Holiday Gumdrops

As I was riding the subway to a running race early one Saturday morning, a homeless man sitting across me from me decided to strike up a chat. Morning communication is not one of my strengths so I really wasn’t in the mood but I reluctantly joined. There was nobody else within a reasonable distance, I was alone and he looked harmless enough.  I really couldn’t find an excuse to be rude.

He opened with the inquiry “Why is there a number pinned to your shirt?”

It wasn’t the brightest question since I was clothed in running attire and holding a water bottle so at first I felt no duty to dignify it with a factual answer. My initial urge was to sing the words “American Idol tryouts!”

Alas, that thought led me to questioning my integrity about reaching a point in life where I received pleasure from mocking a homeless man. My conscience persuaded me otherwise and I truthfully answered “I was off to Central Park for a 5k race.”

It was only a few miles of running but he seemed quite impressed and responded “Wow, I wish I could do something like that. That’s amazing.”

That seemed to satisfy his curiosity and he began to relax back into his seat. To my surprise, halfway through that process he jolted back with pure enthusiasm. A revolutionary idea must have clicked in his head and with a big smile he asked “You wanna know the best feeling in the world?” 

While I was slightly apprehensive to learn his greatest joy, he seemed genuinely excited to share and there was still plenty of time left in my ride. I was clueless as to what was going to come out of his mouth and that also aided me into saying “Please tell.”

He announced “A lot of times I wake up in the morning unsure of where I am but if I find food in my pockets, it makes me so happy and I know it will be a great day.” He then opened a bag of gumdrops freshly pulled from his pockets and offered me a handful.

Despite it being a bit gross and a peculiar breakfast meal, it was the sweetest thing I have ever witnessed. A stranger with far less in his life invited me to join in on their favorite moment.

I was tempted to pick out a green one because I didn’t want him to feel his food was inferior. Then I realized I’d never appreciate eating (or possibly fake eating) any piece of the candy more than he would. With a heartfelt grin, I told him “Thank you very much but I am not really hungry.”

After a few silent minutes of watching him enjoy his snack, my stop approached. I stood up and said “Thank you again, it meant a lot to me that you would offer.” I then handed him the $20 bill I always carry to races in case of an emergency and I thought to myself, maybe my trip home will be slower now but at least I have one to go to.

He looked shocked as he accepted it and I’m hoping it’s because he never once asked for anything besides conversation.

As I exited, he wished me good luck in the race and to have a Merry Christmas……. Okay those last 4 words are false since this actually occurred a few months ago. He wasn’t a lunatic and referenced Christmas mid-September. I admit my original scheme was trying to cheat this essay into the giving season and New Year's but I felt dirty lying around the holidays. The truth is, he said “Happy Labor Day”……..

Anyway, reflecting back on this piece, it has been selfishly written. It’s made me look at the bigger picture in life and become aware that I am not the only one with problems. Everyone has them and a lot of them are a hell of a lot worse than mine. It’s not always the situation to blame, its how it’s dealt with. In 2013 I’m spending more time eating gumdrops and I invite everyone who reads this to join.

 

 

If I Were in Charge.......

-If I was a pilot and air traffic control forced me to circle the airport until a runway was available, I’d order one of the flight attendants to cut the fuel line. Then they’d let me land

-If I was a soccer coach and my team was losing, I’d pull the goalie regardless of how much time was left. It doesn't matter if you lose 1 to 0 or a Million to 0, you still lose

-If I was a lawyer and needed to discredit the character of a witness on the stand, I’d claim they hated cake. Only someone evil would despise cake

-If I was a professor, I’d end all my classes by walking out and repeating “If anyone has any questions, I am sure they are great ones”

-If I was gay, my Halloween costume would be ‘straight male’ and I’d go around wearing relaxed fit jeans saying things like, “See that game last night?”, "That's what she said" and “I’d do her”

-If I was running for president, I’d spend my campaign budget on providing everyone in America with a free donut. That would loosen everyone to my abstract policies of converting the nations monetary system to Sam Adams Oktoberfest during the month of October and making it mandatory for all employers to make Monday a paid vacation day if it rained both days of the weekend

-If I was a store owner, I’d hold “3 for the price of 10” sales. Then my profits would soar

-If I was a NYC murderer, my spree would be by annoying people to death. I'd carry a bike on the subway during rush hour, hold up airport security lines by trying to smuggle snow globes and fiddle with my iPhone while slowly crossing intersections

-If I was a comedian, I’d be an elevator standup comic in a medium rise office building. I have about nine floors worth of quality material before I start repeating or become annoying

-If I were an Olympics judge, I’d miss something like a gymnast pommel horsing because I was too busy texting or sexting.  Then I’d have to whisper to the judge next to me “Let me copy your scores”

-If I was a waiter and assumed in advance that a party was going to tip poorly, I’d spit in their food. If I was wrong and they ended up tipping well, I’d offer a coupon for a free meal out of guilt. When they returned I’d spit in their food again because obviously they like that

-If I was to marry a lady with the last name Lee, I’d let her carry the family name instead. Then I’d choose names for our boys like Diabolical, Erroneous and Fearless and Waver, Cost and Pleasant for the girls

A Dozen Moon Unfacts

A Dozen Moon Unfacts

-During daylight hours, The Moon is usually off running errands for other planets or watching soap operas

-Neil Armstrong’s real motive for rocketing to The Moon was to prove his theory that it was flat

-In contrast to the Sundress, women use to sleep in a Moongown until the pajama was invented

-The Moon was a free agent satellite until it was selected in the 2nd round by Earth in the 1972 Planetary Draft

-Gravitational forces from The Moon are the reason for ocean high tides… haha, just kidding, that’d be ridiculous

-Las Vegas odds favor a cow jumping the moon 3-1 over the dish running away with the spoon. Many believe the fork and the silverware mafia intimidating the spoon is why

-It’s a myth that The Moon is made of cheese but it does go just as well with wine

-During 5-7pm orbital rush hour, The Moon’s velocity slows due to asteroid congestion

-The Moon was originally referred to as The Object until MoonPie purchased its naming rights

-Babe Ruth once hit a baseball that ricocheted off the moon, it was ruled a double

-It’s possible to leap over The Moon but the length of the running start needed to generate that height is tremendously far, just ask the cow

-Since a body weighs less on The Moon that Earth, the population there drinks sodas larger than 16oz’s and wears skinny jeans

Life Evens Out

Although it would be meaningful to pen an essay warning about global warming, tackling the troubled economy or requesting donations for the “Running Against Scissors 5K” charity run I’m doing but meaning is not where I excel.  Attempting significance would lead to suffering for me, anyone who reads and the millions I pretend who read.  Since that’s pointless, at least let me entertain myself by composing a piece exaggerating an inconsequential encounter I had years back and then twisting an obtuse moral out of it that rationalizes being lazy.

To set the scene, I was entering my apartment lobby carrying a bag of clean laundry when I heard the ding of the elevator.  I sped up my walk hoping that the person waiting would hear my footsteps and be compassionate enough to hold the door.  Fortune was on my side and to further my delight the young lady even offered to press the button of my floor since my hands were occupied.

While replying “23 please”, I noticed that floor 27 was already lit so after a short pause I continued with “And 24, 25 and 26 as well.” 

A laugh was then shared after she realized my light hearted attempt for her to unnecessarily stop at 3 floors.  This breaking of the ice led to more chatter and I used laundry as the topic of conversation.   I explained how all my clothes were sparkling and I now had a full wardrobe at my command tomorrow. Even outfits I had forgotten so it was almost as if I was returning home from a shopping spree. 

After listening she replied “Thou art the handsomest and wittiest gentleman that dwells upon this kingdom and as not a combination of thee two. Hence thou art the apex in both categories.”

Okay, I confess that I’m unsure of the exact verbatim she used because I was too busy basking in the glow of being incredibly amusing to actually listen.  Clearly I inserted some Shakespearian English and consulted a thesaurus because nobody would’ve spoken “apex” in that context.  Although I do admit my interpretation isn’t word for word, I assure its merit lies within the same ballpark.

Anyway, as my momentum slowed and the subject of laundry drew thin, luck was on my side. The elevator door gradually opened at my destination and I exited with a smile speaking “Have a lovely afternoon.”  

As I strutted into the sunset of the hallway while my shadow was gently crushed by the elevator doors, I was positive there was now a person who felt that every word I shared was worth the price of gold. I was content with what conspired and put our relationship to rest.

Fate on the other hand had a plan of its own.  Later that evening as I headed out for a trip to the grocery store, I bumped into the same female on the subway.  This encore gathering was not supposed to be in the cards.  It caught me off guard and I felt intense pressure to not only replicate what happened earlier, but to trump it. 

My childish idea of avoiding the situation by staring at the emergency procedures sign quickly failed and we made eye contact.  My next thought by default was to open my mouth and pray something witty would come out.

Unfortunately, silent separated lips changed the scene to awkward.  In panic, my mind scurried through pathetic salvation options only to dismiss them….. 

Compliment her shoes? No those shoes are average at best and with

those sporty laces, they could be considered sneakers. 

Mention the weather? No that is too generic and there’s nothing 

noteworthy about partly cloudy. 

Offer a hand shake? No that’s stupid, it’s not a business meeting 

and the subway is unsanitary 

Revert to the laundry joke and say you have on your favorite shirt?

No, you’re wearing a shirt you hate because you didn't want 

something favored buried this early in the laundry cycle. 

That’s when the white flag was waved and I began doubting my assessment of the original meeting.  Was I merely imagining how charming I was? I had to escape but my mind only offered questionable exit strategies……..

Close your eyes? Fake a heart attack? Scramble under the seats

looking for a marble? Jump off at the next stop despite the grocery 

store there having mostly rotten vegetables? Yell we need to see 

other people?

Well, what ended up happening was at the next stop I rode a wave of entering people to the opposite side of the subway car.  After being a comfortable distance away I reflected back in dismay as to what occurred.  Not only had my mythical stature vanished, she probably pondered why I was allowed to roam free without adult supervision.

I began the day charismatically but by nightfall it was balanced out by behaving like a social misfit.  Life is fair.  The higher you climb, the further you fall so it's best to just to lounge around in middle ground. Sure I could get up off the couch and try to do some pleasant deeds to make the world a better place but ultimately they’ll be canceled out.  Let’s say I plant a tree or help an old lady cross the street.  Eventually the tree will kidnap an innocent child’s kitten or kite and the old lady will attempt to rob a bank on the other side of the highway.  The overall benefit to society will be exactly the same as if I continue to do nothing.  Without further regret or hesitation, let me proceed to an afternoon of relaxing.

My Favorite Shape

On the chance I’m ever blindsided into a geometric debate, I’ve decided to have my favorite shape predetermined. A person without preferences is the lettuce of a salad, the packaging peanuts of a shipment or a three leaf clover, they just occupy space. Playing favorites helps distinguish individuality and makes someone memorable. I never want to be referred to as “That generic guy who likes all the shapes, What’s His Face?”

Now that leads to the question of which figure best symbolized me. Throwing my support behind one with curves seemed feminine, the standard rectangle was too conservative and dead body chalk outline had too many inconsistencies to be narrowed into a distinct shape. There had to be one that better represented my character.

Then a moment of clarity struck me during a round of poker. A diamond is a gemstone formed from pressurized carbon and a girl’s best friend but not an actual shape. The King of Rhombus was in my hand and starring at me in the face. That was the ideal figure to be my best friend.

It has portions of symmetry but lacks the strict confinements of the square. Its slanted sides portray a relaxed image like loosening up the tie while sipping a glass of whiskey. Refusing to have right angles radiates a sense of nonconformity and playing by its own rules. The rhombus is a rebel with a splash of drunken uncle. It has the box like outline required to fit into the parallelogram family but it’s a different pedigree than the straight edged perpendicular members.

That is the impression I want to be associated with. I don’t have a militant posture and my corners aren’t neatly tucked in. My attitude is more carefree and I enjoy the freedom to rearrange my appearance. With a short attention span, I’m always adjusting the length my sleeves are rolled, the notch used in my belt and the angle that parts my hair. I would never prosper in a regimented environment which enforces discipline and uniform.

Well that settles my case and I declare the rhombus as my favorite shape. My “all shapes are drawn equal” belief has been overthrown and I now have a geometric identity. Whenever people are tossing the ball around the baseball rhombus, skiing down the double black rhombus course or winning a game of Blackjack with the Ace of Rhombus, they will instinctively be reminded of me.

That’s why announcing favorites plays an important role in developing an interesting personality. Taking it to the next level, selecting a preference in a topic that’s borderline idiotic allows me to shine like a rhombus in the rough. To become fascinating you’ll need either one phenomenal rationale about why you love vanilla ice cream and wearing blue jeans or you can do what I do, simply fancy something senseless. Tune in to future essays where I construct illogical explanations to my favorite vice-president’s wife, Stevie Wonder song and my obsession with the Equator.



*The attached quadrilateral family tree picture in no way reflects reality. It simply symbolizes the author’s opinion of which personalities may mirror a particular shape. By no means does it project that I fathered a nerd child with my brother that joined the Army. There is no way my genes would ever give birth to a loser child

A Dozen Cases of Lotto Fever

Now with the drama of the Lotto jackpot finally over I've decided to reflect back on my weekend. I had highs, lows and moments of pure ridiculousness. Now in random order and blatantly all over the map, I present to you a dozen cases of lotto fever........



I- Is 10 bucks worth of losing lotto tickets a quality gift? I mean, I tried to give someone 620 million in cash for their wedding. I put in more thought then giving a blender


II- "Yeah that deadline seems pretty stupid now boss, kiss my 620 million dollar butt" - something everyone thought but only a couple people got to say


III- Just put my out of office on for eternity. I'm a positive person, I'll worry about the consequences of Monday work morning on the slim chance I don't win the jackpot


IV- I can’t decide to take either the lump sum or invest in 120,000,000 Subway foot long subs if I win. Both seem like a winning idea 


V- If all the coworkers next to me win their office lotto pool they won't shutup about and I don't get promoted, I am quitting this job too


VI- So I have joined lotto pools with family, friends and enemies. It’s not the holidays that brings everyone together, it’s remotely small chances on winning an obscene amount of money that does


VII- There is a 99.999% more of a chance that you will hear Riana’s "Hopeless Place" while waiting on line to play lotto than actually winning lotto


VIII- They should add much more gambling to large lotto jackpots, like betting the race, sex, location, favorite color or how many teeth the winner will have


IX- I once read that the lottery is a tax on stupid people so go ahead and waste your dollar people. I’ll just enjoy the 4 extra quarter peep shows I use mine on even more


X- I wonder if the amount of bank robberies skyrockets the day after a huge jackpot is won. If people are like me, they prematurely spend the winnings and then are stuck with some debt that cannot be easily repaid


XI- If you got struck by lightning and shot accidentally by a crossbow in the pinky finger by the Pope at the stroke of midnight on Leap Day there is must be some sort of percentage of that equating to winning the lottery. Maybe it's higher maybe it's lower, what the hell do I know, I’m no mathematician


XII- Excuse me Deli Cashier, my lotto tickets are broken. These numbers are wrong, please give me a refund

A Dozen Invaluable Job Tips

I-  When the boss is out, only accomplish the bare minimum. Management will feel a sense of worthlessness if productivity occurs when they are not around to motivate. The last thing you want is a superior feeling irrelevant

II- Consistency is more important that timeliness. Showing up sporadically late to work proves unreliability. Always arriving late lets fellow employees prepare to not rely on you for a morning crisis

III-  Never start a new job at your maximum capability. Setting the bar low makes it easier to show improvement throughout the course of employment. Example, Manager says “I am so proud of Pete, his odor is less potent and he hasn't visited the nurse for stapling his finger in weeks, a raise is in his near future”

IV- Always have two tasks on your plate that need to be completed. If a coworker asks why one isn't finished, you can reply you were working on the other. The other one is always more urgent

V- The first time you get sick during employment, don’t call out. Arriving ill proves initial toughness so that when you falsely call out in the future for amusement park and ski trips, nobody will question your health

VI-  If you wake up in someone else’s bed or in the gutter after staying out all night and need to head straight to the office, don’t worry about your pants. Unless have on clown pants, nobody in the office will notice a repeat performance. Focus on changing your shirt and if you are still nervous about your appearance, add a fake accent

VII-  This is more for the cold weather but skipping a coat makes it much easier to sneak into the office late. Nobody will think you were idiotic enough to travel in absolute zero conditions without one. Everyone will just assume you were already there

VIII-  Agreeing to unfeasible deadlines and offering false promises is a much more mature way of temporarily solving office disputes as opposed to hiding in the bathroom stall

IX-  When you get confirmation that you send a successful fax, point up to Jesus. This shows gratefulness about your job and everyone appreciates someone that looks thankful

X-  If you are covering for an absentee coworker make sure you take a separate lunch for both you and them. Ordinarily that person would have taken a break and that company time should never be compromised

XI-  While in the office, always be a constant professional. Only be seen drinking virgin bloody marys in the morning and non-alcoholic beer in the afternoon. Save the real alcohol for post work, smoke breaks and from a flask while in the bathroom hiding from problems and phone calls

XII-  The supply room is an economical way to get all your holiday shopping done. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a red stapler or Valentine’s Day like writing “I love you” on a post-it and sticking it on your lover’s forehead as they sleep

Strengths and Weaknesses

There are billions of people in this world but I guarantee that none of them are perfect. Everyone has places they shine, but no one is immune from moments they are dim. Sure, Superman excels in almost every aspect but if you were searching for a camping companion on Mount Kryptonite, he’d be a poor option.

With that being said, I have decided to summarize my strengths and weaknesses to showcase to the world. It’s unfeasible to be successful in every facet of life so I won’t bother trying. Instead, I’m going to publicize my assets and liabilities to inform people of my limitations. This will guide everyone to draw from my expertise and avoid my deficiencies.

For instance, if you desired driving directions more precise then “the freeway is about 5 songs south of here” or a proof reader to check the grammar on you’re résumé, then you’d already know to bypass any of my input. Conversely, if you desired an innovative excuse for a late arrival to the office like “was sidetracked rescuing cute bunnies drowning in the lake” or were doing some Autumn cleaning that required recycling leftover summer ales to clear room for Octoberfest and pumpkin lagers, I’d be the candidate that pops into your head. 

The goal of promoting this list is to confine the expectations held of me. The last thing I want to do is to let anyone down or be misleading. Placing my capabilities in stone will prevent people from assuming that I can aid with something I’m unsuited for. If a friend needed immediate assistance in erecting a shelf on their dining room wall, I’d oblige out of guilt, but the safety of any delicates placed on it would be in jeopardy.

Having an over-fixation on becoming perfect will only result in getting caught hiding weaknesses. That leads to frustrated situations where all parties result in being disappointed. Accepting my failures as a lost cause will guide all attention towards my successes. That will increase positive outcomes as well as smiles all around. Let me stick to my strengths in order to do my part in making the world a flawless place. 

Now without any further delay, here are my strengths and weaknesses:


Strengths 
-Ability to overstand situations
-Remember things the way I want to
-Have an unnatural talent to fall asleep upon command
-Accurately estimate when the headliner will go on stage at a concert
-Am able to compare apples to oranges
-Never worry about something again if told to “never mind”
-Mow my name in script
-Show great enthusiasm towards people’s ideas if I don’t have to do anything
-Bounce back from being told “shut up” very easily
-Am capable of rolling the “R” in any word regardless if it has an “R”
-An asset to help recycle leftover unopened beers from parties
-Can predict the quality of a film based solely on a preview
-Available to take anyone's last minute free extra hockey tickets
-Cheer up pessimists and crush the spirit of optimists
-Answer questions nobody asked
-Can judge a book by cover
 Weaknesses 
-Announce my weaknesses with no intention of improving them
-Poorly reseal open bags of chips or pretzels
-Rarely offer solutions that rely on  sense
-Provide directions that only lead to the vicinity of a destination instead of exactly
-Unable to mentally vision square feet
-Can’t resist the urge to juggle if oranges are spotted
-Confuse Spades and Clubs in poker
-Often shift the blame of my mistakes to inanimate objects or the coworker on maternity
-Forget to account for the weather when dressing in the morning
-Can't write script and don't believe in “tenses”
-Weak sense of smell that is even sometimes wrong
-Can't unlock fences that protect children from falling down stairs
-Tendency to mumble and fail to repeat  louder when asked "What did you say?"
-Distracted too easily by shiny objects and cleavage
-Never execute ideas
-Lose focus in between putting on socks

The Pros and Cons of Owning Bowling Shoes

The first matter of business of this blog is to convince everyone that my secret obsession of owning a pair of bowling shoes is not peculiar. My goal is to have everybody relating to the predicament because establishing oneself as a recluse who is unfit for society rarely gets the support of an audience.

To accomplish that task, let me suggest a social outcast that’s far stranger. Sure, having bowling shoes puts you in a small bracket amongst the masses, but it’s more acceptable than cross-dressing. I mean what kind of lunatic would wear a basketball jersey to a football game? We’ve all seen that guy in a crowd who is too cool to promote one of the teams playing or wear a neutral sweater. Rather than fitting in, they insist on making a statement for a team that is irrelevant to the situation. Maybe I’d appear a bit wacky arriving to the alley carrying a shoe purse but at least I always wear appropriate attire.

Now after demonstrating how there are far more ridiculous things than owning bowling shoes, let me state my case. The problem is that despite my affection for a pair, it’s difficult to rationalize it being a wise investment. My heart won’t stop beating about how glorious it would be to lace up a pair of my very own but my mind is adamant that there are too many factors against it and it’s smarter to continue renting.

To break this stalemate between passion and intellect, I’ve generated a pros and cons list. This will clearly present all the positive and negative aspects of ownership in a comparable format so that I can make an educated assessment. This will end the internal struggle and I’ll finally be able to put the debate to rest. My time really should really be freed to pursue more substantial concerns. For example straightening up my room or campaigning for a 2012 presidency run.

Alright, in order to make a final decision on whether my feet shall have expensive privacy or economically share the odors of others let me illustrate the pros and cons of buying bowling shoes.


Cons
-Only bowl a handful of times a year
-Need to improve a 100 pin average to disprove looking phony
-They’re not fashionable anywhere else yet besides bowling lanes
-Money would be better served better invested into mutual funds or whiskey
-Gateway to developing the stereotypical professional bowler out of shape body type
-Must carry at all times in case of spur of the moment bowling
-Increases clutter in the shoe rack
-The shoes would dominate conversations and overshadow my shining personality
-Prime target for being sold a matching ball
-A jealous girlfriend may try to sabotage them because they get more attention
-Fake friends would overwhelm me because I have bowling shoes
-May grow a false superiority complex over bowling shoeless people
-Gazing down in awe at them while walking will lead to collisions into others and poles
-Stuck standing around or awkwardly stretching while others wait to rent shoes
-Develop an exotic obsession and waste thousands on shoes like alligator, ballerina and astronaut
-Borrowing by others will stretch them out, especially ones with clown feet


Pros
-Owning bowling shoes would be awesome


Wow, after reviewing all the evidence, it’s still impossible for me to break the deadlock. Lawyers for both the pro and the con side delivered a valid case and as the jury, I remain at an impasse. Looks like it is back to the drawing board and the dilemma lives on. The dusty radiators in my room and the White House will have to keep waiting as I am just a single man. I can only solve one problem at a time

A Baker’s Dozen Holiday Shorts

My landlord is renting the parking spot out in front of my apartment. I don’t own a car but I was thinking of being proactive and getting it in case someone gets me a Lexus for Christmas

The red sweats were wrinkled on the floor while the green shirt had a gravy stain so they were perfect running clothes as dirty clothes would just get dirtier. Little did I know, I was festively running in the park dressed like Christmas

With Winter starting upon us, call me if you need help “recycling” old Octoberfest or Pumpkin ales to clear refrigerator space for Winter stouts and Christmas ales

My office supply room is holding an incredible Black Friday sale, everything is 100% off! Who wants a stapler or highlighters for Christmas??

Posting "Merry Christmas" on my blog is awesome. I get credit for wishing a happy holiday to millions of my imaginary followers with just the click of a button...... I must rest now

Just remember, if you invested in Candy Cane, Mistletoe or Champagne stocks/bonds, sell, sell, sell! They’re peaking now but will likely plummet in value after the holiday

I may invest the money from the first 8 years instead of getting my nephew a gift. Then with the future lump sum, I’ll buy him a dirt bike for Christmas and become the best uncle ever!

I can’t wait until the holiday season is over, I am so tired of singing Christmas songs in the shower

I drank so much champagne New Years Eve that I was pissing bubbles the next morning

It’s that time of year where I get to try again the New Year’s resolution of drinking no other liquid besides alcohol for an entire year without dying

What’s the opposite of New Year’s Resolutions called? Like something you did that was so awesome this year that’s it’s impossible to improve or were doing so well that you should tone it down because it was embarrassing others. New Years Anti-lution’s?

Sometimes the boss lets us leave a few hours early the day before a holiday weekend. This Christmas I’m hoping for this Friday, we’re let out Wednesday

Maybe I should start my own religion where I just push the same holidays a week later. Now that Christmas is over, the grocery stores and pharmacy are practically giving candy canes, ornaments and garland away

Nobody Posts Blogs on Christmas

Although I would love to be sipping whiskey and penning an amazing memoir, that is not what Christmas is about. It’s time to be around family and cherished ones as you reminisce together about the past. That is why I am off to spend time with loved ones rather then writing something new and invigorating.

Despite my abandoning the blog for the holiday, I do not want to leave an impression as a Grinch and offer nothing on this sacred day. I am going to leave everyone with a “classic” Road to Absolute Zero entry. To set the mood, I have reformatted the font into gentle italics.

Please don’t think of it as a rerun and a copout by me. Instead when you grab your cup of egg nog and are cozy around the fireplace with family members that are dear to you, reread this blog once again and share the fond memories from when it was initially read. In the spirit of holiday blockbuster movies please enjoy again, The 4 Categories of Movie Previews. Have a Merry Christmas


The 4 Categories of Movie Previews
When watching television, it’s common to see advertisements for upcoming movies. The intention is to persuade you to get off the couch and head to the cinema. The producers will resort to any measures necessary to have that accomplished. That includes spoiling the best parts and if they don’t receive positive feedback from real critics, they’ll just quote favorable reviews from random people who saw an advanced screening. A movie studio ranks a films success on how much money it rakes in rather than the number of stars it gets.


With that being the case, I have developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether or not I am going to enjoy the movie. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything contained in it, is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit to the film or if the preview is trying to pull the wool over my eyes. Now after some experimenting, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place movies from solely viewing a preview and have explained them below.


Sure Bet - This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, brash violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a Space Mesopotamia and the dignified cast did not come from a reality show. I’ll bet my namesake on the superiority of the film and rally a crowd to join me to at the theater. I am already expecting pats on the back after the viewing for selecting it. I’ll do so much bragging that this flick is going to be awesome that even if it the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending that it was amazing. I have put this movie on too high on a pedestal to ever admit it was anything less than great.


Metro-sexual - This movie can swing either way. The preview showed some moments of potential but also doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but also have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith in the picture I wouldn’t risk my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they would shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in unexpected free time like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers my expectations because it wasn’t my idea or it’s in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s great, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my choice or I am sure it was better than filing audit reports in the supply room.


Ten Seconder - Somewhere in a magazine I read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not me. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory.


Sore Fist - Instead of only being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid and my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project ever got financed and I am certain I could film something superior using a hand puppet or a vacuum as the star character. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch jokes. I’m so incensed, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and wait outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear future consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the plaintiff was encouraging the director to make a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.

Pete’s Out of this World Birthday Extravaganza

I admit that laziness would prevail if I attempted to throw myself an actual birthday celebration but I’m no robot. I have emotions and if you prick me, I shall bleed. I crave for attention but I have accepted my failings at essential hosting tasks like researching gazebo rental times, providing accurate directions to destinations and mopping up from keg stands. Instead, I’m capitalizing on my strengths of nonsense writing and temporary enthusiasm to fabricate an internet spectacular!

Besides this great idea minimizing effort, holding an intangible fiesta allows freedom to invite everyone. Online profiles of family members, business colleagues and people who increase blog count can all mingle together in internet harmony. If you have “concrete” plans December 17th, dwell in a different hemisphere or exist solely in the cyber world, you still can join.

The beauty of this is it being low maintenance all around. I just want invitees to press “attend” so I’m convinced that if I planned a physical party, thousands of guests would show. You get to omit all future party obligations such as worrying I may win the lottery scratch offs you bought me, dancing the electric slide and putting on pants. Its win win as responders get credit for bringing me joy by merely lifting a finger and I safely assume that I’m still popular and handsome.

Alright, let me wrap this up. I believe reading is a chore so it would be hypocritical of me if this got too lengthy. Thank you in advance and I am looking forward to hypothetically drinking a beer with you!

PS I’ve titled the picture “Cake in outer space on office loose leaf notebook canvas”

Another Art Gallery

This is titled "Returning home from running later and impressing friends by downing a bottle of vodka"

"Pete's Weekday Graph of Happiness" on yellow notepad

"I Turkey Sandwiches"

This is titled "Now it's official, Snapple has made it a fact"

This is named "Directions to my Office" on paper towel canvas

Road to Absolute Zero

Alright, as of yet nobody has “directly” asked me why I named my blog Road to Absolute Zero, but I’m positive everyone is dying to know. Instead of continuing to be a tease, I have decided to spill the beans.

The origin began by combining two of my obsessions. The first being the fabulous Talking Heads song “Road to Nowhere.” Not only is it a catchy tune, it emphasizes how life is not planned and that we’re all…… well that we are on a road to nowhere.

The second element derived from high school Earth Science class. That’s when I began clashing against the properties of the Mother Nature. I insisted having the keen eyesight to spot the bulge at center of the earth and that walking on the northern side of the street provided a bigger chill because it was further from the equator.

The last and one relevant to this story was my fascination about Absolute Zero. Scientists have come close to reaching the theoretical point where motion in molecules ceases to exist but I claimed to have halted their movement in an igloo created in my basement. Of course my argument was ludicrous, so I had to take my boasting to the highest level in order to be convincing.

Let’s now fast forward ahead many moons to when I was an adult. A time when I was a starving freelance nonsense essay writer and my Olympic gymnast girlfriend took an infinite break from me for training purposes. Okay fine, she was an average looking paralegal and we were both laid off at the same dead-end office job. Damn conscious making me feel guilty for fudging minor details. I mean the main part about not working and an eligible bachelor was still established.

Anyway, being unemployed and single had me sensing I reached rock bottom or as I renamed it, absolute zero. I was a jobless loser with a future of dying penniless and alone. There was no possible way that things could get worse.

Well the following week while tossing back a few “books” during a “networking event” at the local “library”, I lost my wallet and heard from a colleague that my ex-girlfriend was now engaged to a man nicknamed Handbone. That’s when I shook my finger in disbelief and thought “Life, you win. I thought it was impossible to sink any lower, but you proved me wrong. I promise to never doubt you again.”

So that is the evolution of The Road to Absolute Zero. It’s about moving forward on the road of life and taking the discouragements in stride. It’s not the end of the world or “Absolute Zero” if something detrimental happens and sulking about it only tempts fate to torture you again.

I won’t say it’s an optimistic “glass is half full” point of view. I am far from positive and those people with an uncanny knack of keeping everything upbeat are annoying. Nobody wants to listen to things like, “Well the grass really needed the rain” or “With the cable out, I had an opportunity to catch up on chores.”

I consider my outlook as “the glass is half empty but there’s plenty of water left to enjoy.” I have accepted that I am going to get knocked down frequently but I have to brush myself off and keep traveling onward. Make my own paradise out of what I have because complaining about my water level only helps to evaporates it further.

Top Bakers Dozen Hurricane Facts*

*Not really facts at all, probably on the side of opinion and me just saying stuff. Also, now in my later blogger stage, I am too lazy to number, but I promise there are 13


-Well I guess it could have been worse, the hurricane could’ve had a gun

-I think that bastard hurricane stole some of my socks, I’m finding all this mismatched pairs now

-Probably wasn’t the right day to hang my clothes out to dry

-During the day on the stoop of my apartment I conducted a Wind Chimes orchestra. It was mostly covers but a few originals

-There is tree shit (leaves) everywhere

-I think I may have out hurricanned the hurricane, was so hungover the day after

-Was walking around town and only saw one tree that was turned over but I think it was ruled a suicide, not from the winds

-I have instituted natural disaster lingo by adding hurricane or emergency in front of everything I do. For example, I just woke from a Hurricane nap and now am having a hurricane sandwich with an emergency beer

-Well if the world ends with this hurricane, the pearly gates of heaven better not have a breathalyzer test because I won’t pass

-Hurricane panic is setting in, I stopped at Duane Reade during my lunch break for supplies and they were sold out of kites and windsocks

-Valentine’s Day is to greeting cards is like a hurricane is to grocery stores, it’s a made up event by the industry to raise sales

-An earthquake, a hurricane on the way and a new Bangles album dropping soon? I am already lacking motivation to get this compliance project done, signs that the end of the world is nearing is not helping

-Is alcohol consumed during a natural disaster a tax writeoff? I am just trying to prepare for next April

A Short Puppy Tale

A few weeks ago while strolling through the park I passed a gated area reserved for canines. Inside, one of the larger dogs was jumping all over a smaller one. As I was observing, I overheard their owners chatting. The one with the larger hound explained “Oh, no need to worry, that’s just how Ruford plays.”

The other owner accepted the justification and seemed unfazed as her tiny mutt was ravaged.

Eventually Ruford grew tired of pounding on his playmate and the parties separated. Owners and pets headed home and it was just another day in the park.

intermission………

Later that evening, my mother stopped by my apartment which is on the 23rd floor of a high rise building. After deciding we were too hungry to rely on my culinary skills, we headed out for dinner.

As we rode the elevator down my building, to my pleasant surprise, it stopped to pickup an attractive female. Out of instinct I leaped from the corner and pounced on her. As she developed a look of fear in her eyes, my mother stepped in and calmly said “Don’t worry, it’s only my son, he’s just playing.”

Art Gallery

I like to title this picture "I don't like putting my socks away after doing laundry on red canvas"

Something I did not know

I like to call this picture "How to get out of the office early on a friday if I were dyslexic"

Green sneakers on a stool next to a bottle of ajax

The second longest word I have ever seen right after Hgbniudnnngaionepmknbbd

A Dozen Ways to Make Soccer More Exciting

-A new punishment scale of yellow card, red card, the chair

-Instead of calling it Off-sides, change it to Treason

-Goalies are required to wear oven mitts rather than gloves

-One of the refs is legally blind, but nobody knows which

-Each team has one spy who wears the other’s uniform

-Landmines

-Same rules as a public pool, no diving or peeing allowed on the field

-Enforcement of sharpening both cleats and fingernails

-Losing team votes one of their players to shave their head or to prison

-Teams can only pass the ball backwards during designated fan beer breaks

-It’s legal to injure someone during injury time

-A second soccer ball is added to the field if the first half is scoreless



*I call this picture soccer streaming live from my microwave

I'll Make it Easier For You

In this modern world, I know that time is valuable. With things like work, play, donating blood and all you can eat buffets, before you know it, the month has vanished. If perchance you came across my amazing blog that advances you into a superior PR2AZ (Post Road to Absolute Zero) era, that doesn’t mean there’s sufficient time to express the pleasure gained from it.

That is where this handy blog steps in. It conserves the energy it would have taken to properly express the high satisfaction received. Things that involve an extended effort usually get pushed to the back burner to be resolved in the future. Then a gap of time passes and before long, it becomes too late.

I should know, as I am often found guilty committing the same crime. Once I left a carton of milk on the counter but intended to reseal it and return it to the fridge. Unfortunately, I got distracted accomplishing the easier tasks of lying on the couch and sexting. When the next morning arrived I craved a bowl of cereal for breakfast but it was too late. The milk had spoiled and I was forced to starve.

After learning from my experiences, I have already done the dirty work so you don’t repeat my mistake. I have crafted a preformatted response expressing the gratitude of the imaginary audience that reads my blog. All you have to do is robotically return it to me.

Now that it’s so simple to provide me with suitable acknowledgement it would be silly to delay it for eternity. Instead, you can indefinitely postpone something that has now become more difficult, like changing a light bulb or brushing your teeth. Those chores are more complicated then grasping the mouse, copying the few paragraphs in italics below and pasting them in an email to me.


Dear Talented Pete Lopez,

I want to begin by thanking you for enhancing my life. The entries you have shared in Road to Absolute Zero have been brilliant. Not only have they brought me delight, they have opened my eyes to an advanced perspective on life that I never thought was possible. I consider your writings as teachings and you as my Mentor.

I was sucked in by your opening piece and have never turned back. It’s amazing how your pieces are insightful but yet most of the key components involve pants, plants and pancakes.

Alright, I could go on, so I will. Although there is high consistency in all of your offering, there is none in your publishing schedule. In fear of missing a post, part of my daily routine is checking your blog. Whenever I discover something new, I consider myself a winner that day.

Once again, it is impossible to thank you enough. It’s genius how you recognized my laziness and turned it into my strength. If it wasn’t for your inspiration it would have taken me an infinite amount of time to compose this. Not only are you a superior essayist then me, you also write better as me.

Warm Regards,
Loyal Fan & Mentee

Top Dozen Bad Subway Pickup Lines

-Even though I have a cell phone and a watch on, do you have the time?

-So glad I skipped brushing my teeth this morning or else I would’ve missed you riding this train

-If you can guess the Nickelback song playing on my ipod, I owe you a drink

-There’s nothing more romantic than a homeless man singing for money, may I have this dance?

-Lets play hooky from work, get off at the next stop and try to find pancakes

-Wouldn't you rather tell our future children that we meet me on the subway instead the internet or setup by our mothers?

-If you pull the emergency cord, I’ll give you 10 dollars

-Why doesn't that guy just ride his bike home?

-Since we are trapped in this corner, I just decided that I am going to try to talk to you. What’s the least painful thing I can ask?

-I accidentally passed my stop, let’s just go back to your place

-Help me with this internal dilemma, since this train is crowded, would you be flattered or offended if I inappropriately touched you?

-It’s a little chilly in here with the air conditioning on, would you like to borrow my pants?