A Dozen Cases of Lotto Fever

Now with the drama of the Lotto jackpot finally over I've decided to reflect back on my weekend. I had highs, lows and moments of pure ridiculousness. Now in random order and blatantly all over the map, I present to you a dozen cases of lotto fever........



I- Is 10 bucks worth of losing lotto tickets a quality gift? I mean, I tried to give someone 620 million in cash for their wedding. I put in more thought then giving a blender


II- "Yeah that deadline seems pretty stupid now boss, kiss my 620 million dollar butt" - something everyone thought but only a couple people got to say


III- Just put my out of office on for eternity. I'm a positive person, I'll worry about the consequences of Monday work morning on the slim chance I don't win the jackpot


IV- I can’t decide to take either the lump sum or invest in 120,000,000 Subway foot long subs if I win. Both seem like a winning idea 


V- If all the coworkers next to me win their office lotto pool they won't shutup about and I don't get promoted, I am quitting this job too


VI- So I have joined lotto pools with family, friends and enemies. It’s not the holidays that brings everyone together, it’s remotely small chances on winning an obscene amount of money that does


VII- There is a 99.999% more of a chance that you will hear Riana’s "Hopeless Place" while waiting on line to play lotto than actually winning lotto


VIII- They should add much more gambling to large lotto jackpots, like betting the race, sex, location, favorite color or how many teeth the winner will have


IX- I once read that the lottery is a tax on stupid people so go ahead and waste your dollar people. I’ll just enjoy the 4 extra quarter peep shows I use mine on even more


X- I wonder if the amount of bank robberies skyrockets the day after a huge jackpot is won. If people are like me, they prematurely spend the winnings and then are stuck with some debt that cannot be easily repaid


XI- If you got struck by lightning and shot accidentally by a crossbow in the pinky finger by the Pope at the stroke of midnight on Leap Day there is must be some sort of percentage of that equating to winning the lottery. Maybe it's higher maybe it's lower, what the hell do I know, I’m no mathematician


XII- Excuse me Deli Cashier, my lotto tickets are broken. These numbers are wrong, please give me a refund

A Dozen Invaluable Job Tips

I-  When the boss is out, only accomplish the bare minimum. Management will feel a sense of worthlessness if productivity occurs when they are not around to motivate. The last thing you want is a superior feeling irrelevant

II- Consistency is more important that timeliness. Showing up sporadically late to work proves unreliability. Always arriving late lets fellow employees prepare to not rely on you for a morning crisis

III-  Never start a new job at your maximum capability. Setting the bar low makes it easier to show improvement throughout the course of employment. Example, Manager says “I am so proud of Pete, his odor is less potent and he hasn't visited the nurse for stapling his finger in weeks, a raise is in his near future”

IV- Always have two tasks on your plate that need to be completed. If a coworker asks why one isn't finished, you can reply you were working on the other. The other one is always more urgent

V- The first time you get sick during employment, don’t call out. Arriving ill proves initial toughness so that when you falsely call out in the future for amusement park and ski trips, nobody will question your health

VI-  If you wake up in someone else’s bed or in the gutter after staying out all night and need to head straight to the office, don’t worry about your pants. Unless have on clown pants, nobody in the office will notice a repeat performance. Focus on changing your shirt and if you are still nervous about your appearance, add a fake accent

VII-  This is more for the cold weather but skipping a coat makes it much easier to sneak into the office late. Nobody will think you were idiotic enough to travel in absolute zero conditions without one. Everyone will just assume you were already there

VIII-  Agreeing to unfeasible deadlines and offering false promises is a much more mature way of temporarily solving office disputes as opposed to hiding in the bathroom stall

IX-  When you get confirmation that you send a successful fax, point up to Jesus. This shows gratefulness about your job and everyone appreciates someone that looks thankful

X-  If you are covering for an absentee coworker make sure you take a separate lunch for both you and them. Ordinarily that person would have taken a break and that company time should never be compromised

XI-  While in the office, always be a constant professional. Only be seen drinking virgin bloody marys in the morning and non-alcoholic beer in the afternoon. Save the real alcohol for post work, smoke breaks and from a flask while in the bathroom hiding from problems and phone calls

XII-  The supply room is an economical way to get all your holiday shopping done. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a red stapler or Valentine’s Day like writing “I love you” on a post-it and sticking it on your lover’s forehead as they sleep

Strengths and Weaknesses

There are billions of people in this world but I guarantee that none of them are perfect. Everyone has places they shine, but no one is immune from moments they are dim. Sure, Superman excels in almost every aspect but if you were searching for a camping companion on Mount Kryptonite, he’d be a poor option.

With that being said, I have decided to summarize my strengths and weaknesses to showcase to the world. It’s unfeasible to be successful in every facet of life so I won’t bother trying. Instead, I’m going to publicize my assets and liabilities to inform people of my limitations. This will guide everyone to draw from my expertise and avoid my deficiencies.

For instance, if you desired driving directions more precise then “the freeway is about 5 songs south of here” or a proof reader to check the grammar on you’re résumé, then you’d already know to bypass any of my input. Conversely, if you desired an innovative excuse for a late arrival to the office like “was sidetracked rescuing cute bunnies drowning in the lake” or were doing some Autumn cleaning that required recycling leftover summer ales to clear room for Octoberfest and pumpkin lagers, I’d be the candidate that pops into your head. 

The goal of promoting this list is to confine the expectations held of me. The last thing I want to do is to let anyone down or be misleading. Placing my capabilities in stone will prevent people from assuming that I can aid with something I’m unsuited for. If a friend needed immediate assistance in erecting a shelf on their dining room wall, I’d oblige out of guilt, but the safety of any delicates placed on it would be in jeopardy.

Having an over-fixation on becoming perfect will only result in getting caught hiding weaknesses. That leads to frustrated situations where all parties result in being disappointed. Accepting my failures as a lost cause will guide all attention towards my successes. That will increase positive outcomes as well as smiles all around. Let me stick to my strengths in order to do my part in making the world a flawless place. 

Now without any further delay, here are my strengths and weaknesses:


Strengths 
-Ability to overstand situations
-Remember things the way I want to
-Have an unnatural talent to fall asleep upon command
-Accurately estimate when the headliner will go on stage at a concert
-Am able to compare apples to oranges
-Never worry about something again if told to “never mind”
-Mow my name in script
-Show great enthusiasm towards people’s ideas if I don’t have to do anything
-Bounce back from being told “shut up” very easily
-Am capable of rolling the “R” in any word regardless if it has an “R”
-An asset to help recycle leftover unopened beers from parties
-Can predict the quality of a film based solely on a preview
-Available to take anyone's last minute free extra hockey tickets
-Cheer up pessimists and crush the spirit of optimists
-Answer questions nobody asked
-Can judge a book by cover
 Weaknesses 
-Announce my weaknesses with no intention of improving them
-Poorly reseal open bags of chips or pretzels
-Rarely offer solutions that rely on  sense
-Provide directions that only lead to the vicinity of a destination instead of exactly
-Unable to mentally vision square feet
-Can’t resist the urge to juggle if oranges are spotted
-Confuse Spades and Clubs in poker
-Often shift the blame of my mistakes to inanimate objects or the coworker on maternity
-Forget to account for the weather when dressing in the morning
-Can't write script and don't believe in “tenses”
-Weak sense of smell that is even sometimes wrong
-Can't unlock fences that protect children from falling down stairs
-Tendency to mumble and fail to repeat  louder when asked "What did you say?"
-Distracted too easily by shiny objects and cleavage
-Never execute ideas
-Lose focus in between putting on socks

The Pros and Cons of Owning Bowling Shoes

The first matter of business of this blog is to convince everyone that my secret obsession of owning a pair of bowling shoes is not peculiar. My goal is to have everybody relating to the predicament because establishing oneself as a recluse who is unfit for society rarely gets the support of an audience.

To accomplish that task, let me suggest a social outcast that’s far stranger. Sure, having bowling shoes puts you in a small bracket amongst the masses, but it’s more acceptable than cross-dressing. I mean what kind of lunatic would wear a basketball jersey to a football game? We’ve all seen that guy in a crowd who is too cool to promote one of the teams playing or wear a neutral sweater. Rather than fitting in, they insist on making a statement for a team that is irrelevant to the situation. Maybe I’d appear a bit wacky arriving to the alley carrying a shoe purse but at least I always wear appropriate attire.

Now after demonstrating how there are far more ridiculous things than owning bowling shoes, let me state my case. The problem is that despite my affection for a pair, it’s difficult to rationalize it being a wise investment. My heart won’t stop beating about how glorious it would be to lace up a pair of my very own but my mind is adamant that there are too many factors against it and it’s smarter to continue renting.

To break this stalemate between passion and intellect, I’ve generated a pros and cons list. This will clearly present all the positive and negative aspects of ownership in a comparable format so that I can make an educated assessment. This will end the internal struggle and I’ll finally be able to put the debate to rest. My time really should really be freed to pursue more substantial concerns. For example straightening up my room or campaigning for a 2012 presidency run.

Alright, in order to make a final decision on whether my feet shall have expensive privacy or economically share the odors of others let me illustrate the pros and cons of buying bowling shoes.


Cons
-Only bowl a handful of times a year
-Need to improve a 100 pin average to disprove looking phony
-They’re not fashionable anywhere else yet besides bowling lanes
-Money would be better served better invested into mutual funds or whiskey
-Gateway to developing the stereotypical professional bowler out of shape body type
-Must carry at all times in case of spur of the moment bowling
-Increases clutter in the shoe rack
-The shoes would dominate conversations and overshadow my shining personality
-Prime target for being sold a matching ball
-A jealous girlfriend may try to sabotage them because they get more attention
-Fake friends would overwhelm me because I have bowling shoes
-May grow a false superiority complex over bowling shoeless people
-Gazing down in awe at them while walking will lead to collisions into others and poles
-Stuck standing around or awkwardly stretching while others wait to rent shoes
-Develop an exotic obsession and waste thousands on shoes like alligator, ballerina and astronaut
-Borrowing by others will stretch them out, especially ones with clown feet


Pros
-Owning bowling shoes would be awesome


Wow, after reviewing all the evidence, it’s still impossible for me to break the deadlock. Lawyers for both the pro and the con side delivered a valid case and as the jury, I remain at an impasse. Looks like it is back to the drawing board and the dilemma lives on. The dusty radiators in my room and the White House will have to keep waiting as I am just a single man. I can only solve one problem at a time

A Baker’s Dozen Holiday Shorts

My landlord is renting the parking spot out in front of my apartment. I don’t own a car but I was thinking of being proactive and getting it in case someone gets me a Lexus for Christmas

The red sweats were wrinkled on the floor while the green shirt had a gravy stain so they were perfect running clothes as dirty clothes would just get dirtier. Little did I know, I was festively running in the park dressed like Christmas

With Winter starting upon us, call me if you need help “recycling” old Octoberfest or Pumpkin ales to clear refrigerator space for Winter stouts and Christmas ales

My office supply room is holding an incredible Black Friday sale, everything is 100% off! Who wants a stapler or highlighters for Christmas??

Posting "Merry Christmas" on my blog is awesome. I get credit for wishing a happy holiday to millions of my imaginary followers with just the click of a button...... I must rest now

Just remember, if you invested in Candy Cane, Mistletoe or Champagne stocks/bonds, sell, sell, sell! They’re peaking now but will likely plummet in value after the holiday

I may invest the money from the first 8 years instead of getting my nephew a gift. Then with the future lump sum, I’ll buy him a dirt bike for Christmas and become the best uncle ever!

I can’t wait until the holiday season is over, I am so tired of singing Christmas songs in the shower

I drank so much champagne New Years Eve that I was pissing bubbles the next morning

It’s that time of year where I get to try again the New Year’s resolution of drinking no other liquid besides alcohol for an entire year without dying

What’s the opposite of New Year’s Resolutions called? Like something you did that was so awesome this year that’s it’s impossible to improve or were doing so well that you should tone it down because it was embarrassing others. New Years Anti-lution’s?

Sometimes the boss lets us leave a few hours early the day before a holiday weekend. This Christmas I’m hoping for this Friday, we’re let out Wednesday

Maybe I should start my own religion where I just push the same holidays a week later. Now that Christmas is over, the grocery stores and pharmacy are practically giving candy canes, ornaments and garland away

Nobody Posts Blogs on Christmas

Although I would love to be sipping whiskey and penning an amazing memoir, that is not what Christmas is about. It’s time to be around family and cherished ones as you reminisce together about the past. That is why I am off to spend time with loved ones rather then writing something new and invigorating.

Despite my abandoning the blog for the holiday, I do not want to leave an impression as a Grinch and offer nothing on this sacred day. I am going to leave everyone with a “classic” Road to Absolute Zero entry. To set the mood, I have reformatted the font into gentle italics.

Please don’t think of it as a rerun and a copout by me. Instead when you grab your cup of egg nog and are cozy around the fireplace with family members that are dear to you, reread this blog once again and share the fond memories from when it was initially read. In the spirit of holiday blockbuster movies please enjoy again, The 4 Categories of Movie Previews. Have a Merry Christmas


The 4 Categories of Movie Previews
When watching television, it’s common to see advertisements for upcoming movies. The intention is to persuade you to get off the couch and head to the cinema. The producers will resort to any measures necessary to have that accomplished. That includes spoiling the best parts and if they don’t receive positive feedback from real critics, they’ll just quote favorable reviews from random people who saw an advanced screening. A movie studio ranks a films success on how much money it rakes in rather than the number of stars it gets.


With that being the case, I have developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether or not I am going to enjoy the movie. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything contained in it, is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit to the film or if the preview is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Now after some experimenting, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place movies from solely viewing a preview and have explained them below.


Sure Bet - This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, brash violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a Space Mesopotamia and the dignified cast did not come from a reality show. I’ll bet my namesake on the superiority of the film and rally a crowd to join me to at the theater. I am already expecting pats on the back after the viewing for selecting it. I’ll do so much bragging that this flick is going to be awesome that even if it the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending that it was amazing. I have put this movie on too high on a pedestal to ever admit it was anything less than great.


Metro-sexual - This movie can swing either way. The preview showed some moments of potential but also doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but also have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith in the picture I wouldn’t risk my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they would shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in unexpected free time like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers my expectations because it wasn’t my idea or it’s in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s great, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my choice or I am sure it was better than filing audit reports in the supply room.


Ten Seconder - Somewhere in a magazine I read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not me. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory.


Sore Fist - Instead of only being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid and my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project ever got financed and I am certain I could film something superior using a hand puppet or a vacuum as the star character. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch jokes. I’m so incensed, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and wait outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear future consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the plaintiff was encouraging the director to make a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.

Pete’s Out of this World Birthday Extravaganza

I admit that laziness would prevail if I attempted to throw myself an actual birthday celebration but I’m no robot. I have emotions and if you prick me, I shall bleed. I crave for attention but I have accepted my failings at essential hosting tasks like researching gazebo rental times, providing accurate directions to destinations and mopping up from keg stands. Instead, I’m capitalizing on my strengths of nonsense writing and temporary enthusiasm to fabricate an internet spectacular!

Besides this great idea minimizing effort, holding an intangible fiesta allows freedom to invite everyone. Online profiles of family members, business colleagues and people who increase blog count can all mingle together in internet harmony. If you have “concrete” plans December 17th, dwell in a different hemisphere or exist solely in the cyber world, you still can join.

The beauty of this is it being low maintenance all around. I just want invitees to press “attend” so I’m convinced that if I planned a physical party, thousands of guests would show. You get to omit all future party obligations such as worrying I may win the lottery scratch offs you bought me, dancing the electric slide and putting on pants. Its win win as responders get credit for bringing me joy by merely lifting a finger and I safely assume that I’m still popular and handsome.

Alright, let me wrap this up. I believe reading is a chore so it would be hypocritical of me if this got too lengthy. Thank you in advance and I am looking forward to hypothetically drinking a beer with you!

PS I’ve titled the picture “Cake in outer space on office loose leaf notebook canvas”