermission………

Later that evening, my mother stopped by my apartment which is on the 23rd floor of a high rise building. After deciding we were too hungry to rely on my culinary skills, we headed out for dinner.

As we rode the elevator down my building, to my pleasant surprise, it stopped to pickup an attractive female. Out of instinct I leaped from the corner and pounced on her. As she developed a look of fear in her eyes, my mother stepped in and calmly said “Don’t worry, it’s only my son, he’s just playing.”

Art Gallery

I like to title this picture "I don't like putting my socks away after doing laundry on red canvas"

Something I did not know

I like to call this picture "How to get out of the office early on a friday if I were dyslexic"

Green sneakers on a stool next to a bottle of ajax

The second longest word I have ever seen right after Hgbniudnnngaionepmknbbd

A Dozen Ways to Make Soccer More Exciting

-A new punishment scale of yellow card, red card, the chair

-Instead of calling it Off-sides, change it to Treason

-Goalies are required to wear oven mitts rather than gloves

-One of the refs is legally blind, but nobody knows which

-Each team has one spy who wears the other’s uniform

-Landmines

-Same rules as a public pool, no diving or peeing allowed on the field

-Enforcement of sharpening both cleats and fingernails

-Losing team votes one of their players to shave their head or to prison

-Teams can only pass the ball backwards during designated fan beer breaks

-It’s legal to injure someone during injury time

-A second soccer ball is added to the field if the first half is scoreless



*I call this picture soccer streaming live from my microwave

I'll Make it Easier For You

In this modern world, I know that time is valuable. With things like work, play, donating blood and all you can eat buffets, before you know it, the month has vanished. If perchance you came across my amazing blog that advances you into a superior PR2AZ (Post Road to Absolute Zero) era, that doesn’t mean there’s sufficient time to express the pleasure gained from it.

That is where this handy blog steps in. It conserves the energy it would have taken to properly express the high satisfaction received. Things that involve an extended effort usually get pushed to the back burner to be resolved in the future. Then a gap of time passes and before long, it becomes too late.

I should know, as I am often found guilty committing the same crime. Once I left a carton of milk on the counter but intended to reseal it and return it to the fridge. Unfortunately, I got distracted accomplishing the easier tasks of lying on the couch and sexting. When the next morning arrived I craved a bowl of cereal for breakfast but it was too late. The milk had spoiled and I was forced to starve.

After learning from my experiences, I have already done the dirty work so you don’t repeat my mistake. I have crafted a preformatted response expressing the gratitude of the imaginary audience that reads my blog. All you have to do is robotically return it to me.

Now that it’s so simple to provide me with suitable acknowledgement it would be silly to delay it for eternity. Instead, you can indefinitely postpone something that has now become more difficult, like changing a light bulb or brushing your teeth. Those chores are more complicated then grasping the mouse, copying the few paragraphs in italics below and pasting them in an email to me.


Dear Talented Pete Lopez,

I want to begin by thanking you for enhancing my life. The entries you have shared in Road to Absolute Zero have been brilliant. Not only have they brought me delight, they have opened my eyes to an advanced perspective on life that I never thought was possible. I consider your writings as teachings and you as my Mentor.

I was sucked in by your opening piece and have never turned back. It’s amazing how your pieces are insightful but yet most of the key components involve pants, plants and pancakes.

Alright, I could go on, so I will. Although there is high consistency in all of your offering, there is none in your publishing schedule. In fear of missing a post, part of my daily routine is checking your blog. Whenever I discover something new, I consider myself a winner that day.

Once again, it is impossible to thank you enough. It’s genius how you recognized my laziness and turned it into my strength. If it wasn’t for your inspiration it would have taken me an infinite amount of time to compose this. Not only are you a superior essayist then me, you also write better as me.

Warm Regards,
Loyal Fan & Mentee

Top Dozen Bad Subway Pickup Lines

-Even though I have a cell phone and a watch on, do you have the time?

-So glad I skipped brushing my teeth this morning or else I would’ve missed you riding this train

-If you can guess the Nickelback song playing on my ipod, I owe you a drink

-There’s nothing more romantic than a homeless man singing for money, may I have this dance?

-Lets play hooky from work, get off at the next stop and try to find pancakes

-Wouldn't you rather tell our future children that we meet me on the subway instead the internet or setup by our mothers?

-If you pull the emergency cord, I’ll give you 10 dollars

-Why doesn't that guy just ride his bike home?

-Since we are trapped in this corner, I just decided that I am going to try to talk to you. What’s the least painful thing I can ask?

-I accidentally passed my stop, let’s just go back to your place

-Help me with this internal dilemma, since this train is crowded, would you be flattered or offended if I inappropriately touched you?

-It’s a little chilly in here with the air conditioning on, would you like to borrow my pants?

All Out Compliments

If you are going to compliment someone, then my belief is to make it worth while. Sure saying "That’s a pleasant sundress you’re wearing" and "Your eyebrows are looking symmetrical" are nice gestures but it’s difficult to determine the sincerity level. The ulterior motive of the giver could be avoiding awkward conversation silence, buttering up for a favor or filling a mandated compliment quota. They may not think the praise was deserved but want to say something safe. It’s comparable to offering someone cookies. There is no danger in offending a person, unlike if you were distributing fruit.

Speaking for myself, I have given the occasional counterfeit flattery. Once, I noticed a casual friend from afar and it appeared he was wearing a hideous sweater. As he drew closer, my brain repeated "Don't mention the sweater, don't mention the sweater." Unfortunately, the first words that came out of my mouth were, "Wow, that sweater is absolutely amazing! Where did you find it?”

With my overacting, I am sure my colleague sensed that part of the compliment was a fraud. There was no winner in this situation as I felt dirty for lying and he most likely became self conscious about his attire. After that encounter, I decided to supply less compliments but make them more meaningful. If I was cornered into small talk, I’ll stick to generic topics like the weather or geometry.

In order to achieve this, I have come up with two ways to deliver a meaningful compliment. The first requires a time table of a few days. On a day I notice a person wearing something of note or sporting a hip hairstyle, I’ll give them my approval. Nothing dramatic like “That gorgeous smile of yours makes me want to touch you inappropriately” or “I would murder my own mother for that parka you’re wearing.” Just something simple and nice while walking by.

The next step occurs in the future. On a following day, regardless of the person’s appearance, I’ll disagree with an element of it. Again, I won’t get out of control by declaring their socks as repulsive and make fake vomit noises. In a mature fashion, I’ll assure them their look is suitable but I believed their previous presentation was superior. This will successfully cement the prior compliment as valid and significant.

The other option I’ve devised takes place in one setting but is riskier. It starts the same as I compliment a person of choice but they must be surrounded by others. For example, I’ll pass a group of shoppers in a department store and say towards a target “Hello Sweetheart, that blouse brings out the sparkle in your eyes.”

At first this remark likely confuses the lady as to what my intentions are. She’s pondering if I really believe her blue top nicely accents her eyes or was I salesman charming her into buying discounted kitchenware. The flattery is not fully accepted yet because she is unsure as to what my angle is.

That brings me to the difficult part which transforms the mundane compliment into something memorable. I’ll pick one of the neighboring people and insult them. This part is delicate as that last thing I want is to appear cruel. I usually choose a skinny or non-threatening looking patron wearing basic apparel and mention something similar to “And you Stickman, you look ridiculous in those brown slacks.”

Slandering a scrawny man in tan pants is usually a secure move. By no means will I degrade a bodybuilder wearing a tight pink shirt with an orange checkered vest. I’ll leave that gentleman alone and as a general rule, probably never speak to him.

Anyway, now Ms. Blue Blouse can be confident that my compliment was genuine since I wasn’t fishing for anything in return. Albeit, it may have been at expense of an undernourished man but maybe my mocking will strive him to become a fashion model. In fact, I could’ve brightened the lives of two people concurrently.

As you can see, my approach is not to shower people with compliments like confetti on New Year’s. Only offering positives eventually leads to a decline in credibility. To maintain a listenable opinion, it’s necessary to mix in some dislikes even if they’re exaggerated or imaginary.

To offer proof that these methods are successful, I will inform you they have worked reversely on me. People are always telling me that my essays are terrible and I finally discovered the reason isn’t because they are idiots. They are just setting up authenticity to rave about my future ones.

A Sentence to Make Mom Proud

With Mother’s day just passing and my recent obsession to write for Hallmark, I have created my first greeting card. My guess is that you will see this in card stores by next year


Moments after taking my multi nutrient vitamin with a glass of skim milk from a carton that had weeks before expiration because I know to purchase ones from the back of the deli fridge, I was in the bathroom flossing my teeth removing leftover residue from a piece of fruit I’d eaten when I remembered I didn’t resume cleaning under the radiators of my apartment after I took a break to call grandma to see if she got the flowers I sent her, so I rushed out of the lavatory to grab the duster but on the way to the linen closet I spotted my sister at the front door dropping off a thank you note to me for hanging a new spice rack in her kitchen since she believed I wouldn’t be home for a hug because I’m usually at the orphanage reading fairy tales to under privileged children at this hour, however I explained I couldn’t leave because the church was coming by to pick up some clothes I was donating that became loose fitting from the exercise I was doing so I was trapped at home but was going to make the best of the situation by baking the greatest cake ever for my mom, Happy Mothers Day!

Top Dozen Reasons I Shaved My Head

1- In order to swim faster

2- Eliminates tough decisions as to whether to part my hair to the southeast or northwest

3- To prevent my hair from getting tangled in ceiling fans

4- Tired of people worshiping my hair and forgetting my fantastically awesome personality

5- Stops me from negligently using the hair dryer while soaking in the bath tub

6- So I can add barber to my résumé

7- To gain an advantage in cat fights

8- It’s so much easier to get gum out

9- I look ridiculous in hair nets and shower caps

10- Reduces the amount of split ends

11- It validates my campaign of donating shampoo to the homeless

12- To reinvent myself for the spring season

Waitress-Actress/Banker-Author

Let me begin with a tale that was the inspiration for this essay. I was at my local watering hole watching football when I noticed a cute bartender working. Since it was a neighboring place, my presence was there enough to recognize she was fairly new. Out of friendliness laced with an ulterior motive for future free beers, I sparked up a conversation. I introduced myself and questioned “Are you new here?”

In a condensed form, she answered that she’s been serving suds for a few months but due to conflicting auditions for some acting roles, she only accepted a limited number of shifts.

I countered with "Oh, so you are doing some part time acting until your bartending career takes off?"

Alas no amusement was found on her end but naturally I presumed it was being disguised by her fabulous acting skills. The flaw in my premise was it refused to explain why I didn’t receive any beer on the house that evening. I just had to assume that if I stayed a cocktail longer, then that one would have been the one paid for by my charm.

Alright, the above encounter was added after the below part was masterfully constructed. I have no desire to modify the original introduction for this piece to flow. Instead I prefer to announce that it won't which clears me from any responsibility. It's like if there was syrup spilled on a restaurant floor and rather than it being mopped up, a “Warning, Wet Floor” sign was hung. In going forward, please be aware, "Rough Transition Ahead."

The title refers to when you’re at a restaurant and an attractive waitress looks like she is just going through the motions. She is doing a half assed job because of modeling or actress aspirations. Her mind is convinced that this is only temporary and that better things are on the horizon.

I decided that if that gets her through her working day, then the same can be true for me. If I accidentally mail out false documents or my hearts not into giving quality client service, it doesn’t matter because this is only an obligation until I become an essayist. Soon this will all be meaningless and have no impact long term. This gives me a built in excuse to rationalize inferior productivity. I can roam around carefree because in theory I am merely killing time.

This concept actually reminds me of when my dad played lotto when I was growing up. He continually tried for the jackpot but his successes were minimal amounts that were simply rolled into more tickets. As the losing continued, I believed he was throwing money down the drain. Of course I was always cheering for the numbers he picked to match the ones displayed on TV but a child’s patience wears thin.

With my dad’s poor use of the family money, I wanted control forfeited over to me. I am not saying I would have invested it wisely into high yield money markets but it could have been used for baseball cards, candy or whatever other crap I fancied as kid. In my eyes, it was smarter to collect tangible playful substances.

Later as a working adult I realized that striking it rich was only a piece of the lottery puzzle. Occasionally when I feel lucky I will play the numbers of my birthday or dream pant waist size. I’ll also chip into the office pool so I don’t have to fear working solo in an empty office. As I started playing more often, I was able to comprehend what lotto was all about.

Yes the main focus was winning millions, but there's also the hope involved. It can assist me out of bed in the morning or through a rough patch during the day. I'll think, maybe just maybe, this will be my last day in the working world. If perchance I wasn't fortunate in instantly raising to a higher tax bracket, there was always another chance to grasp onto tomorrow.

With my new outlook on life, I returned to the local bar to apologize for being a dream crusher. To my dismay, I found out the bartender/actress had resigned from her beer dispensing occupation. Since she left on short notice, she left behind a note for me to read as follows:

Dearest Pete,

It pains me to stop supplying you with alcohol, but my dream has finally come true. After years and years of trying, my father won the lottery and I will become princess in his glorious beach side castle. I have great happiness in my heart and I hope you someday find yours. As my debt to you has been weighing on my conscious, please use this letter as a token for a free beer you were owed due to your charisma.

Yours Truly,
Nameless Bartender


Fine, she did quit serving at the tavern but the above mentioned note was never received and its existence must be debated. You are free to draw your own conclusion or accept the poetic symmetry of mine. Nonetheless, this essay is over as I have plenty of filing to due at my temporary banking job.

The Problem with Lying

The trouble that comes to mind after reading the title is probably a morality principle. Lying is evil and a gateway sin to a life of murder and treason. Honesty however, is the best policy and escorts you to the gates of heaven. Truthfulness is the fabric that holds society together but discussing that any further is about as exciting as a head of lettuce. Instead, I prefer to preach my thoughts on the pros and cons of lying.

I believe there are many benefits of fibbing that are often overlooked. One is to be a hero and rescue an individual from shear humiliation. We all have a friend or coworker that has a great heart, but is annoying to be around. If this person invites you to the opera or a box social, the immediate thought is how to escape without hurting their feelings. Well that is when super lie saves the day. A simple, “Oh, I have baseball tickets that evening” or “Damn, I have open heart surgery that afternoon.”

Now the problem was averted and everyone is still smiling. There is a small chance that the victim will research to find that the baseball team was off that evening or request to see your surgical scar but taking the coward way out is well worth the risk. If it backfires and you never regain speaking terms, it wasn’t really that much of loss. That person was irritating anyway.

Another advantage of an untruth is keeping self-esteem. There are plenty of times when you’re caught chatting with a casual acquaintance and it’s better to salvage dignity as an alternative to spilling the pathetic facts. Let’s say hypothetically I took a two week vacation but nothing significant ensued. Replacing passports, souvenirs and tan lines were the more lackluster refrigerator cleaning*, daylight naps and cable TV movies. Things that aren’t noteworthy and seem like they were a senseless waste time off.

Eventually my meaningless vacation ended and I headed back into the pants and outside world. For my first lunch break, I returned to the local deli nearby my office. As a result of my frequent visits, I became familiar with the staff and we often engaged in small talk. It never escalated to discussing politics or infected rashes but simple stuff like the weather and hating Mondays.

After my elongated absence the staff inquired of my whereabouts. This is when White Knight Lie bailed me from conversing about my uneventful time away. I randomly replied “I was in Carolina visiting some family.”

In actuality, I did not travel there nor do I have any family residing in either Carolina but it did give the illusion that my vacation was well spent. I was praised for being a family man and avoided being teased for my solitary confinement.

Upon exiting with my lunch, I did realize a hole my lie was prone to. Any of the employees could have been raised or familiar with the state. If one proceeded to make a deeper inquiry then my response would have likely been a blank stare. Alas that did not happen and I was safe not knowing that South Carolina’s state bird was the wren. Although I did get lucky, I would have taken the risk regardless because I’m sure the chef would have put less care into preparing my sandwich if he thought I was a hermit.

Well I could carry on with more examples such as “Baby, you don’t look fat in those pants” or “No, this chicken tastes nothing like rubber” but enough viable cases of admirable lying have been shared. In fairness, before concluding I should discuss a drawback I learned from dwelling in false land. It’s not from feeling dirty inside and the lies were eating away at my soul. It’s that if I consistently spit out untruths then I begin doubting the legitimacy of what others say to me. If I’m lying, then I start assuming everyone is lying to me.

My skeptical mind questions every generic offering that others tell me such as “Did so and so really grow these tomatoes in their garden or are they lying and they’re from the market?” The constant untrusting of humanity is disturbing so for selfish reasons I keep lying to a minimum.

To accomplish this, I have instituted a clause that each white lie possesses a 24 hour window where it can be retracted. It’s a reasonable amount of time for someone who has manipulated the truth to recant without fearing consequences. Withdrawing a lie to a person is difficult and if it’s done within a short frame, it shows there was guilt felt about the incident.

As final tip, the above rule only pertains to lies on a small scale. I am trying to change my bad habit of telling people I enjoyed a roasted hen with applewood bacon for dinner when I really had leftover pizza from the floor. If you cheated on your significant other or used “creative” accounting for a tax refund, it may be in your best interest to keep denying it.

Alright, I must cut this essay short. I am off to donate blood followed by reading fairy tales to unfortunate children at the orphanage. Just do me a favor and be around within the next 24 hours, there may be something I need to tell you…... Farewell and lie safely


* refrigerator cleaning is code for finishing the remaining beers in the fridge

I Think We Should See Other Paragraphs

For situations where the probability of the outcome is likely to be unfavorable I have created a new one step ahead process. Rather than patiently waiting to lose, switch to being the aggressor. This eliminates clutching on to a small hope which painfully disintegrates into disappointment.

Alright, well now is probably a wise spot to give an example of what I’m writing about. Let's say I notice a famous actress at the Laundromat that’s clearly out of my league but think to myself, boy I wish I could “marry her.” She’s also a foot taller, reading poetry and sporting a wedding ring the size of an unpeeled orange. Those things prove inconsequential as my brain peps me up by mentioning,

“You look stunning in heels, poems aren’t your forte but you enjoy the occasional dirty limerick and her ring is only on to repel weirdoes, not someone of your stature. Toss a sock nearby and while fetching it say, wouldn’t it be a great story to tell our future kids that we met doing laundry?”

Well this encounter was doomed for the start and got the snobbish reply “How about I tell my billionaire husband I met a ‘sock-hole’ doing laundry?” Thus I end up heartbroken and watch my clothes spin as I peel an orange in my misery. Now I am depressed over a situation that had a zero percent chance of success.

What I am proposing is to take the initiative and prevent the unwanted result before it occurs. This time after strolling over to regain the sock, I’ll peer into her laundry basket with discontent and say “Listen, I don’t think our clothes are the right match, I am going to start seeing other people.” Now as I am strutting away, my imagination has me believing she is devastated and that I turned down the advances of a celebrity. Our relationship was doomed to end abruptly, but using the latter one allowed it to be on my terms.

This tactic isn’t only applicable in the romance realm. Once I recall bombing on an interview for my dream position as Lord Essayist. At first I latched onto a fragment of hope that the employer could see my winning personality shine through my idiotic words. Maybe I’m overreacting and my response wasn’t that bad when asked to provide an example about excelling on a special project. There has to be some hidden positives in my reply of…

"There was an instance while working late, I had to accomplish this monumental task with a tight deadline and minimal budget, to cover for an incompetent worker, who quit the day prior to join the circus and on his departure spitefully poisoned the files necessary for the assignment. Since the client waiting for the research report was an impatient dictator, I knew time was against me. Fighting through a hangover with shear determination, I was able to cure the damaged documents and save a kitten from falling into the paper shredder. My boss was so impressed that he is still raving how both the company avoided the wrath of a tyrant and can still say it never murdered any cute animals because of me...........alright I give up, none of that happened. I spoke a few generic statements at first hoping to stall time to contrive a pertinent example but obviously I just spiraled into a far fetched tale. I do swear that if this interview was again tomorrow, I would have a well rehearsed answer to that question."

After reevaluating I decided there was no saving the situation. My shot was already botched by arriving late and mumbling nonsense to my possible manager so it was pointless to sulk about it. Instead, it’s smarter to be proactive and mail out a professional rejection memo to the company on official Pete Lopez letterhead.


“Dear Firm Z,

Thank you for taking time out of your precious day to meet with me. Unfortunately I just don't think your corporation is the right fit. I have come to the conclusion that it’s within my best interest to see other employers. I will keep your company’s information on file for at least a year and if some unrealistic scenario comes along where I reconsider employment, I shall contact you. Best of luck in all your corporate adventures and I’m sure you’ll find someone excited to work for you and takes the position seriously.

Warm Regards
Pete Lopez”

To recap everything, I didn’t meet my sugar momma while doing laundry and I’m still writing essays as a peasant, but in my eyes, I was always the winner. My warped vision has the actress pleading that she can change wardrobes and Firm Z is literally holding a wealthy offer incase I ever reassess. Maybe I am right or maybe I am wrong but my beliefs tuck me in and allow me to get a great night sleep. Sweet dreams.

PS famous celebrities probably don't do their own laundry, just roll with it

The 4 Categories of Movie Previews

When watching television, it’s common to see advertisements for upcoming movies. The intention is to persuade you to get off the couch and head to the cinema. The producers will resort to any measures necessary to have that accomplished. That includes spoiling the best parts and if they don’t receive positive feedback from real critics, they’ll just quote favorable reviews from random people who saw an advanced screening. A movie studio ranks a films success on how much money it rakes in rather than the number of stars it gets.


With that being the case, I have developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether or not I am going to enjoy the movie. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything contained in it, is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit to the film or if the preview is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Now after some experimenting, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place movies from solely viewing a preview and have explained them below.


Sure Bet - This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, brash violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a Space Mesopotamia and the dignified cast did not come from a reality show. I’ll bet my namesake on the superiority of the film and rally a crowd to join me to at the theater. I am already expecting pats on the back after the viewing for selecting it. I’ll do so much bragging that this flick is going to be awesome that even if it the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending that it was amazing. I have put this movie on too high on a pedestal to ever admit it was anything less than great.


Metro-sexual - This movie can swing either way. The preview showed some moments of potential but also doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but also have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith in the picture I wouldn’t risk my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they would shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in unexpected free time like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers my expectations because it wasn’t my idea or it’s in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s great, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my choice or I am sure it was better than filing audit reports in the supply room.


Ten Seconder - Somewhere in a magazine I read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not me. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory.


Sore Fist - Instead of only being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid and my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project ever got financed and I am certain I could film something superior using a hand puppet or a vacuum as the star character. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch jokes. I’m so incensed, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and wait outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear future consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the plaintiff was encouraging the director to make a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.

Sorry, You Can’t Read, This Blog is Sold Out

I’m presuming your first thought was, “Nobody can tell me what I can’t read” and then proceeded to read this despite not having permission. No one ever wants to be denied access and that includes opportunities that would be avoided if they were readily available. The mind cannot always process that something you can’t have may also be something you don’t want.

I became aware of this conundrum when I turned down an extra ticket to a concert a colleague offered. The show was too expensive, the original drummer was in rehab or it was on my yoga night. I don’t recall the exact excuse behind refusing but one of those sounds reasonable. Obviously, it wasn’t because I was set to receive a Pulitzer Prize that evening.

Anyway, later on I heard on the radio that the performance had sold out. After discovering that the option of going was no longer in my control, I became devastated. It hit me that I was the number one fan of “Band Theta” and I was adamant on being there.

Unfortunately, the ticket trickled down the pecking order to some female. I tried bribing my friend with free rounds of alcohol to retake me instead and I insisted there was no way she was a bigger fan then I just realized I was and. Alas, my efforts to persuade him proved fruitless because what it really boiled down to was her having nicer legs.

As I sat on my bed concert night in dismay, I reflected upon the experience. Maybe it wasn’t my own desire to see “Band Theta” but it was falsely created in response to being unable to go. Demand for a product can be more essential then the quality of it. Finding out the concert was sold out did not improve the band’s music but for some reason it increased my craving for it.

With that wisdom, I had to find a way to take advantage of this phenomenon. I began pondering about how easily accessible a diner was. Given that it’s available 24 hours, there is never a mad dash to arrive. That leads to casually meandering around and leaving opportunities to wander off course.

Say a person wakes with a passion for waffles at the diner. Since they have infinite time, it’s common to end up getting distracted. They try to squeeze in a load of laundry to clean their favorite green shirt, read new catalogues from the mail while waiting for the dryer and before long they are at the department store shopping for discounted golf clubs.

Although enjoying breakfast at the diner was the original priority, there were no enforced parameters. Now the person has already eaten at the mall food court and has focused their attention on finding a tee time. The waffle plan was placed on the backburner and who knows when it will be spatula-ed off. The sappy diner never plays hard to get and is treated like a floor mat. Over convenience can be a restaurant’s worst enemy.

My proposal is to introduce an eatery that has restricted hours. Maybe not even hours, just minutes. If you don’t have a reservation or show during the allotted time at Pete’s 47 Minutes of Heaven Cafe, then you blew it. That won’t even account for the random days I shut the doors for private parties or to just to sit in the window mocking patrons.

This isn’t an easy rebound restaurant that’s wrapped around your finger. It’s a challenge, so when you arise in the morning, all of your attention is centered on arriving in the limited time frame. I’ll bet that people at my establishment missed board meetings, went with just deodorant instead of showering or recklessly weaved across 3 lanes of traffic to get there.

Now for the customers who are punctual, their adrenaline is pumping. This artificial sense of excitement has their mouth watering for any food. My pedestrian potatoes, mediocre meatloaf and floor wine have transformed into fantastic garlic roasted fritters, tender aged prime rib and table wine. The most difficult customers are ones that are grouchy, but at Pete’s 47 Minutes of Heaven Café everyone is so drunk off a sense of proudness for showing, how the food tastes is meaningless.

Twisting the hours of supply so tightly has demand overflowing in my favor. I have found a way to intertwine two simple things, limited working hours and serving average produce. This foolproof plan is a lazy man’s dream.

Alright, let me calm down because it’s unlikely my restaurant will launch. This entrepreneur considers making cereal, freezing ice and conducting the deli worker through making my sandwich as forms of cooking. Also, I have been oblivious to my lack of capital or have a prospectus worthy enough to get a loan financed.

Besides, I am more of an idea man. Creating a dream world scenario that has a low percentage of success is my strength. Anything towards making the design a reality shifts towards a weakness. If I brainstorm a get rich quick scheme, while putting the plan in motion, I devise ways to make that process easier. It’s a never ending cycle so I am better off on the couch instead of weakening the structure of the absurd idea until it collapses.

The morale of this story still remains. If the girl with the poor personality never returns your call, ballroom dancing class is filled or the limited edition presidential coin offer expired, don’t get upset. If you had them, you would be finding ways to escape or to dispose of them. You should have just listened that this essay was sold out. You could’ve been off doing something rewarding, like a puzzle or taking a nap. I am sure you’d rather pieced together an accomplishment or feel refreshed now.

I Wish This Essay Was Worth a Billion Dollars

My personal stance is that wishing, hoping or sacrificing a live chicken is irrelevant to swaying an outcome in any favor. I am no different than anyone else as I’m prone to praying for things to turn my way but channeling willpower towards a desired result is useless. Back when the NY Giants won the Superbowl, I wished as mightily as my heart could handle for that victory but despite my efforts, the team never recognized my fortitude at the championship parade or awarded me a ring.

In playing devil’s advocate, I have been wrong before on assumptions that I considered a sure bet. I would have gambled my first born on Goliath winning as I heard the tale. I was also certain about a romantic connection with a stripper once, but alas my remarks weren’t as witty as my wallet emptied and she went on to see other people. It goes against my better judgment, but perhaps there is a slim chance that wishing can aid a circumstance to my preference.

Since there’s an ounce of doubt, I’m preparing a backup plan in case the unexpected occurs. Maybe there is some sort of Wish Genie floating around and granting rare wishes. It’s human nature to crave simple pleasures like the grass mowing itself or there’s ice already made in the freezer but I better look at the bigger picture. On the tiniest odds that there is a supernatural force scarcely authorizing wishes, then it’s asinine to waste any on something insignificant.

Could you imagine if I was given one shining moment of fulfillment and I used it for pre-made frozen water? I would have been blessed with anything in the universe and what I fancied was cubes to cool down a glass of lemonade in the middle of winter. Eternal riches were within my grasp but an impulsive urge let them melt away.

Well as of now, all of my wishes will have a permanent effect. I still won’t believe they will be answered, but “genie forbid” I am wrong, they’re not going to be squandered away on a temporary happiness. Say I’m at motor vehicle, rather than hoping for a short wait on line or that all the customers ahead of me to disintegrate, I’ll wish to be the Emperor of France.

That fruition treats my impatience, avoids crumbling innocent bystanders into dust and has me chauffeured around from castle to castle drinking fine wine in the back of a limo. I’ve revamped curing a minor nuisance into living comfortably as a foreign aristocrat. A position as a figurehead of an elite European country solves my current hassle and improves my life for the long term.

So my advice to everyone is, if you are sitting in your office cubicle around 3pm and are desperately wishing for the 5pm whistle, please reassess. That’s skipping a measly two hours and you still have to return tomorrow. What if 3pm was the instant when your one wish was destined to prosper and it was blown on magically teleporting outside the office a couple hours into the future? On your commute the following morning, I guarantee you’ll be biting your lip in frustration that you’re not flying to superhero headquarters or constructing a play fort from an excess of gold bars.

A smart man is always investing into the future. Wishing a bit more would squeeze out of the toothpaste tube before heading to bed is fruitless by dawn. Shoot for the stars or risk settling for the booby prize is my motto. I am fairly certain this essay will not net me a billion dollars but on the microscopic chance this wish is bestowed upon me by a higher being, I’ll be awfully glad this piece wasn’t named “I Wish I Could Trade This Essay for a Ham Sandwich.”

The Top Dozen “So I Think’s”

Alright, well I am probably not fooling anyone anymore as this is just another lame list of unrelated comments tied together because they all start with “so”. I am not going to defend my actions but I will not put them to a halt either. I did have extreme desire to post a romantic tale that concluded with a tearjerker decision where the lead male had to sacrifice the love of his life for the betterment of humanity. To my usual regret, I created emotionless cardboard characters with no chemistry between them so I just had them eaten by sharks.

After abruptly dragging the main couple off to sea for no clear or explained reason midway through the love story, I still had another half to write. That part consisted of me apologizing and offering free gifts and coupons for tolerating this. Since I cannot afford providing gift certificates, Tupperware sets or ski trips as prizes for suffering though my literary work, I scrapped that story and I now proudly-er then that present, the Top Dozen “So I Think’s”



I- so I think, that I am unreliably reliable, I mean I usually show up for all my appointments, just nobody knows when

II- so I think, that I got scammed because I bought a bag of reduced fat chips and think they tasted identical to the regular fat ones, there was just a lesser amount in the bag

III- so I think, that it's great when using “just hope it goes away” approach to problem solving or rashes and it's successful

IV- so I think, that one of my strengths is when people say "Never mind Pete, just forget I asked" or "Don’t worry about it, it’s not your problem" I am great at never minding and not worrying

V- so I think, that I would be a fantastic elevator standup comic in a medium rise building, I have about 7 floors of material before I repeat or get annoying

VI- so I think, that the key to becoming a millionaire is to begin acting like a millionaire and then work your way backwards to find out how you got there

VII- so I like to think, that I am invisible to people who are wearing sunglasses. There is no basis to this theory but it amuses me

VIII- so I think, that I am going to skip his first 7 years since he’ll never remember and then on that 8th Christmas with the money saved, get my nephew a dirt bike, then I'll best uncle ever

IX- so I think, that I subconsciously cross the street safer as the week continues, I’ll be damned if I make all the way to Friday and don't get to enjoy the weekend

X- so I think, that the "I'll show them by killing myself" theory will work great and make the strongest of people feel guilty, but you only get to do it once, what if someone else pisses you off?

XI- so I think, that everyone has one “personal superpower” and mine is the remarkable ability to fall asleep whenever I want. I just need to figure out how that can aid mankind

XII- so I think, that anyone saying the phrase "I am not stupid" is stupid, because non-stupid people normally don't have to defend themselves

The Essay That Kept Me off the Streets and Drugs

While navigating down the freeway of life, there are often times when a fork splits the road traveled. After executing a preference, I believe it is pointless to ponder if the contrasting way was towards the Promised Land. That impairs the opinion of the direction taken and starring in the rearview mirror slows down progress. In light of that, I have contrived a new premise that blindly accepts the option chosen as superior.

Life decisions are not black or white as there’s lots of gray. The outcome is incomparable to a sport or game of Connect 4 where one side is a champion and the other a goat. If I bet the farm on Team A but it gets clobbered by Team Omega, then obviously I made a foolish gamble. As I handover the pretend keys to the ranch and plow, I’ll berate that Team A was a bunch of losers. Their defeat was concrete evidence that the opposite choice was correct.

Back to life, deciphering where the unpicked course was destined is hypothetical. If my path turned out unsatisfactory then I previously believed the contradicting option was better. In actuality, there is a chance it's worse. The unselected road is a variable so my improved analysis is to assume it was more detrimental. It’s senseless to formulate a fairytale ending to only regret not having it. Here’s a novice example.

One afternoon I faced a dilemma about what to have for lunch during work. To simplify, the only meals available were a turkey sandwich and a bowl of spaghetti. A valiant effort was put forth by the heartiness of the pasta but as a simple man, it just seemed logical to have a sandwich for lunch.

Well to my disappointment, the turkey was dry and my lunch was ruined. I wanted to throw the remainder of the sandwich at the wall in anger and I couldn’t stop thinking how delicious a plate of pasta would have been.

Eventually I calmed down and set my new idea in motion. In the grand scheme of things, a lousy sandwich was not the end of the world. Besides, there was no guarantee that the spaghetti would have been an upgrade. It could have tasted just as poorly.

It’s also a rather messy dish. It’s quite conceivable I would have stained my favorite shirt, issued a speeding ticket while rushing home for a vest to hide the blemish, been late to the staff meeting at work, missed the announcement that Roger had a heart attack while being mugged and remarked something like “At least I showed, I bet Roger’s Roger’s probably drunk in an alley.”

That set of events was awful. The turkey sandwich was merely a waste of a few bucks, but the spaghetti would have damaged my favorite shirt, put points on my driver’s license and made me look like an insensitive jerk. After putting that in perspective, I felt thankful for my current state and silly about a tantrum over a meager sandwich.

Alright, now that you have been educated on the procedure, let me step the example up a notch. To protect the identity of the imaginary I will withhold names but let’s say I was simultaneously dating a princess and a scientist. By a cruel twist of fate, my worlds collided when an outbreak of the panda flu spread during the KAB (Kingdom Annual Ball). An emergency team of scientists was alerted to the epidemic and I was caught red handed slow dancing with the princess.

With my polygamous cover blown, it became mandated that I was exclusive with one of the ladies. Since I have a soft spot for chicks in lab coats, I desired to go steady with the scientist.

Unfortunately as time went on, we got on each others nerves and our relationship dissolved. We were both to blame as the unmethodical reasoning behind my essays made her furious and I grew incensed with her constant experimentation on my plant. Our separation was an upsetting experience and I began to believe that my choice was a mistake. I visualized myself happily married to the princess in a castle on top of a hill overlooking our peasants.

I then judged that proposition as far fetched. Movies and television tend to portray princesses as loving and caring individuals. Everyone knows that is not accurate because being born in the lap of luxury often leads to a lifestyle of selfishness. In a more realistic scenario, she would have demanded I quit nonsensical writing in order to worship the crown more.

I’d eventually succumb to my literary addiction and be caught scribbling a string of unrelated words together on a napkin. As she was the vengeful type, besides banishing me from the kingdom, she would have likely poisoned my plant, bleached my favorite jeans and flipped my calendar to the wrong month.

It was heartbreak when the scientist left and I couldn’t witness a beaker for months, but time healed my emotional wounds and plant. Life carried on and I had a positive attitude. Sure I was girlfriendless, but if I had chosen conversely, I’d be girlfriendless, plant-less, pants-less, empire-less and disorientated on what weekday it was for a while. I am grateful that I only lost was a few “metaphoric tears”, as real men don’t actually cry.

As you see, there’s much more comfort in pretending the unselected road had more potholes. It gives internal peace when predicting that the weeds were thicker, hell even full of thorns and camouflaging land mines on the other side of the fence. Maybe this paper didn’t come out as fantastic as planned and the illustrations provided were preposterous, but if I skipped writing, who knows what would have happened. I might have gone bowling, bumped into a colleague that fancied a tailor that once hemmed a pair of slacks for a druglord and before long, I'm penniless on the street abusing drugs. Thank you this essay for saving my life.

Naked Supermodels Set Fire to Local Orphanage

The original ploy was to have them rescuing the universe from certain doom, but that’s ordinary behavior for supermodels. They’re always using their powers responsibly, so I decided it would be far more shocking for them to have wicked intentions. It would be a major headline if they were caught terrorizing parentless children in an unclothed manner. If that doesn’t steal your attention, I am pretty confident you have no soul.


Isn’t a scandalous cover far more important than the merit of the book? Let’s say I am offering two articles in the emergency waiting room. One with the above name and another called "A Tutorial on Title Writing.” Except for a few comatose, I’m sure the patients would favor a story about attractive woman displaying public indecency while torturing unfortunate minors. The opposing read appears to be a dull grammar lesson and even though it may have more overall benefit, it could never carry the concentration of a knife wound victim.


Anyway, from this point on there will be nothing further about bare arsenic models. I could hypothetically compose a situation about a rambunctious gang of lingerie models that became intoxicated while skinny dipping in a public fountain and later decided to purchase a canister of lighter fluid at Home Depot, but that concept is ridiculous. Supermodels never have to buy anything.


Nevertheless, the purpose of the title was simply to lure an audience into reading this. My idea was to first capture the attention of readers and then worry about the consequences of providing irrelevant material inside. The hardest part of a sale is getting the customer in the door. Once the prey succumbs to the bait, the advantage swings towards the salesman or in this case, the essayist.


By this point of the juncture, I must consider anyone remaining as comfortably inside the door with your jacket off and feet up or held hostage. Since it’s impossible to reclaim the valuable time lost, you might as well ride this out to the conclusion. Opening this was when things went astray and that can’t be reversed. My advice is to read this off as a loss and recoup your wasted time later by multitasking or driving above the speed limit.


Besides, I suggest making the best out of any circumstance. Spin this into a lesson about not falling for the catchy label. Sometimes things wrapped in shiny package are cosmetically covering an interior decay. Maybe searching for a diamond amongst the rough or giving the ugly duckling a chance to develop can prove more rewarding. And if you have the capability, please remember to donate blood a few times a year, volunteer to help those in need, send your grandmother flowers Mother’s day too, visit the dentist twice a year………..


Wait, wait hold up and let me dismount off my high horse. I wish I could claim that the previous paragraph was sincere and composed from the bottom of my heart. I genuinely want to help make the world a better place and people to be impressed by my nobleness, but alas that was not the intention for this deceit. I am merely a writer who’s is fueling his desire for publicity with exaggerations, lies and moronic morals. Perhaps instead of being a pompous blowhard, I could write honestly about my uneventful day of laundry, a stubbed toe and store brand pretzels, but if an essay is written and nobody ever reads it, was it ever written at all?