My Favorite Shape

On the chance I’m ever blindsided into a geometric debate, I’ve decided to have my favorite shape predetermined. A person without preferences is the lettuce of a salad, the packaging peanuts of a shipment or a three leaf clover, they just occupy space. Playing favorites helps distinguish individuality and makes someone memorable. I never want to be referred to as “That generic guy who likes all the shapes, What’s His Face?”

Now that leads to the question of which figure best symbolized me. Throwing my support behind one with curves seemed feminine, the standard rectangle was too conservative and dead body chalk outline had too many inconsistencies to be narrowed into a distinct shape. There had to be one that better represented my character.

Then a moment of clarity struck me during a round of poker. A diamond is a gemstone formed from pressurized carbon and a girl’s best friend but not an actual shape. The King of Rhombus was in my hand and starring at me in the face. That was the ideal figure to be my best friend.

It has portions of symmetry but lacks the strict confinements of the square. Its slanted sides portray a relaxed image like loosening up the tie while sipping a glass of whiskey. Refusing to have right angles radiates a sense of nonconformity and playing by its own rules. The rhombus is a rebel with a splash of drunken uncle. It has the box like outline required to fit into the parallelogram family but it’s a different pedigree than the straight edged perpendicular members.

That is the impression I want to be associated with. I don’t have a militant posture and my corners aren’t neatly tucked in. My attitude is more carefree and I enjoy the freedom to rearrange my appearance. With a short attention span, I’m always adjusting the length my sleeves are rolled, the notch used in my belt and the angle that parts my hair. I would never prosper in a regimented environment which enforces discipline and uniform.

Well that settles my case and I declare the rhombus as my favorite shape. My “all shapes are drawn equal” belief has been overthrown and I now have a geometric identity. Whenever people are tossing the ball around the baseball rhombus, skiing down the double black rhombus course or winning a game of Blackjack with the Ace of Rhombus, they will instinctively be reminded of me.

That’s why announcing favorites plays an important role in developing an interesting personality. Taking it to the next level, selecting a preference in a topic that’s borderline idiotic allows me to shine like a rhombus in the rough. To become fascinating you’ll need either one phenomenal rationale about why you love vanilla ice cream and wearing blue jeans or you can do what I do, simply fancy something senseless. Tune in to future essays where I construct illogical explanations to my favorite vice-president’s wife, Stevie Wonder song and my obsession with the Equator.



*The attached quadrilateral family tree picture in no way reflects reality. It simply symbolizes the author’s opinion of which personalities may mirror a particular shape. By no means does it project that I fathered a nerd child with my brother that joined the Army. There is no way my genes would ever give birth to a loser child